To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

I think its a shame you cant discuss this and decide what is best together but it sounds like compromise isnt something that works with you both.

A child who tells both parents what they want to hear isnt a secure child. The sleeping thing is tricky because if your son then cant sleep well without you then its very unfair on him. And must be frustrating for your ex. So at your ds age i would knock that on the head.

I see the issues with boundries and less (non existant in ex BILs case) and it makes one insecure child. My dn is rude and nervous when he gets back from his dads. It takes a day to settle and then he is thrown out again.

Compromising is best with you on the sleeping and your ex being rigid with homework.

When your ex says you arent doing things properly with your ds, is that coming from the teacher? Or just him? Its worth speaking to hee/him.

'I wonder if all the people commenting only see their child 40% of the time. I expect DS misses you and enjoys the extra closeness of snuggling to sleep and co bathing.'

This. And what SGB said. And tbh, your ex's arrangements wrt his other children are not your (nor your son's) problem, and it's not fair on your son or you for you to be giving up time together because of that. IIWY I would get residence arrangements looked at again with the help of a mediator.

Boggling slightly at all the suggestions that it's inappropriate for a parent (of either sex) to bathe with a 7yo (of either sex). I think in the UK there is a big rush to 'grow up' - early school starting, pride in children watching films/reading books far too old for them in content (I don't mean violent etc., but in terms of understanding), teasing in Reception (!) about kids liking 'babyish' things. I think this makes us forget how little 7 really is. My very independent eldest was coming into our bed nightly until 8 or 9, whereas our midedle one barely did it beyond 4. It sounds rather as if the child needs the closeness after spending most of the time under the regime of his father. Structure can be provided together with gentleness and love - the spelling test anecdote makes me think there may not be much of the latter going on for the little boy at his father's.

Btw the OP admitted she was a ‘Disney’ parent. She was quite open about it!

i have 2 boys age 12 and 10
7 is too old to be bathing with them as they are now taught sex education from primary one so know all your body parts if your not covered up.
imagine them saying i saw mums boobies or vagina or worse vulva yes here taught all these names at school.
co sleeping at yours will make it more difficult for him to settle with the other parent it needs to be consistant routine so that it works anywhere.

I don't think either of you is wrong - you just have completely different parenting techniques.

But you only live ten minutes away? That's hardly long distance - thousands of children travel further than that for school each day, and most adults have a commute of at least an hour each way. I don't think that's a reason for your ex to have more contact than you! I would be fighting for that.

Kristofer you sound crackers.

some of oyu need to take a trip over to Step parenting.

If the EXW should so much as dare to suggest routines for the DSC in the new blend house - all hell and fire and damnation is reigned down on said vile nasty EXW.

What is different here? Do what you like and your EX needs to stop bullying your child, what goes on in oyur home is none of his bloody business.

no mind my boys are now hitting puberty (so things had to change pretty quickly in our household)
ive moved them to a catholic school so they were taught loving relationships instead of the sex ed (im in scotland)
be aware ure kids do get taught all there body parts
dont be nieve and think they dont notice (take it u dont know this or are not aware they get taught it at school ) goodluck u have a boy xx swimsuit rule?

I am aware my children are taught body parts....I taught them myself!

I am not naive and think they don't notice.....what's wrong with them noticing something? Noticing a breast for example?

at school and repeats to his pals (i saw mums boobies)
we were on holiday and they noticed topless at 7 bikinis were worse we had to the swimsuit rule as a older lady (50s was wearing a bikini) and my youngest who was maybe about that was touching her for attention (hate that story but its true)

Ex-partners/ex-spouses are regularly dissed for co-sleeping, co-bathing and focusing on fun over structure during their time. It affects the kids when they go back to their other home. As a NRP woman, I think that you've been given an easy ride compared to what a man would have gotten.
If your child has a history of saying what they think you want to hear, you need to make some choices for them. Perhaps stay in the bathroom while he has a bath (schools usually separate boys/girls changing at that age) etc because your actions will eventually lead to him lying to his Dad for an easy life.

I'm going to go against the grain here, I don't think there's anything wrong with bathing together at 7 if he's the one instigating it. But I mean him entirely suggesting it and you saying 'wouldn't you rather have one on your own and I'll sit and play?'. If he then still wants to then there's nothing wrong with it.

My DD is nearly 6 and on occasion she'll jump in when I'm in the shower. I'll try to discourage her (as she takes all the water and ruins the shower for me!) But if she really wants to and I'm not in a rush then I'll let her. I'll also cuddle her while she falls asleep about once a week (usually on a Friday night after she stays up a bit late for time without her younger siblings). They may be growing up but theres no harm in a cuddle and I wouldn't class it as babying unless its every night. If it is every night I can understand that it may be making bedtime harder work at his dads.

He absolutely can't tell you how to parent, just as you can't tell him how to.
However for the sake of DS's consistency while having to live between 2 homes you should try to meet in the middle.

Can you speak to your ex without DS there, and say you understand he'd like you to focus on independence and structure more, which you will try and do, however you feel he needs a slightly more relaxed environment at his dads and a bit more affection/being treated as a 7 year old rather than slightly older child.
If you can both communicate your points of view without it turning spiteful/critical then hopefully you can both adjust slightly and DS will have similar rules and expectations at both houses which will make it a lot easier for him.

As long as no harm is coming to your child, you can do what ever you like. I believe as long as a child feels love and happiness from what you do with them then it's fine.

I'd bathe and cuddle my 7 year old he is only 3 now but I will until he says so do everything and anything to make him happy. If that means fun bath times, cuddles at bedtime whatever as long as their is love.

Tell him no and you will take him to court he can't control you!

You gave birth too your son as long as it's out of love keep doing it.

Why has no-one asked "are you paying maintenance?" Yet. When the NRP is male it's usually the first response...

They have, she said she is.

I’ve not read all the thread so apologies if this has been said already.

I am unsure as to the bathing with a seven year old but I also think you have to stop it and explain why in a way that doesn’t give your son my upset or insecurity. The sleeping thing is bollocks.

What I found most disturbing is that your exh would inform you he would be asking your DS for “reports” back on these matters. For that I would wipe the floor with him. He sounds like something out of the fucking Stasi

I remember having baths with an adult female au pair and being vaguely grossed out by the adult body in all its developed glory. But if your sons ok with it then why not.

@BillMasen if this post was written by a man, I’d stake my house on it going in a very different direction.

@MotheroftheNorth

Are you reading a different thread to the rest of us or just making things up to fit your narrative.

COP ONTO YOURSELF

I'll be yelled at for this, but children normally are very knowing about not giving info on one parent to the other. I would talk to this child, and to the ex, about over-sharing. Most children realise instinctively that it will lead to problems if they 'tell tales', but it sounds as if the exH in this case pressures the child for details of what goes on in the his mother's house. This is really really really really really really really really really controlling by proxy, I wouldn't stand for it for flipping second.

To me, this is just two people having opposite parenting styles. Neither is “wrong”. I tend towards OP more than her ex. Parents living together quarrel over parenting. Shared residence with someone you don’t live with must be very hard, especially where both parents may feel the other parent is undermining what they do. Your ex has no right whatsoever to tell you to do things differently. However, it is in your son’s interests for you both to be able to work together over his care. The VERY worrying thing about this is your ex is quizzing your DS about what happens when he is with you, he will pick up on the hostility, and this could, if it becomes a long term thing, really affect his emotional development and wellbeing. He will start feeling “torn” between you. He will love you both, but be utterly unable to deal with pleasing you both without upsetting one of you. I used to work in a childcare field - contact disputes that came to court. One young child became so anxious about exactly this sort of thing - being quizzed by one parent who was deeply hostile to the other, that she developed petit mal epilepsy. Please try to stop this now, whether by mediation, talking to your ex, even compromise. Try to get him to agree NOT to bring your DS into disputes between the two of you. Tell him that you will be honest about how you raise your DS and if he has a problem, he must go to you, NOT your son. I feel for you, this is a hard situation.

@BillMasen Someone suggested that the Dad (RP) pay HER maintenance. 😂

At seven it is not appropriate for you to be bathing with him.

Why?

Being able to fall asleep independently is a valuable life skill IMO.

I take it you prefer to fall asleep on your own without your DP in the bed then? But damn! I knew I should’ve put ‘can fall asleep by myself’ on my CV! I’m still waiting for the job interview where they ask if I can though.....

Being able to fall asleep independently is a valuable life skill IMO

I agree with this. People who can’t sleep without their DP in bed with them are putting a lot of pressure on someone to meet their own selfish needs.

I wouldn’t bathe with my kids, I don’t think it’s inappropriate, but it’s not something I’d do. I’d ask your son what he wants, and tell him there’s no wrong answer, you want to know how HE feels and will go with that.