AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

[MissOlivier]

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

An adult should never grab a child in this way, I haven't seen anyone saying she did the right thing.

The people who say it's understandable are saying so in terms of mitigating circumstances, this doesn't make what she did right and they haven't said it does.

OP there may be witnesses or CCTV to confirm what happened. Definitely worth speaking to the police.

And why are people assuming that the girl's mother is NT?

Does it matter? We aren’t allowed to make allowances for SN anyway. Are we?

And why are people assuming that the girl's mother is NT? How would you know?

As an adult I’ve managed to acquire the handy skill of not forcefully grabbing people who piss me off. Probably because I got the right support and help as a child. Presumably (if she’s not NT) she should have the same impulse control that adults tend to have rather than children.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I am shocked by the number of posters saying that the mother’s frustration is understandable and that somehow mitigates her assaulting an 11 year old. Grabbing (and yelling) at any person without lawful authority or consent is assault. I’m baffled that the mother’s frustration at the shoving of her child in class is understandable to some posters yet the autistic child’s frustration whatever it’s trigger may be, is apparently not. I’m also shocked at the lack of understanding of disability discrimination : the needs of the many do not trump the need of the one or the few. Do we say there are more people needing standing room on a bus than needing a wheelchair so we just will scrap the wheelchair space. No we don’t. The school must make appropriate adjustments to keep them all safe. If that’s not working then approach the school. How could grabbing and yelling at him possibly teach / reinforce to him that he mustn’t shove other people?

Can we all stop baying for blood?

Of course the mother was wrong but if everyone is to be tolerant of autism let's show some tolerance for a woman who may have a child crying herself to sleep, terrified of school etc.

There are no winners here, it's a horrid, sad situation.

But OP, please don't make this woman and her child's life any more difficult by reporting her to the police. Have some compassion but speak to the school.

@Alittlesandwich I did!!! And got fuck all but misinformation, ignorance and flat out hostility in return.

Those people don’t want to understand autism. They want it sent away to special schools where their darlings don’t have to be bothered by it.

No, they want their children to be safe and not be attacked. That's perfectly reasonable. How would you feel sending your DD to school every day knowing she's likely to get hit?

And she assaulted a child, she should be reported to the police.

The 11 year old next to me is taller than me, 5 ft 7 or 8 and bulky. One of his friends is a tiny little thing, barely 5 ft tall. I would be livid if I saw him push her around and I’m not related to either of them. I sympathise with the autism / ASD diagnosis, but if your son’s condition results in him causing harm to the other kids I would take him out until a care worker can be arranged.

The history behind this incident absolutely mitigates the woman's actions!

Why would you think it doesn't? She lashed out following a pattern of repeated assaults against her daughter.

If the op took this to the police, the authorities would find the woman in the wrong but they'd consider the mitigation.

OP does the school allow him to leave the classroom if the noise is too much?

@Springnowplease my child was attacked daily at school. By another autistic child. Once he ended up in A&E. Do you know what I didn’t do? Attack that child. Blame that child, or insinuate that he was deliberately targeting my son. What I did do was ask the school what strategies were being put in place to protect my son, how they planned to ensure these strategies best met the needs of the children under their care and how they were going to implement them.

See how easy that was not to grab a child?

We live in a society where children take their own lives because they're being bullied yet this woman's daughter being bullied shouldn't mitigate (to some extent) her reaction?

What a heartless bunch.

KT63
And she assaulted a child, she should be reported to the police.

Yes she should.

And the autistic children being cast aside and written off by a society that is actively choosing not to help or consider their needs? Are they less important? Of course they are. This thread is yet more proof of that.

kt63 That sounds horrific for your child.

My son came home from school during a trial go in the mainstream asking “why aren’t I normal? Why am I weird? Why am I a freak?” And other words I won’t write down but I’m sure you all know them in fact I’m fairly sure some of you have used them. But that’s ok right? Because it’s only NT children who are worth anything?

I’m not defending what ops son has done And for sure the school should be managing it way better but how do we know that the girl hasn’t been doing more at school for him to attack her. There’s always 2 sides to every story. All I’m saying is some mums have no idea what thier darling children do at school. I had two Austistic kids at school with me and one of them punched another kid, it came to light that said kid had been tormenting him for months. My DS is autistic and luckily is very manageable, he does get angry and has had fights at school which I found out were started by the other boy pushing him first he just had the harder push. It must be a terrible feeling to not be able to fully control your emotions and then have people around you not understanding. Luckily my son aphas a great SEN who he is incredibly close with and the school have managed his asd with great dignity. Sounds like that is lacking in OPs sons school.

@crunchymint it was, it was brutal. It was pretty awful for the boy lashing out too, he was experiencing sensory overload regularly and DS1 seemed to be the one closest to him at the time.
With careful strategies and management they sit together in class now, and are really good friends.

It's the job of the school to support your child op, which again is what most people here have said.

You are within your rights to call the police but they'll take the circumstances into consideration and you might not get the outcome that you want.

If she went to prison for life it wouldn't help your son. It might be better to use your energies to challenge the school.

KT63, you seem to have missed the part of my earlier post where I said the woman should not have hit the child. That post was in response to the snide nastiness of Zibbidoo's post. All children matter.

"precious darlings" vile thing to say.

how do we know that the girl hasn’t been doing more at school for him to attack her.

This does not help anyone and it reinforces the idea that a victim is responsible for violence visited on them.

The school is not managing the situation adequately which is harmful for the OP's son and for the girl that is being assaulted.

Saying "she must have done something to be attacked" is just not bloody helpful.

My dd was bullied by one boy all through year 7 and 8. I could have cheerfully throttled him, but I didn't. But I can totally understand why girls mother reached the end if her tether. My dd was terrified to go to school because of this one boy.

She asked to change school. Why do the bullied have to change school for a "normal" schooling?

OP in your case it seems school aren't managing your sons behaviour. Would you consider moving him from his present school?

If not, why not? Do you think the girl he continually "shoves" and is obviously upset- enough that her mother is aware of what is going on with your son- should move school to get the education she deserves?

Whether the bully has special needs or not all children deserve to have a comfortable learning environment amongst their peers group.