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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

572 replies

MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:11

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

OP posts:
vickibee · 19/04/2018 20:02

My 11 yo is asd and tonight’s outburst was triggered because his jacket has gone missing in school today. Hi didn’t show his anger in front of the staff but took it out on his parents at home. It has taken 3 hours to calm down only because amazon have delivered his new pencil case and distracted him. A nt child would not react like this so I fully understand your pain . No one should lay their hands on a child ever. I was once verbally assaulted outside school by a parent after my child had been over boisterous with her son. It was terrifying.
Schools do not understand triggers or sensory needs in asd kids and cannot cope with the resulting behaviour. There is always a reason for their behaviour if the school bothers to explore

DrJo1 · 19/04/2018 20:04

It is assault and unacceptable behaviour. It is highly likely that she does not know your son has ASD but it still does not make it right.
The adjustment to secondary school for students with ASD and ADHD is huge. I would advise you to contact the school SENCO immediately and put your concerns in writing asking exactly what has been put in place to address this issue. Your son needs to have support and strategies to allow him to reduce his anxieties and control his behaviours. If the school is not able to do this you will need to make a decision as to whether it is the right place for him.

bumblingbovine49 · 19/04/2018 20:04

Can someone explain to me why the boy with autism must learn to control his reaction but the girl seems under no obligation to keep her voice down?

If it was as easy as both of them being able to stop behaving the way they do but choosing not to, it would be easier. I imagine the girl struggles to behave appropriately as does tho OPs son.The OPs son has more reason for hiis difficulties but he is also more extreme in his behaviour which is why most posters are putting most of the blame on him

There absolutely is a solution to this (there usually is) but it means the school needs to give a damn about both children who are obviously (in their different ways) struggling to behave appropriately in class

corythatwas · 19/04/2018 20:06

Isadora, it hardly seems to me that the world is revolving around him at the moment: he is stuck in a setting that is terrifying and painful for him due to sensory overload and no one is doing anything to help him before it becomes unbearable.

To give an idea, to be in a mainstream classroom without any protection from overload is probably the same as it would be for you if you were locked in a small room with somebody blowing a recorder straight into your ear as hard as they could, and expecting you to be able to learn at the same time. Torture.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 20:08

And what's so wrong with 'special' schools?

Who said there was anything wrong with them?

Idontdowindows · 19/04/2018 20:09

but the girl seems under no obligation to keep her voice down?

Because we don't know that the girl is misbehaving. OP has said she is too loud for her son to handle, but the girl may be behaving entirely appropriately for the setting.

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2018 20:09

Because bumbling there has no suggestion that the girl is doing anything wrong, or behaving inappropriately for the setting. The days when women had "to be in silence" to appease men are gone now.

halulat · 19/04/2018 20:12

There need to be a significant increase in funding for SEND provision, whether that be in mainstream or specialist setting ( both are needed ). Properly funded, inclusive education would benefit all children and society. Sadly, when SEND children are failed, it's because 'inclusion' is being attempted 'on the cheap'. Unfortunately, with cuts to public funding this is not a situation likely to improve.
Trying to support pupils with SEND without adequate funding fails the most vulnerable and their peers too . It's also leaves teachers and parents frustrated, angry and upset.

Valanice1989 · 19/04/2018 20:13

Can someone explain to me why the boy with autism must learn to control his reaction but the girl seems under no obligation to keep her voice down?

If it was as easy as both of them being able to stop behaving the way they do but choosing not to, it would be easier. I imagine the girl struggles to behave appropriately as does tho OPs son.The OPs son has more reason for hiis difficulties but he is also more extreme in his behaviour which is why most posters are putting most of the blame on him

Talking loudly in class is on a completely different level to getting out of your seat, walking over to someone and shoving them. There's no comparison. We don't know how loud she's being - many people with ASD are more sensitive to noise than the rest of the population, so she may not even be talking that loudly. For all we know, she isn't even necessarily the loudest kid in the class.

Having to go to school in full knowledge that one of your classmates may attack you in front of everyone and no one will stop him must be frightening. Having sympathy for the OP and her son doesn't change that. If the teacher tells the girl in question that she needs to change her behaviour, then it'll send out a very bad message of victim-blaming.

Springnowplease · 19/04/2018 20:13

Can someone explain to me why the boy with autism must learn to control his reaction but the girl seems under no obligation to keep her voice down?

because she isn't doing anything wrong. Some DCs have loud voices.

seriouslystumped · 19/04/2018 20:17

So much ignorance about autism on this thread it's making my blood boil. Autism is a DISABILITY. Just because it's not physical doesn't make it any less real. Some people are absolute fuckwits.

Mrsfrumble · 19/04/2018 20:19

The days when women had "to be in silence" to appease men are gone now.

True, but not really appropriate to this thread. Unless you're suggesting that the OP's son is distressed by the girl because of misogyny rather than sensory processing difficulties.

The sex of the children involved isn't relevant.

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2018 20:26

No I don't think the OP's son is acting misogynistically MrsFrumble. But I do think some of the posters blaming this girl for the crime of being loud are.

Yesiamhappy · 19/04/2018 20:28

Op did you speak to your son about what happened

You mentioned he wears headphones on the way home - perhaps the girls mum had tried to talk to him and he didn’t hear -(she may have thought he was ignoring her) she then pulled his jacket to attract his attention and he got scared and jerked back causing the jacket to get ripped?

My son was bullied for 2 years and it’s awful - the school kept saying it wasn’t the bully’s fault as his parents were getting divorced. It didn’t make me feel any sympathy as my son was coming home having bean beaten / covered in blood etc

flumpybear · 19/04/2018 20:28

Sounds like the school isnt safeguarding the pupils well - is there a specialist school so he can get better support?
Unacceptable that a mum collared him but I'd be really unhappy if this kept happening to my daughter too - not an excuse but perhaps wouldn't have happened under different circumstances

UndomesticHousewife · 19/04/2018 20:34

You cannot put your hands on any child for any reason.

The school needs to manage this a hell of a lot better.
Your son needs much more support and the environment needs to be looked at because if normal school noise levels are a trigger for violence then it’s a problem. It’s not fair on your son to be in this distressing environment nor on the other children.
At the least I’d expect an assistant to be with him at all times it’s not good enough that this escalates to such an extent before they turn up.

The girl also needs protecting because she has a right to be in school without threat of violence and I’d say this should be a concern of yours too, if it was my child I’d want to know what they are going to do to help my son but also the girl.

Is it only in the classroom? What about in the canteen how does he cope there or in the changing rooms for PE?

SleightOfMind · 19/04/2018 20:36

So your DS has been shoving a classmate when she gets so loud he can’t hear the teacher.
Not ok but needs to be managed better by the school.
Classmate’s mother accosts your DS on the way home from school and grabs him, visibly damaging his blazer.

If I’ve got this right the school is failing your DS and his classmates.
The mother who grabbed your DS on the way home from school is off the scale of wrong though and that needs addressing hard and fast.
Adults can’t just grab 11yr olds on the street and yell at them. It must have been terrifying for your DS.

Mrsfrumble · 19/04/2018 20:38

But I do think some of the posters blaming this girl for the crime of being loud are.

I'm not being objective, but I suspect it's more a case of some parents of children with ASD wishing that, for once, the NT world would adjust to accommodate their children's needs rather than the other way round. However unreasonable and unlikely.

Jaynesworld · 19/04/2018 20:46

@upsideup i would move my child as a last resort as they are not keeping any of the children safe. Id rather my child move school than being assaulted.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 20:49

I’m not saying this girl is being too loud but there certainly are children who are too loud and it is disruptive, not just for children with sensory issues. She may or may not be one of these children. She certainly doesn’t deserve to be hurt by anyone for that but if she is being disruptive that should be dealt with too. By the teacher, obviously. Not any of the pupils.

BlueRoses28 · 19/04/2018 20:49

Those people don’t want to understand autism. They want it sent away to special schools where their darlings don’t have to be bothered by it

Who said there was anything wrong with them?

Whoever said the above that's who. Making it sound as if these kids are being 'sent away'. They're in an environment with teachers who do understand autism.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 20:50

And that’s nothing to do with her being a girl and girls should be quiet.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2018 20:52

They're in an environment with teachers who do understand autism.

Do you know how wide ranging autism is?

It is very very far from 'this child has autism this is what you do'

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 19/04/2018 20:52

Thanks for all the reports about this thread. You may have noticed that we've been through it and have deleted any posts which were reported to us and broke Talk Guidelines. Sadly, most of the deletions were for disablist posts.

To be clear, we absolutely do not allow disablist posts on the boards.

Do take a look at our This Is My Child Campaign especially the Myths about Special needs and consider the challenges many parents of children with disabilities, or who have disabilities themselves, face on a daily basis.

Mumsnet exists to make parent's lives easier and if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some understanding and moral support.

Peace and Love.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 20:52

Whoever said the above that's who

I said the above and that is absolutely not what I was saying no matter how much you want to pick at that bone.

Making it sound as if these kids are being 'sent away'

No. I was making it sound like the idiots who keep saying “he shouldn’t be in mainstream” want autism sent away.