AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

[MissOlivier]

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

@branleuse you have voiced my opinion far more articulately than I ever could.

I don't think removing all disabilities from the classroom is the answer. However on a pure cost benefit analysis the removal of one child would benefit the 29 other children. It's harsh but true. If that child was properly supported and his assistant was in the classroom to help him manage the meltdowns then that would be fine.

Funding wise schools have to fund the first 4-6k of any SEN provison themselves. Its a myth that all funding from a statement comes from the LA. School funding is a joke anyway, we have HTs employing rubbish (but cheap) teaching staff, schools are shutting early to avoid having to give pupils lunch. 6 statemented pupils could be 36k of funding lost. In context that's a full time teacher (with at least 6 years experience).

@Valanice1989 eh aye I know, I am one! But if she was diagnosed with something severe enough to mean she was unable to control herself from lashing out when angry do you honestly think she’d be allowed to have custody of her child??

I really feel for you OP. It’s so, so fucking stressful when despite your best endeavours and doing all you can your child is seen by other parents as “that” child. I know only too well x

It’s awful for the girl and her family too of course but no, the Mum shouldn’t have struck him.

Clearly the blame lies with the mother who assaulted your child, and underfunding of SEN provision nationwide.

Your child is not to blame.

KT63

I have been instrumental in getting EHCPs, PSPs, statements and god knows what else for children, it is getting progressively harder and harder for schools to make any headway in to a rapidly depleting pot of money.

I have had responses from county that would make you scream, I have seen fellow teachers and parents and carers in tears because of the difficulty in getting any sort of help.

Schools are failing children because they can't help the children due to funding and ever changing guidelines and goalposts.

You are right it is soul destroying, but it is soul destroying for everyone involved.

Dermymc “. Its a myth that all funding from a statement comes from the LA.”

No it isn’t. That’s the sort of crap the LA spout, but it’s simply untrue. The LA have a legal duty to provide the provision in the plan, and if the school has spent its notional budget elsewhere then they MUST go back to the LA and point out that the LA cannot and must not delegate this statutory duty.

They haven't blamed the boy at all. Most acknowledged that he is not to blame for his violence (but the violence is still there).

A court would have sympathy for an adult losing her temper in those circumstances. She's human.

@BoneyBackJefferson

I know and I understand that. I’ve spent most of the last 11 years battling the system to get my children the support they need. It’s a shit and broken system.

Boneybackjefferson when I rule the world, all teachers will be fully conversant in SEN law.

For example, if you can get an assessment for EHCP done, you’ve a huge chance of getting the plan issued and funded, yet hardly anyone applies because instead of following the law, they listen to local LA guidelines which actually have no teeth at all:

This is the criteria for an EHC needs assessment to take place.

Section 36 (8) of the Children and Families Act:

“The local authority must secure an EHC needs assessment for the child or young person if, after having regard to any views expressed and evidence submitted under subsection (7), the authority is of the opinion that -

(a) the child or young person has or may have special educational needs, and

(b) it may be necessary for special educational provision to be made for the child or young person in accordance with an EHC plan."

OP

I hope your son finds the help he needs. Please keep agitating for this. He deserves and needs this and the school isn't doing a good enough job supporting him.

If I were you I would ignore the posters telling you to call the police. That could ruin this woman's life and would very badly affect her whole family, including the daughter that your son has been targeting. Don't mistake or misinterpret this to meaning I think what she did was ok, I don't. If she had beaten him up I would have said yes, police. I would try to let it go and focus on getting more help for your son.

A court wouldn’t. And shouldn’t.

And there have been more than enough “autism or not” “special needs or not” posts, and several actively advocating violence against him. Anyway. My brief return to MN is going to be just that, because some of the absolutely vile human beings on here make me despair. Rotten to the fucking core and enabled by moderators who don’t give a fuck.

SEND funding

councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/sites/default/files/uploads/resources/images/cdc_funding_briefing_for_parents.pdf

I could cry about the system for autistic kids. My other two kids never got violent, so I didnt get the vitriol and most of their needs were able to be managed with an EHCP, although I managed to get my eldest into a SEN school eventually, but i dont feel like it would be suitable for my other two. Theyre not a perfect solution either.

Im worried ive said this that NT people will start thinking that parents of autistics SHOULD feel obliged to remove their kids for the sake of others, and thats not what I mean, and of course not everybody feels confident about it or is able to give up work (although most families with autistic kids usually need at least one parent to give up work anyway)

I just think if a child is aggressive and violent, then theyre not coping, and noone can effectively learn under that sort of stress anyway

Ok KT63

Bigpharmafemme

here is the big if

the authority is of the opinion that

far to subjective and too much wriggle room.

This thread just shows how inclusion doesn’t work

If autistic children are so easily triggered, then it sounds like mainstream class isn’t right for them. It’s so loud in a normal class that even I , as an NT (I think) but highly noise-sensitive and introverted adult, would get stressed by it. It seems cruel to subject ND kids to that if it is so difficult for them, and it is equally cruel to expect other kids to just accept being hit shoved etc. Hard to see how anyone can learn effectively in that situation. Pretty disgraceful really.

Very Obviously she shouldn’t have shoved him.

Boneybackjackson that’s way out of date! The 2014 Children and Families Act clearly states the duties of the LA, the Code and the Regs show how to do it.

Have a look at the IPSEA. Whoever is sending you links like that to refer to, is selling you short.

Bigpharma don't worry I am fully versed in the law.

Have you worked in a school and tried to get the funding? I think not.

Top up funding is impossible to get without spending 6k first. Our SEN budget is tiny compared to the students we have.

The system is very very broken.

Everyone naturally wants to protect their own child, but once he gets a little older the world won't revolve around him and if targets other people they will hit back

I don't think it's likely that the girl's mother has SEN, KT. I was just pointing out that we don't know one way or another.

I have sympathy for the OP and her son. Realistically, this situation cannot continue. OP, have you or the teacher told him that if he suffers sensory overload, he should leave the classroom for a few minutes rather than lash out? (I'm sorry if that seems obvious, I'm just trying to think of ways to manage his behaviour.)

Bigpharmafemme

I was finding something quick about SEND funding that stated the LA funded schools, and it was quicker than wading through overly worded documents.

Those people don’t want to understand autism. They want it sent away to special schools where their darlings don’t have to be bothered by it

And what's so wrong with 'special' schools? My autistic DSS attends a SN school and it's absolutely the best thing for him. He would be swallowed up in a mainstream setting, he would disrupt the class and possibly be violent, he would be utterly miserable. The teachers at his school are amazing and he's come on in a way that he wouldn't in mainstream.

The OP's son is actively getting up and going over to assault this child. The fact that this is being allowed to happen shows that he's not being supported. If he's regularly getting this distressed then he's not got adequate support because surely he's not learning anything if he's that agitated. That said, the school is so failing to keep the girl safe if she's being assaulted regularly and it's quite likely that the situation is pretty distressing for her, assuming she's not literally shouting over the teacher talking all the time.

The op's son isn't necessarily to blame but that doesn't mean he should be able to repeatedly assault another child.
Unless there's something more to the girl's behaviour which we don't know about (e.g. deliberately upsetting the boy) and it's just her voice causing upset then she's equally not to blame.

The other mother's behaviour is what I would expect from an older sibling not a parent. It's unacceptable and you should involve the police.

I understand her anger, I would feel the same if one of my DDs was being regularly shoved at school. Although I would get it, as my DD1 (9) is on the spectrum (SPD and Attachment Disorder as a result of being adopted) and she can lash out. Thankfully she doesn't do it at school, only at home where she targets me or DD2 (6).

So I would have sympathy for you, OP, but I would be furious with the school for not having strategies in place for your DS and to keep other children safe.

Some comments on this thread are disgusting.