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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 7 year old to move to another country with his dad

165 replies

Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 10:24

My ex husband has always been a bit adventurous...and a bit mental if you ask me. In August he plans to move to Spain, not permanently, just for a year. He told me and DC a few months ago. DS1 is very upset about the thought of not seeing his dad for a year and wants to go with him. There’s no way that’s happening but ex said a few weeks ago maybe he could. A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes. There’s plenty of schools in the area apparently. He’s a great dad, since we broke up last year he’s had them at weekends, comes to see them most days really. Of course he would be perfectly capable of looking after his son. But he’s only 7, I don’t like the thought of him being so far away from home, I don’t like the thought of being away from him for so long. Going to a school where they speak a different language, it would be harder for him to learn or make friends. I’ve told both of them there’s no way this is happening, I just want other people’s opinion on whether I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:
Motoko · 20/04/2018 13:25

A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes

You said yes? Why? If you don't want him to go, I don't understand why you said yes.

A 7 year old is too young to make this kind of decision, he won't understand the impact it will have on his relationships with you and his siblings.

Say no, but tell ex that he can have DS during the holidays, that way DS gets the best of both worlds.

sonjadog · 20/04/2018 13:26

I work with two men who are/were in this position. One went to work in America for a year and took his son with him. The other lived abroad and came back for work and brought his son back with him. In both cases, the mothers went from a complete refusal to eventually being okay with it, when the scenarios were worked through and compromises found. So if I were you, I'd maybe try to be open to discussion while promising nothing. You might still end up with a no, but give the idea a chance first before you write it off.

Original poster
Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 13:28

@Motoko
What I meant by that was IF I said yes, he was basically asking for my permission and as I said at the end of my post I’ve already said no

OP posts:
Motoko · 20/04/2018 13:30

Thanks for the clarification, I was confused by what you had written.

I'm glad you've said no.

Room101isWhereIUsedtoLive · 20/04/2018 13:37

Please OP google The Hague Convention and habitual residency. After a year of living and being schooled in a different country, that is a signatory to the Hague Convention, this would most likely be considered the place where your son resides. If your ex decided not to return to the UK and keep your now 7 year old in Spain with him and legally he would most probably be allowed to do so.

Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 13:38

Why are we so anti dad on here?

I'm not anti dad at all, my posts were expressing how difficult I found it to understand how any parent - mother or father - could leave the country your children live in for a year, the dad is planning to go with or without his son and is definitely leaving his younger son who is only 2 behind, as a parent I can't fathom being able to that

Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 13:39

*to do that

TatianaLarina · 20/04/2018 13:43

It's a parental responsibility for a parent to look after the emotional health and well-being of the children... If this father is such a "good dad" then should he not be considering the effects of a year long total separation of a child from their siblings and other family and friends?? Sounds to me as if he is being very self centered - he can take this opportunity, enjoy it and not miss the child.

What happens if the child is allowed to do this and returns in a year to irretrievably fractured sibling relationships? - they could well feel abandoned and jealous, not to mention the affect it would have on the mother child relationship - after all OP has been his main carer up until now?

So no. At seven, it is perfectly reasonable for the main carer to step in and protect the child from their own misguided 'decisions'.

This.

autumnleaf1 · 20/04/2018 13:48

Could you take a career break and you all go? It could be such an amazing experience for all children. Children are so good at picking up languages and they could gain so much from it.

If things are amicable between you, maybe he would agree to help you financially while out there and in return he can see his children whenever he wants and won't have to keep flying back to the UK to see them.

Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 13:52

Could you take a career break and you all go? It could be such an amazing experience for all children. Children are so good at picking up languages and they could gain so much from it.

Then she'd either have to leave her daughter behind for a year or take her away from her dad for a year.........

LiteraryDevil · 20/04/2018 13:54

*OP HAS TOLD HIM NO ALREADY.
*
Just in case anyone missed her update.

MaiaRindell · 20/04/2018 13:55

My dad moved abroad when I was 7. After missing him for years, I finally persuaded my mum to let me go for a year. However, the amount I missed mum was so enormous that I only last seven weeks.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:57

Someone else said "he doesn't seem too feckless" Why would he be feckless? Is this simply because he's a dad?

Sigh. No, nothing to do with his penis, everything to do with being ‘full of adventure’ and choosing to spend a year away from his children. Then saying he supposes he could always take him if the OP will let him...I bet very little thought went into him deciding that. That’s worrying.

We now find he has a two year old he’s happy to spend a year away from & to take his DS1 away from his big sister & baby brother. To me, that’s not being ‘a good Dad’.

But you keep banging your drum.

Willitbe · 20/04/2018 14:00

How about listening to what your son is asking, but with some backstop position? If you agree to your son going for 6 months, and having the amazing experience (it is very common for 8 year olds to do extended exchange programs in mainland Europe); but make sure that arrangements are made for him to come home, if once there, your son suffers too much home-sickness?

It is unusual for a child to want to uproot from friends, to experience a new language and new culture, so this is significant. I would listen to what your son is saying and ask a few more questions regarding why he wants this.

However if this is about not trusting your ex husband, then that is a different matter. Several posts on here have been a reaction regarding their own not trusting their ex, only you know if you can trust your ex with his and your son.

The other factor is you missing your son, this is hard for many mothers. As I said previously cultural exchanges are much more common in mainland Europe and are culturally acceptable, and mothers and fathers see the opportunity to give their child/ren the possibility of learning a new language and new culture as a positive experience. However in England this is not considered as positive, in general. So the thought of letting your child live elsewhere for a while is seen as odd. Unless you see it as positive, then feelings of missing your child could be overwhelming. It would be hard for you, so you need to acknowledge this.

As I say this is a cultural thing within England, so it is understandable why most posts on this thread are "no", but that does not mean that "yes" is a bad or wrong answer.

YoloSwaggins · 20/04/2018 14:06

I moved country to the UK age 6, and it was great. I learnt fluent English under 6 months with practically no effort.

I'd let him go.

Tookawrongturnsomewhere · 20/04/2018 14:12

What are his plans re employment, child care etc? It does not sound well thought out.. Maybe if he had been there a year already and all settled would be different. DS now unsettled re potential change which is more than the reason of wanting to go abroad and have a great experience. I live abroad, have kids here, and am single mum but don't want upheaval for kids of going back.. It's a really difficult situation but why just a year anyway.. It just all sounds too good to be true. In meantime everyone is on edge.

DiegoMadonna · 20/04/2018 14:19

Is he talking about English language schools or local ones?

Yes, it's relatively easy for children to pick up a new language when they move abroad and are surrounded by it all day, but there's always a transition period meaning they're going to have no idea what's going on for a while (6 months to a year). That's ok if you're moving abroad long term, but kind of makes no sense if as soon as he starts to understand, he's going to come back. He's basically going to miss a year of schooling.

Oswin · 20/04/2018 14:22

So whats his plans for contact with the two year old?

BrendasUmbrella · 20/04/2018 14:28

There's a big difference between being a weekend Dad and being the sole parent without the other parent a short distance away. Who would care for your son if his father was ill/working?

Far better to suggest he can go over for holidays and his DF can come and visit. Personally I think he's very selfish to think about living abroad for a year even if he took the 7 year old. What is he trying to do that he can't do in the UK? If he wants to hang out by the sea for a year Cornwall is a lot closer. And his two year old is old enough to miss his father (and brother) has he considered that?

abigailsnan · 20/04/2018 14:44

TipTopHat I totally agree with you the Spanish Education puts UK to shame and healthcare so good.
As regard taking OPs son for the year visits with very cheap flights can be booked for the following year so you always have something for you both to look forward to.
You will find this 7yr old fluent in a foreign language in a matter of months as my DGCs where when they came to me for all holidays during the time we lived abroad.At 7 he will be just going into full time school so will be starting with others for the first time so plenty of opportunity to make new friends.
I think you have a really good hands on father here not someone who will not return the child to you and his family.

BertieBotts · 20/04/2018 14:45

As a mum - totally understand heartstrings lurching at this prospect. A year is a long time, he is only 7, and what if he didn't want to come back??

As someone who has lived abroad, mum hat off - if you trust your ex and you believe it would only be for a year, what a fantastic, incredible opportunity! Flights are cheap - he could realistically come home for school holidays. At 7 he's old enough to skype regularly. As Willitbe says - it's rare for a child to be enthusiastic about this and that's a fantastic thing which really is worth embracing.

Yes, your ex could go for the year and your son could visit but why not turn it around and ask the other question - why not let your son go for the year and visit home periodically? A year is not THAT long in the scheme of things, although it would be difficult for you.

It is not as though he is at an exam-critical point in his education - I think it would be a fantastic experience for him to go to school in Spain and learn Spanish. He's the right age to keep in touch with them when he comes back as well so he would potentially keep that language exposure up and I really think it's hugely valuable in these times with Brexit and a more multinational/global world. To have the combination of the native English speaker level plus the Spanish immersion would be a rare and valuable combination for his future, and I really think this is worth looking at from a nonemotional perspective and really evaluating rather than going with that first knee jerk reaction of no way.

Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 14:48

I'm shocked so many people are saying she should have let him go. Just out of curiosity how many of those who said that actually have kids? Not trying to be nasty or anything by asking that, I'm genuinely curious, I remember when mine were that young and I'd miss them so badly if they were gone for a few days even

Minnie13 · 20/04/2018 14:52

'Adventurous and a bit mental' are qualities that scream 'unreliable' to me! Yes to Spanish holidays, visits from Dad (Spain is not far away), regular Skype sessions, update letters, emails... but no more than that. Kids need stability above all else and you don't know what will be happening in your ex's life in the next year. It would be a definite NO from me.

BertieBotts · 20/04/2018 14:52

YY this definitely needs to be thought through seriously and XP needs a plan for sick days, other solo parenting concerns etc - but those are not total barriers, IMO, just things which need to be discussed.

I think it's totally clear why he isn't offering to take the 2yo - because he knows it would be much harder on a 2yo who doesn't have the understanding of a 7yo. This may be a reason to rediscuss in a few years' time, however, he may be wanting to do it now because of the relative simplicity of moving between EU countries currently, which may not be the case in 5 years' time.

NoSquirrels · 20/04/2018 14:52

What is DS’s Dad planning to do on Spain - is he working, or taking a year out? My worries would be more around community and childcare - packing up and going off as a single parent is different to as a single bloke, his time out there would have to be centred on your DS, not just expecting him to fit in with his dad’s plans...