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AIBU?

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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 21/04/2018 11:45

OP, have you thought to reflect more broadly on your behaviour around this group rather than this one incident? Maybe your actions were part of an unconscious agenda on your part?

From an outsiders point of view it looks like you 'Wendied' her. You join a group but don't like one of the members. When that member reaches out to you for a simple coffee invitation, you are rude, blunt and insulting.

Rather than politely decline her invitation and / or have a quiet word about her behaviour with the group host, you are deliberately mean to her. It is highly unlikely she will ever return to the group now. Therefore you get exactly what you wanted, her out of your way.

LimonViola · 21/04/2018 12:06

OliviaStabler Wtf? Really? I think you're looking pretty deeply into something that isn't there.

This woman was rude, OP was honest with her. I think it's for the best all round.

OliviaStabler · 21/04/2018 12:14

*OliviaStabler Wtf? Really? I think you're looking pretty deeply into something that isn't there.

This woman was rude, OP was honest with her. I think it's for the best all round.*

Just a different perspective, which I am allowed to have Grin Might be right, might be wrong but from all I have read, that is what I can see.

OP wasn't honest, she was very rude. There are ways and means to avoid people you don't like or to delicately broach difficult subjects.

speedynamechange73 · 21/04/2018 12:19

keepserving I agree, usually MN is full of advice on how we should all be totally direct and honest with people who are annoying us. But now that someone is, they are in the wrong and are vilified.

OP, I'm another one who thinks who you were tactless, and I'm not sure I would have done the same. However, I do understand as I have a few friends like this, and one of them is truly exhausting, with endless tales of her if she's allowed free rein of the conversations. As we are friends, and have a group of mutual friends who see each other very regularly, I refuse to let her talk over me and will continue to talk if I've started a sentence.

But on balance, I do like her, I know she is a sea of anxiety underneath. Yes, it's really annoying sometimes but I do choose to keep her in my life.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/04/2018 12:34

I think Olivia is pretty bang on tbf.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 21/04/2018 12:55

You can be honest without being rude. Op could have said she can't do coffee as she's just not up for socialising due to exhaustion. No personal attack needed .

Lacucuracha · 21/04/2018 14:28

I think OP has been remarkably tolerant of goady from posts from the likes of @MadMags and @GreatDuckCookery. Interesting to note that MN have deleted some of their posts but not OPs. That says alot.

I tend to think that OP is rational enough to have seen that the hogger was dominating the session every week, to the detriment of herself and others. People suggesting that OP should have just said she was tired don't get it. OP and the others still have to deal with the hogger every week. How is that fair on the group? Why does this woman's right to talk trump the group's right to contribute to conversation? I think people who aren't direct are a bit jealous of the OP.

You can usually tell the difference between people who talk too much due to nervousness/social awkwardness and people who talk too much because they think what they have to say is more important than what others have to say.

My aunt is a chatterbox, and my mum can't abide it so tends to avoid her but then just lets her talk on and on when she does see her.

My other aunt is more direct and just gets up and says she's leaving when aunt drones on. Chatty aunt just says 'sorry, please don't leave' and then shuts up and lets others talk. So people who are more direct fare better I think.

SherbrookeFosterer · 21/04/2018 15:39

TBH I think you should give yourself a pat on the back!

MadMags · 21/04/2018 16:09

If MN have deleted any of my posts then it was 100% wrong to do so, because I didn’t break talk guidelines.

But I don’t really give a shit either way.

MibsXX · 21/04/2018 16:18

When my son was little, I'd had NO adult contact to speak of for about 4 years in a row, so I too ended up being guilty of babbling at people on the rare occasion I was in company.. for me it was a loneliness issue and an attempt to be friendly... it's taken me a long while to teach myself NOT to babble

Dazoo · 21/04/2018 16:40

You sound sane and reasonable to me, OP. I don't understand why the witches are coming out on you. I think you can apologise as you have mentioned, from what you say she could be unaware she's doing it and sounds interesting so, who knows, maybe it's worth a try.

Rawesome6 · 21/04/2018 16:54

Golly you were rude OP, and deliberately so. It's a pity you said something like that to a chatterbox, I bet that most of the group will know about what you said soon.

Do you struggle with knowing where social boundaries are? You are very critical of the woman you said this to but I think you are more unpleasant than her and so I would pick friendship with her over you.

Time for a new group perhaps...best hope she's not at your school gate in 4 years time!

Rawesome6 · 21/04/2018 16:58

Oh wow just realised you started the group. Good god. How delightful.

Lalala2018 · 21/04/2018 17:15

You may have just given her a complex. She may need to work on her listening skills but maybe you need to pipe up more and be more assertive.

Etino · 21/04/2018 17:22

@Rawesome6
I’m not sure whether the OP set up the group or started to go to it...

Cupcakey · 21/04/2018 17:23

I feel really sorry for this women, as many others have said it could have been nervousness, I think you will have really hurt her feelings as I bet it took courage to ask you for a coffee. She could be feeling isolated with a little one and maybe blurts everything out as she doesn't see many other people. I bet she won't be at the group anymore, feel really sorry for her. Hmm

llangennith · 21/04/2018 17:25

I haven’t RTFT but you may have done the chatty woman a favour. I’m sure you’re not the only person she talks at, and over.

Okaynowimconfused · 21/04/2018 17:25

I do think you were rude yes.

Something like "that depends, will I get a word in?" followed by a smile with raised eyebrows would have been kinder.

loulou987 · 21/04/2018 17:28

Good for you OP Wink

LimonViola · 21/04/2018 17:44

OP made it clear she didn't start the group, if you RTFT.

Rawesome6 · 21/04/2018 17:49

Ooops my misunderstanding re starting group. Stand corrected, OP should learn how to write with clarity as well as say no without being unnecessarily bitchy.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 21/04/2018 20:18

Meh you don't need to be mates with everyone in the group. Op sounds quite secure. Maybe the hogger will take the advice.

I met some stunners at baby groups and when they popped up years later at birthday parties I was quite horrified.

The Mum who talks for her baby like a weird Ventriloquist still gives me slight nightmares

DanceDisaster · 21/04/2018 20:23

The Mum who talks for her baby like a weird Ventriloquist still gives me slight nightmares

Ah I can imagine. Poor you! That must have been very upsetting for you. I take it you confronted this vile woman and told her exactly what you thought? That’s the right thing to do you know, and definitely not the actions of a nasty little bully Hmm.

Bzrb · 21/04/2018 20:53

The majority of people are saying the OP was cruel and bullying and that it should have been said nicer. The way some of these comments are being put across are in a cruel, judgemental and bullying way. Check yourselves people!

LimonViola · 21/04/2018 20:53

Ah I can imagine. Poor you! That must have been very upsetting for you. I take it you confronted this vile woman and told her exactly what you thought? That’s the right thing to do you know, and definitely not the actions of a nasty little bully

Talking through your baby is weird and unusual, but it's not rude in the way steamrolling through conversations talking incessantly about yourself is.