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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WHY you chose to have a child?

166 replies

Octave777 · 19/04/2018 21:23

Not really aibu but I feel unreasonable that I should have to ask.

What was it that made you want to have kids?

Sorry short post but just wanted unfiltered opinions.

Thanks!

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 21/04/2018 09:07

I accidentally got pregnant and felt it was time (age 29) and actually we would like kids, as previously to this we were adamant we didn't want them. Never felt broody or cooed over babies. But I love being a mum, loved being pregnant. It feels weird to think I never would have known these feelings unless it happened accidentally. I felt like if I didn't like other kids then that meant I shouldn't be a mum, but I adore my own!

CookPassBabtridge · 21/04/2018 09:14

And yes it's a weird rollercoaster. It is hard, it is tiring, but it's awesome.

Branleuse · 21/04/2018 09:34

i got really broody and couldnt fight it for the first two. Third one was accidental

PaintedHorizons · 21/04/2018 09:37

Didn't want not to.

It felt like a biological need - like knowing you need to stretch your legs and get some fresh air or get a drink of water on a hot day.

Intellectually I didn't want one as I was not secure in my relationship and my career was exciting and involved long hours and lots of travel. DC 1 was an accident but I was delighted.

Cockmagic · 21/04/2018 09:38

I was young (18) and felt pressure from my bf at the time to start a family ( we met when I was 15, he 24).

From the moment we met he was pestering me for a child. I finally gave in.

Then he left me for a teenager when she was 2...

BuntyII · 21/04/2018 09:46

@LadyFlumpalot yy to that...my DS's love is like a salve to all my wounds. The minute he was born I immediately cared a thousand times less about anything that wasn't him.

GreasyFryUp · 21/04/2018 09:53

I thought it was a good idea at the time Hmm.

Thought it was what you did, and my biological clock was ticking so it was then or probably never.

In hindsight however......

The80sweregreat · 21/04/2018 09:55

stop, you summed it up so well.
after being married for 2 years we just thought ' lets do what everyone else is doing ' i think and i was so naive too that i thought it would be a lot easier than it was! still, they are great and i love them so much, but i was so blinkered and didnt really see the bigger picture. I dont regret it, just wished I had thought about it a bit more. i hope i've done a good job, but its still touch and go at times!

Tika77 · 21/04/2018 10:02

I also met the right man, felt broody etc. Sometimes I wonder why I’d done it though. should have just stuck to breeding cats...

The80sweregreat · 21/04/2018 10:08

I have known a few childless couple in the past and they have had wonderful lives and less stress, but the comments others made about the women was astonishing ' she is missing out, she will regret it' etc etc.
One friend couldnt have children ( long story with her) and she always feels there is a hole in her life despite having all the nicer things. you just never know about people until you find out. Women tend to judge a 'childless woman' a lot more than men do i think.

leighdinglady · 21/04/2018 10:12

I have such a wonderful relationship with my mum, and my sister does with her children, so I wanted that for myself. I wanted something to love and to love me back. To watch grow and learn. To have a piece of my soul I can cuddle and guide

Gwenhwyfar · 21/04/2018 10:24

"Surely any reasons people come up with are just ways of rationalising or emotionalising the biological drive to procreate? We are animals - pretty much everything we do is driven by the need to survive and pass on our genes!"

If it was that simple every fertile woman would have about 20 children and there'd be no fertile women without children. We're obviously not just like animals.

SerenDippitty · 21/04/2018 10:48

Agreed @Gwenhwyfar. I. Don’t think biology fully explains the strong conscious desire that many humans have for children.

MasonJar · 21/04/2018 10:56

Having a child is basically a selfish thing to do.
Nothing wrong with that, all animals are programmed to propagate themselves.
But it's strange that people who chose not to have children are often called selfish.

The80sweregreat · 21/04/2018 11:04

Mason, i totally agree - why selfish not to increase the population and i speak as someone with two children. seems an odd thing to say but people have some strange views at times. I dont think they really think about what they are saying.

DueNov · 21/04/2018 11:05

I didn't choose I was on the pill.

I chose not to abort because we worked out our finances and were able to afford her without having to sell the house! I was scared but my heart ached at the thought of abortion. I cried a lot.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 21/04/2018 11:14

I'd always wanted children. I was an only child ( my mum had 5 pregnancies, but I was the only surviving child). I desperately wanted brothers and sisters, to be part of a big family. I wanted 4 originally but stopped at 3.

Given my mum's issues, and knowing how much she wanted those children, I never ever took it for granted that I would be able to have children, so I feel absolutely blessed.

I know people who don't want children and I accept that, but I do find it hard to understand ( in the same way as I find people who don't like dogs or who are teetotal hard to understand, not in any way judgemental)

JaceLancs · 21/04/2018 11:35

Ex DH wanted children and talked me into it
He then left me for OW when they were 4 and 5
They are now 25 and 26 and have a limited distant relationship with him
I struggled to bond and had minor PND
Then my love grew as they grew
I’m so glad I had them - I found strength I never knew I had as a lone parent
They are wonderful adults and tell me they think the world of me
We’ve been having a bad few months due to terminal illness of a family member who died a couple of weeks ago and this has just reinforced to me how much of a team we are and how we all support each other

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/04/2018 14:13

We Wanted to
We were Solvent
At good point in career
Had just bought place that fitted in with having babies eg rooms for nursery ,Good location

Apollo440 · 21/04/2018 14:59

To make tea. Youngest has been making tea since 10 and 2 years later he makes an excellent cuppa.

Not found a use for the other one though.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 21/04/2018 15:52

ifIcouldwritealettertome "Because my parents were really horrible to me so I wanted to make a little me to be nice to"

I'm impressed by your honesty. I think there's more of this around than we know.

VQ1970 · 21/04/2018 19:39

Another different perspective from me as a child free woman.

As a child I loved playing with my ‘babies’ in their pram and would wheel them around the garden, knocking on the door and telling my mum to invite me in to meet my babies. But by the time I’d reached my teens, I knew that I never wanted children and at the age of 48, that has never changed.

I don’t understand what all of these other women are talking about regarding the urge, the clock ticking, the need etc I have never felt that and that has never been part of my make up, it’s just not in me.

I’m happy with the life I’ve had so far. I didn’t really know what I wanted from life when I was younger but I’ve been a civil servant for nearly 30 years, own house no mortgage, lots of great holidays etc and that works for me. I know I’m selfish in lots of ways.

My husband is much older then me and had grown up children and didn’t want any more so that worked perfectly with me. I often wonder what would have happened if I’d got with someone who did want children because I’m not in the least bit maternal.

Do I need to worry now about who is going to look after me when I’m old?? Smile

DailyMailFail101 · 21/04/2018 20:56

It was always my dream job to be a Mum I never wanted to be a nurse or doctor or any other professional growing up I just wanted to be a Mummy.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/04/2018 20:57

Being Mum isn’t a job

Battleax · 21/04/2018 21:22

Hey there Scottish Grin