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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
DanceDisaster · 22/04/2018 08:42

C) the people who don’t mind chatterboxes (assuming they aren’t spouting bigotry) and genuinely don’t get into a massive froth over someone talking too much. No silent seething. No confrontation.

D) people who think you should always err on the side of tact and kindness, especially when it’s a new acquaintance, as you don’t know and can’t guess what the other person might be going through.

GnotherGnu · 22/04/2018 08:47

Limon, if someone told you they felt your conversation was like a battle that left them exhausted, would you seriously feel that they were being friendly towards you?

And how was asking OP out for a coffee rudeness?

Lacucuracha · 22/04/2018 08:55

@LimonViola I agree with you 100%, very well put.

Chuggachugga · 22/04/2018 09:02

I vote D) .... brutal honesty is usually only taken well by people close to you. Tact is king when dealing with people that you don’t know well!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 22/04/2018 09:05

It sounds like she might have anxiety.

Hereiam1980 · 22/04/2018 09:05

Maybe she doesn’t get to chat to others in the same situation, maybe she’s nervous, maybe she’s unaware she’s doing it and just wants you to like her... maybe she’s just tired and not thinking straight...I hope you were nicer?! That was harsh

Aridane · 22/04/2018 09:17

You were unspeakably rude - I am surprised so many posters thin otherwise

Twofigsnotgiven · 22/04/2018 09:33

Sorry, OP, I think you were rude and unkind, even if the other mum was annoying. You were tired with a new baby, so probably is she! She asked you for a coffee you and you responded with that? That wasn’t the time and place to say it. Badly done.
This other mum was inadvertently irritating. You were deliberately rude. I know who I’d rather avoid at mum and baby groups.

itsthequietones · 22/04/2018 10:12

I get where you're coming from OP. I used to have some conversation hogger friends. Actually, they didn't hog the conversation because that wasn't happening. It was a monologue from them, a stream of whatever was going through their heads at the time. Conversation implies a two way street.

They weren't actually friends either. Friendships are based on give and take, reciprocity, shared interests, care. You cannot develop that if someone only wants to talk about themselves and their own interests.

I started zoning out around 4 people I knew like this, just couldn't help it. At the time my father was very ill, he died recently and these people honestly couldn't have given a shit. It was all about them.

I don't see or talk to 2 of them anymore. Another 1 has changed a little, not much! He is my ex and has a good heart, but just isn't good at conversation with me a lot of the time! We help each other out with childcare etc, so we still get on. The other person changed and is now my friend, she occasionally hogs conversations, but generally realises or I say something. It's not a big deal with us any more.

I wouldn't knowingly go for a coffee with a conversation hogger, it's just not a very interesting way of spending my time, I'd much rather spend it with people who were interested in having a conversation. I don't think what you said was harsh either, just honest.

manicmij · 22/04/2018 10:13

Perhaps she is a very anxious person hence the talking so much. Do the others in your group find her overbearing too? You were a bit tough on her, a phone call or an approach at next group to say as a person you like her but you really prefer to have a "quiet" chat over coffee as you relish the time from the house etc if she is willing to give it a go.

LimonViola · 22/04/2018 11:03

Today 08:47 GnotherGnu

Limon, if someone told you they felt your conversation was like a battle that left them exhausted, would you seriously feel that they were being friendly towards you?

And how was asking OP out for a coffee rudeness?

No, I wouldn't take that as being friendly! I don't think I've claimed that anywhere. But nor would I take it as rudeness. You can be honest and direct without being rude. It wasn't a personal attack, like 'I don't like you', she named the actual behaviour and how it made her feel! I'd take a step back and feel bad my behaviour had led to her feeling that way and be seriously questioning how I was in group situations.

The coffee invite wasn't rude, at all. The non stop talking, not letting OP get a word in, butting into another mum's story about her sick child to tell an elaborate story of her own, those were the rude behaviours.

RoseWhiteTips · 22/04/2018 11:23

To the PP who differentiated between conversation and monologue - yes, that’s exactly. Conversation is a two way process.

RoseWhiteTips · 22/04/2018 11:28

The excuses that the bore was anxious etc etc - and so many have spun that line - do not impress. She just wanted to talk AT anyone.

RoseWhiteTips · 22/04/2018 11:30

...that’s it exactly

Dee61 · 22/04/2018 12:33

Suckingeggs.....this is me after drinking too much coffee

RoadToRivendell · 22/04/2018 18:45

C) the people who don’t mind chatterboxes (assuming they aren’t spouting bigotry) and genuinely don’t get into a massive froth over someone talking too much. No silent seething. No confrontation.

I actually really like chatterboxes and usually find them charming, they are really much easier to deal with socially.

I don't like people who have zero interest in anything but themselves, and begin the search for a pretext to resume their monologue the moment someone else ventures a comment.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 22/04/2018 19:20

Bloody hell. Can't believe people are still arguing about this. We all know op was bang out of order. End of ! rosewhitetips You are way over invested. Haven't you got anything better to do that goad people with this purposely controversial nonsense?

AnxiousPeg · 22/04/2018 19:43

Are people still insisting "it sounds like she has anxiety"??!

I know we're supposed to imagine anxiety can take just about any form... but is it really credible that anxiety should manifest as bossily taking control of and monopolising all conversation? So anxiety manifests as absolute, all-encompassing confidence and domination?!

Pull the other one.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 22/04/2018 19:48

Oh god Anxious What rubbish.

AnxiousPeg · 22/04/2018 19:53

Care to explain?

Social anxiety involves at least some level of worry about what others think.

Everyone knows that talking over/interrupting people is RUDE.

It's nonsensical to claim that someone who cares deeply how they're viewed will do these things.

Even anxious people understand facts Hmm

AnxiousPeg · 22/04/2018 19:56

It's rubbish to claim that people "can't help" how they act.

People can suffer unwanted feelings, be unsure what to say, stutter, mumble etc.

But actually talk over another person.

Sorry. Take responsibility for your decisions.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 22/04/2018 20:01

Personally It sounds like Op was over dramatising events due to 'lack of sleep'.. she even suggested her extreme rudeness to the chatty woman was because of this. I know the chatter was a bit full on but my point is that there is NEVER an ok time to speak to people in such an offensive manner. Can only imagine how the poor woman felt.

Shumpalumpa · 22/04/2018 20:02

@thequeenisdeadboys

We all know op was bang out of order. End of ! rosewhitetips You are way over invested. Haven't you got anything better to do that goad people with this purposely controversial nonsense?

What are you on about? I don't think OP was bang out of order. And it's hypocritical to goad rose while accusing her of being goady. Which she isn't.

AnxiousPeg · 22/04/2018 20:27

There seems to be a school of thought that certain people, due to anxiety, "can't help" actively choosing to do things like butting in and talking over other people; they are not accountable for this rude behaviour, apparently.

But other people, like OP presumably, must be held fully accountable, and chastised unendingly , for a single rude outburst despite being treated rudely for weeks. Okayyyy...

Thequeenisdeadboys · 22/04/2018 20:45

Gawd. Ya all bonkers ! Ta-ra !