AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

[MissOlivier]

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

Do you know how wide ranging autism is?

Yes why?

No. I was making it sound like the idiots who keep saying “he shouldn’t be in mainstream” want autism sent away

But some SN kids shouldn't be in mainstream, my DSS being one of them. Maybe OPs son would be better in a SN school (if it's an option) maybe with more help he'll be ok where he is.

The mum should not have

But she did . She fucked up and probably feels awful . And who know what she is also dealing with to tip her over the edge . Their family may have their own issues that you don’t know about too .

Chalk down as a really shitty experience and renew the efforts for the school to address

I feel feel for everyone here

BlueRoses28

Then I am surprised that you can make the statement that teachers understand autism.

But some SN kids shouldn't be in mainstream

Yes, that’s right. No argument here. Does that mean all children with SN shouldn’t be in mainstream?

This is such a sad situation all round. OP I hope you contact the police about the mother who grabbed your son. It sounds like you're trying your best in a difficult situation but you have to stand up for your son and he has been a victim of a crime, no matter the mitigating circumstances.
I'm a teacher (primary so it's a little different as we usually have a TA) and this looks like a situation without a solution. The girl has an absolute right to safety just like your son has an absolute right to participate. The teacher is obliged to ensure that every child is getting the best possible education and making as much progress as possible. That means adapting the teaching to ensure that the classroom in in total silence to prevent your son being triggered is not an option. Your son is entitled to adaptations which ensure he can participate fully (i.e. silence, perhaps a smaller class), but the rest of the class are also entitled to have the best possible teaching (which is not done in silence). The teacher might be legally, contractually and morally obliged to meet all of the children's needs but it doesn't mean they can magically create a classroom which is simultaneously both silent and not silent. Would it help him to use headphones in the classroom? He could then block out everything while the teacher addresses the class and then the teacher (or TA who it sounds like he needs full time) could explain it to him separately. It's not a perfect solution but it might be a workable compromise.

Given how wide ranging autism is; it's possible the girl who is loud enough to be the trigger for his meltdowns has some issues herself?
Maybe not, but it's just assumed by everyone that she can and should modulate her behaviour because op's ds can't cope with it.
Perhaps she can't? Just like him.

Then I am surprised that you can make the statement that teachers understand autism

I'm talking about the SN teachers in autistic units in schools ,I'm quite sure they understand autism.

BlueRoses28

I see, apologies

Yes, that’s right. No argument here. Does that mean all children with SN shouldn’t be in mainstream?

For Christs sake. I said SOME. SOME SN KIDS SHOULDN'T BE IN MAINSTREAM. SHOW ME WHERE I SAID ALL!

I think the fundamental problem here is the lack of funding of SEN provision in schools. Students aren't supported adequately and this can then lead to a raft of problems for all the students in the class.

I've had to deal with funding issues in school - the horrendous problems when statements became EHCP s (I know of a LA that said they had a backlog of several years!!!!) Our school had to fund the first £6000 and when every student only received £4000 anyway and we had a deficit budget it was virtually impossible, many students didn't receive enough funding to match their needs (so maybe funded for support only at certain times when in reality they needed 1:1 at all times). The truth is that LAs do all they can to pay out the least amount of money and then everyone - students with SEN, other pupils and staff - just have to deal with it.

I was working in the NHS at the time when psychiatric hospitals were closed in favour of "care in the community". At the time it was argued that long term patients became institutionalised, locked away from society and that they would live happier and more fulfilled lives in smaller community homes, whilst being supported. Sounds exactly right in theory. In practice it was under funded and many patients slipped through the net and ended up struggling on their own, homeless or in prison.

It seems to me that SEN provision has gone the same way. It is sold as being good for everyone - integration rather than segregation - which is how it should be. Except in practice it seems to be code for "do it on the cheap" and everyone suffers.

It must be terrible for the OPs son to be so distressed at school and it must also be terrible for the girl in question, being attacked every day at school. If the school is anything like the one I knew, the staff and SLT will be only too aware of how dreadful the situation is for everyone but there is simply no money in schools to change this.

A PP asked why the NT students needs have a higher priority - IME it isn't that simple. If you have 29 NT students and 1 ND student what choice do you have? As a school you have to educate the majority. It's terrible, it isn't right. But these decisions are being faced in all public services - do you meet the needs of the few or the majority, when faced with a shrinking pot of money?

The girl's mum should not have approached your son. Someone needs to get to the bottom of what is happening so I think you have to speak to the school and try and come up with a plan to make sure your son's needs are better met.

I said SOME. SOME SN KIDS SHOULDN'T BE IN MAINSTREAM. SHOW ME WHERE I SAID ALL!

You didn’t. Which is my point. Because it’s simply not true that all children with SN shouldn’t be in mainstream. No matter how many times the clueless fuckwits upthread shout it.

Lack of funding is a huge problem. So is lack of understanding. And sometimes the ideology of inclusion in mainstream at all costs is priblematic as it isn't right for every child (and quite often isn't inclusion at all but something akin to a childminding service).

It's not as simple as "the NT students" vs "OP's son" in terms of needs. Those 29 other pupils are all different and all have their own specific needs. Perhaps some of them also have diagnosed special needs but those are not the only needs which matter or which teachers have to take account of. It is possible that there are children who have had difficult past experiences in that class, either as refugees or through the care system. They are also priorities who must not be allowed to fall behind or make less than expected progress. There might be children who have transcription issues and produce their best work when they have practised saying the sentence out loud before they write it. There might be EAL children who need to orally rehearse using new vocab before they write it. All children learn best in different ways and they are all entitled to have teaching which suits them and allows them to fulfil their potential. In practise that means compromising or educating every child in one-to-one or small group settings.

You didn’t. Which is my point. Because it’s simply not true that all children with SN shouldn’t be in mainstream. No matter how many times the clueless fuckwits upthread shout it

I absolutely did say SOME. Please stop making things up. This is exactly what I said.

But some SN kids shouldn't be in mainstream, my DSS being one of them. Maybe OPs son would be better in a SN school (if it's an option) maybe with more help he'll be ok where he is

Sounds like the parents and the school need to have a conference to discuss the issues. There could be a huge misunderstanding and this whole situation is being handled poorly. Are the children aware of OP's son's SN's? The girl could be more sympathetic to OP's son but perhaps she has no idea what triggers him to attack her. The key here is communication. The girls mother was definitely in the wrong for grabbing OP's son. The school is in the wrong for not nipping this in the bud the first time it happened. With all that being said, if things don't change, I'd encourage the girl to defend herself next time she is attacked. The parents and the school are failing these kids.

Oh for crying out loud. You are just determined to either misread or misunderstand my posts.

When I said “you didn’t” I was responding to “SHOW ME WHERE I SAID ALL!”

Why are you responding to BlueRoses posts, if your issue is actually with other posters? Bound to cause confusion...

It doesn't matter what happened before, a grown adult should not be physically and/or verbally assaulting an 11 year old child, the fact the child is not their own is worse, but the fact that the child has autism makes the situation even more dire. Whether or not the woman new your child had autism, it's reprehensible.

Resolving the children's' situation is for the school, to be mediated between both sets of parents and/or guardians.

So many replies. Can’t believe some of them.

No, his blazer wasn’t previously damaged

In the corridor, etc. that’s when he wears his ear defenders.

Will go through the comments more now.

Why are you responding to BlueRoses posts, if your issue is actually with other posters? Bound to cause confusion.

Because the post bluerose quoted and took issue with is my post. It was posted waaay upthread in response to those other people. She has only recently quoted it and raised a question. So I responded. Because it was my post and I’m not sure anyone else could answer the question she asked about my post except me. Because I posted it.

Is everything clear now?

Fluffypineapple how insulting and demeaning. For a start, children with disabilities have siblings and we love them all equally!

And again and again it has been repeated that NO ONE should have to tolerate anything like what you’re suggesting! And your disgusting inference that such behaviour is only attributable to children with additional needs! You should be ashamed of yourself.

@Yesiamhappy Why could nothing be done within those 2 years to stop this happening?