To not want my 7 year old to move to another country with his dad

[Digestivescusturds]

My ex husband has always been a bit adventurous...and a bit mental if you ask me. In August he plans to move to Spain, not permanently, just for a year. He told me and DC a few months ago. DS1 is very upset about the thought of not seeing his dad for a year and wants to go with him. There’s no way that’s happening but ex said a few weeks ago maybe he could. A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes. There’s plenty of schools in the area apparently. He’s a great dad, since we broke up last year he’s had them at weekends, comes to see them most days really. Of course he would be perfectly capable of looking after his son. But he’s only 7, I don’t like the thought of him being so far away from home, I don’t like the thought of being away from him for so long. Going to a school where they speak a different language, it would be harder for him to learn or make friends. I’ve told both of them there’s no way this is happening, I just want other people’s opinion on whether I’m doing the right thing

[Birdsgottafly]

Just be aware that you are giving up residency and may not be able to reclaim it, easily. Do you get CB, TC etc , all that will stop.

I've got friends who live and are self employed in Ibiza. Having a work/school life there, isn't as exciting as it sounds. It took the children quite a while to settle in and get used to the heat. They come here for their education, now they are in High School and stay with Family, as well as Mum and Dad coming over, at different times.

Legally you've accepted that your Son lives in a different country than you, that's a massive thing to do. Your ex may decide to not come back. He may go somewhere else.

It would be an unusual seven year old that can make this decision and understand what life will be like without you.

[FizzyGreenWater]

No.

[rookiemere]

You're absolutely right in your decision OP.

If he's just going for a year, where's the sense in uprooting your DS from his current school and friends, to have to do it again when he decides to come back?

Most places in Spain are easily reachable with cheap airfares these days. Holidays and long weekends for Bank Holidays mean that he will get plenty of time with his DF.

I'm amazed you're even giving this serious consideration.

[WhyteKnyght]

Compromise on sending him for literally all the holidays (if he wants to go), assuming his dad can manage that with work and childcare? Christmas, Easter, summer, half terms, some long weekends whenever there's a bank holiday or inset day? It would be good if you could maybe take or send him (or them, if there are other children involved?) out asap after his dad has moved, to reassure him that his dad is still there and make him feel a part of the whole moving-to-Spain adventure. He might find it easier once he knows where his dad is living and has seen it, then he can have regular Skype contact in between holiday visits.

[Incredulousme]

Firstly let me just say that I am not trying to be controversial with my post or cause the whole equality debate to erupt but......

We hear constantly the complaints of women who say that we should be treated equally to men (I agree BTW) how men should just generally parent their children more, take more responsibility when the mothers are working full time etc and I agree with all of that.

So on that basis I just want to ask how this would be answered if it was the OP with the opportunity to go to Spain with her DS for a year? I think the posters would then be saying "Go OP, it's a great opportunity for you and your DS and your ex can still see him in the holidays etc" I don't believe many posters would suggest he stayed behind with his dad either.

FWIW I cannot imagine being parted from my child for a year but I just do not think it should be a flat out "no way" as some have suggested. The OP has said he's a great dad who sees his DS most days. It would be a great experience for the DS and Spain is so close. If it did not work out he could return home.

This guy sounds like a great dad and to want to take his DS with him is commendable as we hear so much bad stuff about exes just not caring at all. Some can't cope with a DC overnight let alone a year.

I do believe if we want dads to step up and we really do want equality in all areas then we have to be willing to compromise.

Am I wrong?

[kateandme]

sit down and discuss with his dad.lay out all the issues.school friends.his dad will be new there too so will need to be focused on getting his work/life off the ground so might not have the time or support available for dc either.
for a year and then to come back.i have horrible visions of all his old school mates in the uk not welcoming him home.my friend left for sctoladn for a year and her return was never the same.everyone had moved on.friendship groups she could never return to and curriculum and lifestyle so different.he will be coming back a the age boys are already beginning to be confused with ways of life too.
have you offered up the holiday staying instead.is your dc just seeing wahoo big long holiday in spain.have you told him the specifics.eating.tv.school.language.lifestyle difference.
if hes brave equally I wouldn't want to put the fear of god into him to make hm not go for it.but for the look of your post on reading it feels a bit rushed and in thought out.
my advice is crap.but I do think as parents you need to sit and go through this together throroughly every ins and outs.
because also whilst you ex has him often this is verrrrrrrry different to all the time 24/7. add in a different country.a new life.

[peacheachpearplum]

I think it is a really tough one. I do think a child has a right to a say in this sort of thing, don't mean they get the final say but they should be listened to. I can see it would be a great opportunity for your son to learn a language and experience life in another country but on the other hand I would be worried he wouldn't come back. I'm glad I don't have to make the choice.

[fruitbrewhaha]

Incredulousme
I agree.

I'm not sure you can put your foot down and stop them. DO you have shared custody. Is it court arrangement or informally between you?

I know it will be hard on you but if that's what your DS wants to do, let him. He is your EXH's son too.

[PineappleYum]

Please don't worry about our NHS or school, they are excellent puts the UK to shame If your ex will be paying NI contributions they will be covered. The rules have changed a little and our ndn don't work and pay into the system, but they have insurance which is very cheap that covers them

[RideOn]

No, don't let him go.

I think moving abroad is fine for children, I think school in a different language would be fine too, and he would likely learn spanish very quickly (I did aged 8 years, 6 months and I was able to understand everything in school and playground), I wouldnt worry about settling or friendships, there are lots of things that can help this.

However, how do you know they wont stay? Will you move to Spain? Maybe this will just be the start of your ex's spanish adventure! I absolutely could never live in another country than my 7 year old for a year. When they are 18 they can chose the life they want, and if that is abroad, ok, but not aged 7!

He could go for the summer and any school holidays, Dad could travel back to visit too. They can skype and call. They can talk about their plans when Dad is home, after the year is over.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Incredulousme
If this were a man posting and a woman wanting to take her child for a year, I think the responses would be similar. It isn’t about men stepping up to the plate. This is about residency of a young child, where a parent may decide not to return the child.

For me, it’s a no way.

[TipTopTat]

Spanish schools put UK schools to shame, as does their healthcare. I'd rather give my child the experience of a lifetime and bonding opportunity with his Dad than worry about 'uprooting him from UK education'.

Mumsnet posters don't half make me laugh sometimes.

Let him go OP. He wont be 'leaving home'he will be going to his temporary new one with his own father, which he will love and adapt very well to.

[Incredulousme]

My friend went to live in Spain with her DC's aged 11 and 14 and they settled in so quickly, especially the younger child. She was fluent within months and had made so many friends. At 7 I think children just interact whatever the language as they don't have the insecurities and inhibitions of us adults.

[Nanny0gg]

If this were a man posting and a woman wanting to take her child for a year, I think the responses would be similar. It isn’t about men stepping up to the plate. This is about residency of a young child, where a parent may decide not to return the child.

^^This

And he's choosing to move away from his children with no guarantee of seeing them in that year unless he can afford to pay for everyone to go.

It is also a decision no 7 year-old is equipped to make.

[Babyplaymat]

I think if the dad had primary custody and the child.lived with them and their siblings and the mother wanted to take them away for a year, the answers would be same.

[Nanny0gg]

This guy sounds like a great dad

Why does he? He's not moving a couple of hours up the road. He presumably sees a lot of his children now. That won't be happening. '

How is that 'great'?

[stitchglitched]

No way. I hope those encouraging OP to let him go will be there to comfort her in a year if he decides not to return and Spain is deemed her son's habitual place of residence.

[WhyteKnyght]

Actually I think it is totally fine to "put your foot down" when it comes to having your own child removed from the country, unless there are specific reasons to be happy about it. OP's DS is, understandably, devastated at the thought of losing his father. That doesn't mean it's a great idea for him to move away from his mother instead, especially as he currently lives with her most of the time.

Should add though that I do agree with a PP that there have been several times in the past when a woman has come on and posted enthusiastically about her great plans for an exciting life in a new country, the only fly in her ointment being her DC's impending distress at being removed from their father whom they see regularly, and the number of cheerleading "you go for it OP: what a great opportunity for you and DC!" responses, totally ignoring the rights of the DC and the father to regular contact with one another, is often absolutely shocking.

[VimFuego101]

A 7yo is not equipped to make this kind of decision. As others have said, once your son is 'established' as a resident in Spain and attends school there you may struggle to get him back if your ex decides not to return him. It's hardly a long haul flight, I'm not clear on why your ex claims he won't see him for a year - it sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing your son into coming with him.

[Incredulousme]

Mummyof........but I don't think it would and that's my point. I think we want things to be equal when it suits us, same pay as men, men doing the childcare, shopping etc but then when it doesn't suit us we want things our way.

No one has said this but there is the unspoken line here of "a child's place is with his mother"

Yet this is not the same when we are talking about who should be responsible for child care when both parents are working full time.

Again not being controversial, but ladies, we can't change the rules to suit ourselves. We will only ever be treated equally by men when we too play fairly in all areas.

[Trinity66]

Incredulousme

It's the dad wanting to actually move countries though not the mother. I have a DD from a previous relationship and I would never have considered moving countries because I wouldn't take her away from her dad like that. It works both ways as far as I'm concerned. So if this thread had been about the mother moving away I for one would be saying it would be unfair to the dad

[peacheachpearplum]

No way. I hope those encouraging OP to let him go will be there to comfort her in a year if he decides not to return and Spain is deemed her son's habitual place of residence. That is the problem, I don't think going to Spain for a year is a bad thing and could be a good thing but how can you be sure he would come back?

[UndomesticHousewife]

Your son was s upset at the thought of not seeing his dad and thinks he wants to go and live in Spain. Do not take him at his word and send him to live in Spain he’s 7 he has no idea what this will involve in reality.
You’re the adult you need to make decisions for him based on what you think is for the best.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Incredulous
In this instance, the child’s place is in their country of origin, where it is most simple for both parents to see them. It isn’t about father/mother or a child intrinsically being better placed their mother.

Op, I assume is British or has a connection spanning some years with this country. I assume the same for her ex. Op does not have a connection with Spain. Her ex wants to go there on what right now appears to be a temporary basis but life may change.

If ops ds goes with his father and the father decides to remain there and refuses to return his son, the child will be stuck in a country, which is not his country of origin and where neither he or his mother have roots.

The same would apply the other way around. Many parents choose not to go abroad so they can be close to their children.

[Pibplob]

No I wouldn’t allow it. To disruptive to school. He’s be over there for a year and then back again in an English school (assuming you could find one with spaces!) for the following year. Nightmare. I would go with letting him spend as much time out there in the holidays as they want but wouldn’t be going to the hassle of changing schools and all the stable things in his life.