To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

YABVU. Your son's father is doing a really good job parenting him and us putting in a lot of hard work. You are undermining it. At the moment he is the one doing all the hard work and you are making it harder. You owe it to him to support him.

Your ex sounds controlling to me. Tell him to back off.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with snuggling a 7 year old and co sleeping. He likely misses you and wants the closeness. He'll probably grow out of it soon enough.

I feel sorry for some posters

I wouldn’t do the bedtime thing because with my kids they would just stay awake. The bath thing - meh, by boys wouldn’t let me have a bath alone until they were about 8, sometimes my 6 year old will strip off and get in with me. Not sure where there is any undermining going on.

I’m still waiting for the job interview where they ask if I can though.....

🤣

I slept with my sister, in a double bed, until I was about ten. Do you think in the dim and distant past, when we lived in tiny mud huts, that children had separate rooms and separate beds? Did Mrs Cave-Woman have a rigid going-to-bed routine?

imagine them saying i saw mums boobies or vagina or worse vulva

Oh, the shame of my ds correctly identifying and anatomically naming my body parts in an educational environment!

Are you for real? Do people really not allow their 7yo dc to see them naked? I want my children to grow up knowing that their wonderful, miraculous bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. I'll start covering up when they tell me they are uncomfortable with it.

7 year olds don't have sexual feelings. Touch feels pleasant to them, in much the same way a back rub feels nice to adults, but it has no sexual link at that age.

My son still wanted to bathe with me until recently and he is 10!
I remember asking a health care professional and she said he will make it clear when he has outgrown this. He did this at around 9.
I don't think you are odd at all OP, he's still little!

YABVU. Your son's father is doing a really good job parenting him and us putting in a lot of hard work. You are undermining it. At the moment he is the one doing all the hard work and you are making it harder. You owe it to him to support him.

Really?Evidence?
Bedtime at 7.30 rather than 8ish and a concern that homework be done straight away ( not that it's done - DS does homework at his mum's) does not make "a really good job parenting"

@InfiniteCurve is there evidence that he’s not? Or is there a bias towards OP because she’s female and he’s male? Because I am sure if OP was male this thread wouldn’t be going down the same road.

If a male NRP was on here slating the RP and demanding she not tell him what to do or ask him to stick to a routine he’d (rightly) get his arse handed to him.

From the OP I can't see how her ex is being controlling- his tone could probably use some work but he is the RP and the majority of the time DS is living with him. He seems to be lobbying for more consistency in their parenting because glaringly different parenting styles can be very confusing for a child, not to mention that getting into regular sleep patterns and treating school work as a priority can only really be positive things for him going forward.

It does sound as though the OP wants to give her child a 'fun' childhood. I've no problem with that but a large part of parenting is about preparing the child for the next stage of his life, not just enjoying the here and now. If she has him at the weekends then surely the fun stuff can be done alongside the routine he's used to?

As a RP (yes I’m projecting) there is nothing more irritating than the NRP blathering on about being “fun” when you’re the one that has all the tough stuff to deal with, bills to pay, uniforms and clothes to buy, and wanting to be “fun” too but responsibilities to ensure your child has everything they need come first.

NRP can have all the fun without actually having to do the day to day mundane stuff, so my sympathy would always be with the RP in this situation.

I wonder if all the people commenting only see their child 40% of the time. I expect DS misses you and enjoys the extra closeness of snuggling to sleep and co bathing.

Judging by what the child is requesting (I.e bathing together, co-sleeping) this is exactly what’s going on here.

All this is, is a clash of parenting ‘styles’ and it’s hard enough when that happens and the parents are together and I can totally see how the difference could cause issues. The way the ex has gone about this is totally wrong though and he should absolutely not be asking for reports from the child. That’s quite harmful manipulation there.

A parent who berates his child for only scoring 90% on a test rather than 100% sounds more than a little controlling. He also wants his son to "report" on his ex wife's behaviour, to check she's following instructions. More controlling behaviour and very unhealthy.

I think a woman posting that she was behaving like that certainly wouldn't be supported. She'd be told that what goes on in the other parent's time isn't her business. You see it on here all the time, when the male nrp is parenting his way.

OP didn't say she co-sleeps, just that she lies down with her son for a while as he falls asleep. Her ex has no right to demand that stops.

And Primary age homework isn't a priority, ffs. Not saying don't do it but it's not the most important thing a child does in the evenings and weekends. Children learn in many different ways other than school work.

Why aren't you the RP?

@LiteraryDevil I'm not sure you are missing the point. That's why I asked OP how the separation and custody and stuff were worked out, and whether there was any involvement of lawyers or mediators - or if the man just told the OP what was going to happen and that she would obey him or else...

I totally agree with you and it's absolute nonsense he's too old to bath with you. People are so weird to even say these things about a Mother and child. To lay down next to him is also lovely. Your Ex is a wanker, tell him to fuck off.

Just finished full thread... I can't see how bathing at 7 is inappropriate, and I'm surprised that so many posters are saying that as he's telling his dad he doesn't want to then he must be lying to you... Of course your descriptions are potentially but it sounds as though your ex is the one your son might be afraid of and therefore more likely to lie to. If your son asks to bathe with you and you say no, it's pretty apparent that it's because your ex has put his foot down... And that's a horrible message. Your ds shouldn't believe that you have to do whatever dad wants even when you're not in his house and neither should you! It's awful behaviour from the ex. He should set up a meeting with you to talk through parenting styles and maybe reach some compromises but absolutely not involve your son in spying or feeling guilty about what happens in either house or feeling he has to lie to keep the peace. Ffs. Put a stop to it however you can, op, if you can.

Also hahaha hahaha to the homework thing, of COURSE homework is not a priority at 7, and it should be his own work, not yours, so why should you ensure it gets done 'properly'?! Stupid helicopter parenting.

Are you the non RP because you choose to move away with your DH?

Co parenting I presume will be difficult when both parents have completely different ideas. Can you and your Ex not meet up to discuss this face to face rather than over text? As it sounds as if your DS is caught in the middle which isn’t healthy for him.

I would like £1 for every thread started by a woman on here who is RP, has set up routines for the child/ren and it all goes to pot when they go stay with their Disney Dad at the weekend, when he effectively lets them run wild, feeds them rubbish let's them stay up late and deposits them back at the DMs house where they proceed to run amok, high on sugar, while she attempts to bring them down off the ceiling and back into their routine for school the next day.

The vast majority of posts support the RP DM, so why is it different that the RP is the DF in this case. The OP has admitted to being a Disney Mum.

OP I am pretty shocked that you put as your number one reason for moving 10 miles away (which is hardly that far) that it is due to my dh needing to live in the same town as his exw so that he can have his dc overnight. So you put your relationship and your DP's DC as priority over being RP of your DS?

Can you and your Ex not meet up to discuss this face to face rather than over text?

Discussing face to face is very difficult if you're dealing with someone controlling. You can end up sobbing and 'being pathetic' at your inability to have your opinion viewed as valid. Anyone who's been through an abusive relationship will recognise that dynamic, I suspect.

I think it is likely that OP is a "Disney Mum" only when compared to Mr 100% is the Only Acceptable Score.

The fact that he’s your ex doesn’t change anything when it comes to raising your son together. As you would when you were together, you need to agree on an approach and stick with it.

DS gets 90/100 in spelling. One parent high fives and takes the boy out for milkshake. The other says it’s not good enough, you should have got 100/100. Just how confusing is that for the boy? Give it a few years and he’s going to be playing both of you like a fiddle.

Being a Disney Mum, making him “happy” in the short term, isn’t necessarily what’s good for him. There’s nothing in any of your posts that suggests either of you want anything but the best for him. Your posts do, however, suggest your sacrifice what may be in your DS’s best interests in favour of what helps you most. Sure, none of the things you do for your DS are harmful; but the lack of consistency between parents is.

The boy spends most of his time with one parent, who sounds like he’s taken on more responsibility for structure, education, stability. I think it behoves you and your son to stick to that. He’s still little, it’s not like he’s doing A Levels - there should be plenty of time at your house for fun and cuddles and treats and play AS WELL AS prioritizing spelling and homework and getting to bed on time like he does at dad’s. It’d be a small adjustment.

IIWY I'd stop the bathing, it could cause problems. I'd also be more careful about consistent bedtimes, although our kids (now grown and almost grown) were allowed to stay up a little later at weekends and it didn't hurt them or mess with their sleeping.

The rest, I'd tell him to jog on.

Also it sounds like you have him 50% if you are having him on a 4/3/4/3 schedule, in which case, unless you are making a lot more money than him, why are you paying maintenance?

As for the 20 minute commute being some sort of problem, utter BS.

I think it depends a little bit. Is he struggling to sleep when with DH because he is used to being cuddled by you? If so you might need to help him become more independent about it.

I think bathing with a 7 yo is weird but if you and your DS are both fine I don't see any harm. Is it always his suggestion? If he is a people pleaser and you say 'shall I share the bath?' He might be saying yes to make you happy rather than because he wants to. I would only do it if he specifically requests it with no prompting from you.

Homework is fine on your own schedule if done on time. If you are sloppy about checking it it's easy for you to get better about that.

Structure is good for kids but there has to be balance - hopefully you and your ex can work it out.

I agree with the pp we have a 4/3 schedule and we are 50/50 and no maintenance is paid.

I can't understand why you did not retain residency? I assume your ex claims the child benefit.

''It's FINE for your son to bathe with you! My DD is NINE and still sometimes hops in with me!

She's too tall really so it doesn't last but why on earth are people saying it's not right??''

it is wrong as boys[providing they are heterosexual] start to be aware of sexual attraction and thoughts by seven even though they do not understand it and they are sexual responsive to the female body at that age. Therefore a boy being in such close proximity to a female in a bath is inappropriate as many boys will likely have urges towards their mother-remember they do not understand what is going on or have the maturity to not look at their mother but it still happens. Put it this way-if it was a father bathing with his seven year old daughter you certainly would not say it is acceptable.

Adults[namely mothers] bathing with parents differs based on the gender but generally a mother should not be bathing with her son after he is a toddler[4-5 year old max but 7 is defo too old]. It can be a bit older if it is a mother and daughter though.