AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

[MissOlivier]

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

Well if bullying (which I don't think this is btw) and violence weren't tolerated in schools a lot of children with asd would benefit. But you might still end up in the position where some were excluded.

@immortalmarble

"He isn’t being “violent” housewife, or at least not the way you or I understand the word.

"

His mum is the one who told us he's repeatedly violent towards the girl? I didn't make it up.

And we'll have to see if the girls' mum grabbing has collar has worked, won't we?

It's not ok at all but the reality is that the history would be constats mitigation by a court - that isn't demonising anyone.

Considered

@findingmyfeet fair enough, sorry.

And we'll have to see if the girls' mum grabbing has collar has worked, won't we?

It’s funny how the sympathy inevitably lies with the NT children affected by the ND children not being supported properly though eh?

I don't think that's the case. Enough people have posted saying differently.

My relation had severe autism and would never have coped in mainstream school. He was diagnosed very young and had excellent specialist education from the age of 4 to 19, in various schools, including 3 years boarding Monday to Friday.

He's an adult now, living in sheltered accommodation with a good quality of life. I doubt he would get the same opportunities now. He needed to be taught life skills. He had severe learning difficulties and would have been lost in MS.

It wasn’t when I was charged for shouting at a child who had repeatedly and consistently targeted my own child because of his disability in his own garden. Taken as mitigation I mean.

as an autistic parent of 3 autistic kids, I agree that inclusion is OFTEN shit and was only designed as an excuse to shut down loads of SEN schools.

Inclusion should work, but its not funded enough to work, and you end up with overworked stressed teachers trying to manage violent behavior and pre-empt triggers that would be hard enough to pre-empt on a one to one basis sometimes, let alone in a classroom, and often the trigger is the actual school environment itself.

We need more SEN schools, and we need more ASD units in mainstream schools for the aspies that are academically able but unable to cope with other things about school (where a SEN school wouldnt meet their academic needs)

The support for kids like this just isnt there anymore. Its been systematically underfunded and removed.
That poor boy is obviously stressed out to the max. His classmates are stressed out to the max as they are bearing the brunt of his rages.

Its not about not wanting autistic kids around neurotypical little darlings necessarily. I have also got shit from other parents because my daughter got violent towards them on occasion when stressed out, and ultimately I have removed her from school and am home educating her because she couldnt cope with mainstream and there is not a SEN school in the area that would meet her academic needs.

I wish more people with autistic kids would consider this option for the sake of their child, instead of forcing their child into situations day in day out where they just cant cope and end up aggressive and miserable.

I WISH to god there was a better solution. Our children deserve an education, but most schools now cannot cope with this sort of challenging behaviour, and wishing they would, doesnt change the reality

@MissOlivier , firstly I am so sorry for the mess this thread has become. As an autism mum myself, I understand your concerns. My ASD son is 9, and has always stimmed by twitching and mingling his fingers in front of his face. This has developed over the years to coming behind his siblings and shaking their shoulders so their heads move, or being right in their faces with his fingers then screaming. Thankfully, it hasn't happened to anyone outside of the family, to the best of my knowledge, but we ALL hate it. We have tried over the years to reason with him, punish him, shout and scream at him, talk to him, do it back to him. I am genuinely at my wits end and whilst we aren't at risk of a serious injury, he is getting bigger and stronger every year and I wouldn't be surprised if we found ourselves in a situation like yours in a few years time.

The thing is, DS is high functioning so firstly we haven't shared his diagnosis and secondly those who do know are rather dismissive. Thé agression/dépression associated with ASD comes out at home, after he has spent the whole day at school 'trying to appear normal and fit in'. (He has been on daily therapy since 3.5).

Now, if I was in your shoes... I would go and talk to the other parent. I would talk things through with her, and agree on a plan. I would encourage her to talk to my son, to let him know in an appropriate manner, what he was doing to her daughter, how he was making her feel. Hopefully, she would be receptive and hopefully it would start to resolve. Sadly, it wouldn't be an overnight thing, as he would have to learn to control his impulses, or find an alternative release. Equally, she should be encouraged to stay away from him, and if she cannot, to control her loudness. 'Inside voices' is not a difficult concept, and is generally considered considerate behaviour towards all.

'Keep your hands to yourself' is a motto EVERYONE (NT/ASD/CHILD/ADULT) should follow. And we can only lead by example.

Please keep flagging it up with the school, for both the children's sake. Teachers are not magicians with endless patience, time and resources, but they can only manage the situation with the information they are given. Communication is ALWAYS key.

Good luck. X

I gave up reading this thread half way through as it was making me so angry.

Op, please post on the SEN boards for proper advice. All you will get on AIBU is ignorance.

Unless you have a child with autism you know fuck all so stop with the bullying bollocks. The ops DS has a disability ffs!!

Yeah, I'm sure the sensory issues that led to the OP's son lashing out in class will have magically disappeared now he's been assaulted by an adult.

What amazes me is that a grown (presumably neurotypical) woman is being absolved by many posters as being ‘understandably’ (in their view) unable to manage her emotions and behaviour, and an autistic child is being called a bully for struggling with his.

He’s obviously struggling - I would be pressing the school on how they are going to manage this. IME, when hormones kick in his triggers may become more frequent. This reminds me of an autistic boy who was in my class and a very loud girl - they used to argue constantly and it all cane to a head in Year 9 where we had to separate them for their own safety! It must be very frustrating for you. And no, there’s no way she should have grabbed him. We are all protective of our children but you just cannot do that.

@Springnowplease DS1 is in a unit for autistic children attached to a mainstream. Because it benefits him, he wouldn’t cope in mainstream.

DD is going to mainstream and I am beyond terrified. In case she comes up against people who think like some on this thread.

I absolutely agree that inclusion is woefully underfunded, that there aren’t enough specialist school placements for children in desperate need of them, and that the whole system is failing many, many children.

What I am enraged about is that it is ND children bearing the blame for this and not the shitty government/schools/councils and people in a poison to change it.

It’s funny how the sympathy inevitably lies with the NT children affected by the ND children not being supported properly though eh?

My sympathy lies with all the children involved. There is no easy fix.

Position not poison.

@Ionalovebead , wow. Just wow.

What a great post, TheMonkeyMummy. In an ideal world the OP and the girl's mother would be joining forces to approach the school and persuade them the situation needs managing.

Did I miss the post from the OP where her son had gone from "shoving" the girl to "battering" her?

No there isn’t. But it’s soul destroying that the vast majority of posters appear to be comfortable with blaming the autistic child, condoning violence against him by an adult and not challenging the fact that schools are failing all the children by not helping a few.

@Ionalovebead firstly, nowhere, not once does it say he battered her, so you’ve just made that up. And secondly, aren’t you a charmer? You’d hit or get your kid to hit an already distressed, frightened, overloaded child rather than approach the school and ask why they weren’t doing more to prevent it?

It's totally disingenuous to say the vast majority are condoning violence against the ops child. That's just not true.

They are saying they understand how it could happen but it's still wrong. Please don't misrepresent.

But KT63, not all adults with SEN, depending on how severe their disabilities are, have the same cognitive capacity.

Really? Because that’s not what I’m reading. The vast majority of posters on here apportion blame to the boy and sympathy to the adult who couldn’t control herself. Which is pretty disgusting.