Conversation hogger!

[Banoffeematernity]

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

My conversation hogger friend does have high achiever children! I’m a bit jealous to be honest.

Please update us after the group meets, Banoffee

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting some very unwarranted vitriol. People who totally monopolise and dominate group conversations are likely to irritate and wind up quite a lot of the people around them, sometimes even causing groups to fail with people drifting off in frustration. I bet that OP is by far the only one to be exasperated by it. That level of commandeering the group talk is almost akin to bullying others, to stop them talking. I actually don’t think OP was that offensive or that harsh. It was a heartfelt and quite frankly an understandable reaction. I hope, I wasn’t as bad, as the conversation hogger but I used to get excited and talk over others when really young. It makes me cringe now. I was the one who filled any silence with chatter. That can grate. And you know what someone said something a little along those lines of what OP said to me many moons ago. My cheeks were red with burning shame and it stung. But it was much needed to make me a bit more socially aware of others. That person has actually become a dear friend and I’m grateful to her for telling me rather than giving up on me when we were youngsters. I apologised to her for talking over her and we found a great equilibrium with both getting a say in our conversations. If Conversation Hogger has any redeeming social graces, she should herself apologise and make an effort to be mindful to the other mums in that group. If you trample through life, oblivious to some basic social etiquette, such as allowing others a say, you then really don’t have the monopoly on being thin-skinned.

That level of commandeering the group talk is almost akin to bullying others, to stop them talking.

Talking too much is thoughtless and antisocial and irritating but it really isn't bullying. Giving someone an unsolicited character assassination when they've asked you out for coffee, on the other hand, might be.

Banoffee as you proceed through your "parenting journey" you will be able to bin off bores such as conversation hogger and find like minded women - you won't be trapped in the baby groups for too long.

Now my kids late primary I mustered have a friendship group of around 14 of us, not one conversation hogger is included. Bliss.

Shamelessly place marking to see what happens at group this morning 🙈

My conversation hogger friend does have high achiever children! I’m a bit jealous to be honest.

That's absurd. My two conversation hogger friends also have relatively high-achieving children, but they manage to reduce their achievements through their constant promotion. I feel badly for their kids, actually.

Actually I feel guilty writing this, because one of my conversation hogger friends is incredibly lovely, charming, an actual genius, and when she finally manages to free herself of her digressions- can be a great listener.

The other one is pretty irredeemable, but is firmly fixed in my circle.

Talking too much is thoughtless and antisocial and irritating but it really isn't bullying.

Yes. Probably sensible to leave the B word out of this.

Wow how rude is the OP

She’s probably either isolated and talking, nervous and burbling too much or just bouncy. Massively unlikely to be conscious.

I’ve ditchd a few mum friends for the opposite reason, they are all passive aggressive and judgemental of character flaws yet want it all on a plate their way. I’ve organised enough meet ups to be told it wasn’t right, either they sat in silence and weren’t inculded\ led and guided into conversation to their liking or kid wrong age, didn’t like food and so on..... but the same people never invite you out, talk about you and have little meets excluding others regularly. Sort of quiet and superior about others who are too loud/ too confident/ too something. Enjoy it a bit when someone gets a bit crushed and finds a new group even at times.

I’ve learnt the hard way not to meet in the bigger groups or make an effort too much, and be me.

Well you have my sympathy, OP.

Caught off guard by a woman who is rude constantly (because conversation hogging is rude) you were blunt in your refusal of her invitation.

I worked with a woman like this and the rest of the office used to consciously avoid her at lunchtimes because none of us could get a word in, and if two people at the end of the table said something to one another, she would lean over, touch them on the arm (or hold their arm) and say "Just a minute let me finish" and drone on for another 10 minutes. No one within a few metres was allowed to speak!

I was younger then and in retrospect, we should have handled it differently because she eventually did realise she was being avoided and ostracised and was hurt. If we had been honest it might have been better. I was in my teens at the time btw, and she was in her 30s, and one of the oldest there.

I would seek out the conversation hogger, apologise for my choice of words and tone, and explain that I often found it very hard to get a word in, and wanted to hear the end of the other mum's story, for example, and in my tiredness I lost my tact filter and was rude. In other words, I would say sorry for upsetting her, but stop shy of apologising for the content of what I said.

How did it go?

I work in software and a higher than average concentration of people who work in computing, especially developers, can lack in social skills - it's part of their personality - so I'm quite familiar with hogger type behaviour. I'm not saying that the hogger necessarily has a personality like this, but to assume that we are all equally capable of being socially appropriate in all situations if only we knew what we were doing wrong, is just a fallacy. It doesn't make it any more bearable to be on the receiving end but, generally, the rudeness is unintended. Maybe if someone told them bluntly how their behaviour made them feel they would miraculously turn into socially engaging people, but I doubt it - it would just hurt them.
Early motherhood is brutal and isolating for many people, especially those who find it harder to connect with people socially as it sounds like the hogger may.
Of course you're under no obligation to go for coffee if you don't want to OP (although I find it hard to believe it would really be that bad), but is it really so hard to avoid saying things that would be hurtful? Exhaustion makes us all spiky but if that's going to be your excuse for unkind comments then don't expect to be making bucketloads of mummy friends yourself either.

How was group?

Bumping cos hope things are sorted x

@Banoffeematernity two Wednesdays have now passed since your original post and no update?

We’re not entitled to one of course but you did hang in there for 32 pages, it would be interesting to hear the outcome...

This thread is unintentionally funny. OP is so clearly one of those people who brags about being "straight-talking" but can't take it when others do it to her.

I also get the feeling her real annoyance with this woman is that OP likes to be the centre of attention at the group.

OP is so clearly one of those people who brags about being "straight-talking" but can't take it when others do it to her.

Everyone who brags about being 'straight talking' is like that.