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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

572 replies

MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:11

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

OP posts:
KT63 · 19/04/2018 18:13

@Bekabeech I’ve been saying that since page 1. I’m wrong apparently, it’s all the fault of the boy, the mum was ok to assault him and the school are trying their best.

Oh and my personal favourite, “autism or not” like you can flick a switch and you’re not autistic any more.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 19/04/2018 18:14

I’d be fuming if another parent so much as touched my son let alone grabbed him. Wether or not your son has probl3ms with the daughter which sound like they are being sorted with the school. If the Mum still has a problem she should talk with you not accost an 11 year old especially autistic. My DS is autistic and if someone stands to close to him he gets all nervous. Especially strangers. She probably has no idea what her daughter is like at school coz I bet she goes ho,e and acts like an angel.
My son is having trouble with an ex friend whose Mum things he is the best thing since slic3d bread and he never does anything wrong. That drives me mad, no one is perf3ct and your a fool if you believe otherwise.

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 18:15

Boneybackjefferson clearly what ever the school are doing isn’t working! That’s obvious isn’t it?

So they either do what needs to be done (eg 1:1 support) or call a review of the plan and get more resources put into place. They don’t legally have any other option.

MildredHubble88 · 19/04/2018 18:16

Autism isn't an excuse but it is a reason and like pp's have said it needs to be managed effectively by the school so both parties are safe and happy.

findingmyfeet12 · 19/04/2018 18:17

Of course she shouldn't have grabbed him, is there any doubt about that?

If you aren't going to get the police involved I don't see the point of this thread.

The incident shows that the school is not doing enough. You either have to make a bigger fuss and do more yourself to force them to act or accept that this will likely happen again.

I don't think anyone has said the woman was right to grab your son (unless I've missed some posts).

KT63 · 19/04/2018 18:17

Many have said her response is understandable, while deliberately and continually determining that OPs son should be in full control of himself at all times while apparently this grown woman is allowed to snap.

immortalmarble · 19/04/2018 18:18

Good point well made kt

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2018 18:18

Bigpharmafemme

So they either do what needs to be done (eg 1:1 support) or call a review of the plan and get more resources put into place. They don’t legally have any other option.

This ^ I agree with. especially the 1-2-1 support.

biscuitmillionaire · 19/04/2018 18:18

I reported one post on here already, but then seeing the number of hideously ignorant posts that followed, I think with a bit of luck MNHQ will zap this thread to get rid of the fuckwits.

OP: If you have evidence that this woman assaulted your DS (ripped collar) then I would consider going to the police. It is absolutely 100% unacceptable for an adult to attack an 11-yr-old.

And the school need to be doing more to help your DS avoid trigger situations, not try to deal with them after the event. I wouldn't like it if my child was being shoved in class either. He is obviously not coping with a mainstream class in secondary. Best of luck.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 18:19

The school are at fault for him hurting the girl. They know he is violent and yet fail to have his SEN assistant with him all the time.

The adult woman is at fault for grabbing the 11 year old boy.

findingmyfeet12 · 19/04/2018 18:19

The ops son snaps on a regular basis because of noise. She snapped once because of violence.

It's difficult for people to understand autism. This thread has proved that.

immortalmarble · 19/04/2018 18:20

Don’t zap the thread.

I am FED UP of horrible comments about autism vanishing a la Mary Celeste and meanwhile their authors wander around quite happily safe in the knowledge that the thread where they said they’d beat up a disabled child stand Hmm

KT63 · 19/04/2018 18:20

It's difficult for people to understand autism

Not if they try.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 18:20

Sometimes it is the case that a pupil with autism needs a place at a specialist school rather than a mainstream one, particularly if noise is a trigger, because secondary schools are big and there is a lot of noise. This might be a future step for OP's DS.

But nothing alters the fact that the other pupil's mother was 100% in the wrong to attack OP's DS in the street. She would have been in the wrong if she had approached him in the street to tell him off without actually grabbing him, too. It is not the business of a parent to deal directly with someone else's DC over an issue in the school, in any circumstances. Ever.

Mrsfrumble · 19/04/2018 18:21

Many have said her response is understandable, while deliberately and continually determining that OPs son should be in full control of himself at all times while apparently this grown woman is allowed to snap.

^^ this. There's even been a delightful post claiming they would do the same as the mother.

Springnowplease · 19/04/2018 18:21

She probably has no idea what her daughter is like at school coz I bet she goes ho,e and acts like an angel.

What she's like in school is neither here nor there. She shouldn't be being attacked by another pupil, whatever the reason.

The school is not managing the situation at all and I imagine the girl's mother is at the end of her tether. But she shouldn't have grabbed your child.

No child should be hit in school. Perhaps this isn't the right school for your son if they cannot manage his behaviour.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 18:22

It’s fucking laughable isn’t it? A NT adult can’t be held accountable for her actions because she was angry but an 11 year old with SN is held totally accountable his response to a sensory overload. Hmm logic fail.

findingmyfeet12 · 19/04/2018 18:23

saying he was beaten up is using deliberately inflammatory language. The op said he was grabbed.

A court would be more understanding than this thread. The woman was wrong. She was also badly let down by the school.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 18:23

Especially in recent weeks there have been massive efforts to bring autism awareness into the public eye. The #ActuallyAutistic movement on Twitter (where actually autistic people explain what its like for us) the range of programmes on channel 4, several hundred articles in the media attempting to explain what its actually like to be autistic, Facebook campaigns by the NAS and many more.

But it’s autistic people and our behaviour that’s apparently the problem. I’ll tell you what, the day I need approval from anyone who thinks an adult assaulting a child with a disability is acceptable is day I really am a fucking weirdo. Until then, I’m just autistic.

Branleuse · 19/04/2018 18:23

does he have an EHCP? I think it sounds like you need to remove him and fight for a SEN school because that is not fair on him, not fair on the teachers and its not fair on the other pupils if he is being regularly aggressive and violent, or work with the SENCO about a managed move to a more suitable provision or getting him an EHCP if he doesnt already have one.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 18:24

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo absolutely bang on point!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 18:24

It's difficult for people to understand autism.

Those people don’t want to understand autism. They want it sent away to special schools where their darlings don’t have to be bothered by it.

Chesham · 19/04/2018 18:25

I would report it to the police. Your son has been assaulted by an adult in a public place - especially if his blazer is damaged it suggests some use of force.

She needs to take her issues up with the school - head teacher or teacher if she has issues with her daughter being injured at school.

Your son will be traumatised by this and no doubt it will escalate his anxiety about getting to and from school.

School needs to manage the issues better so that school is safe for all.

Valanice1989 · 19/04/2018 18:26

She probably has no idea what her daughter is like at school coz I bet she goes ho,e and acts like an angel.

FFS, it's not the girl's fault that she keeps being attacked!

And why are people assuming that the girl's mother is NT? How would you know?

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 18:27

Branleuse he’s got an EHCP but I’d love to see what’s in F.