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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
user1493282396 · 22/04/2018 20:53

She probably has baby brain poor thing. Thinks of something she just has to say but if she waits she will forget. Brave of you but a tad harsh

AnxiousPeg · 22/04/2018 21:49

Great argument thequeenisdead Grin

user1471558723 · 23/04/2018 08:42

I know someone like this. He is basically a kind person but at the same time he is a crashing bore. He likes to dominate all his social interactions. He holds forth endlessly with his "stories" which are interminably boring. If someone, years ago, had been brave enough to point this out to him, then they would have done him a favour.

It is impolite to treat others as your own personal "audience", without encouragement from them.

I think the op was brave to speak out. l hope her friend takes it well, and benefits from the sound ( if harsh) advice.

NameyMcChangeRae · 23/04/2018 08:46

Haven’t read the full thread...
But I think you’re horrible OP.
I can imagine very well which person you are at playgroup.
I hope the woman finds someone nice to go for coffee with

OliviaStabler · 23/04/2018 09:18

I know someone like this. He is basically a kind person but at the same time he is a crashing bore. He likes to dominate all his social interactions. He holds forth endlessly with his "stories" which are interminably boring. If someone, years ago, had been brave enough to point this out to him, then they would have done him a favour.

@user1471558723 Do you not agree though that there are ways of communicating such a message without being rude or insulting? We cannot go about telling everyone all that we think and feel in full honesty with no filter.

LimonViola · 23/04/2018 09:47

thequeenisdeadboys

Bloody hell. Can't believe people are still arguing about this. We all know op was bang out of order. End of !

Wishing this to be true does not make it true. Plenty of people have posted agreeing OP was not out of order. You really should know, given that you've argued back against them.

The irony of you coming back to the thread to make the point that you can't believe people are still coming back to the thread is brilliant.

This has really hit a nerve with you, hasn't it?

NameyMcChangeRae · 23/04/2018 09:52

Also - Eva and Ava are basically the same name, especially with a regional accent.

For some reason the mums of Eva’s I know are snobby about Ava? Not sure why, Avas nicer than Eva. Something to do with he symmetry...

LimonViola · 23/04/2018 09:54

I hope the woman finds someone nice to go for coffee with

I doubt this will happen. Or if she does, it'll be a one off never to happen again. People who are shameless conversation hoggers always make me wonder whether they're self aware or not. It must be a vicious cycle actually, you behave like this so people pull away, so you talk even more in a desperate attempt to keep a conversation going, people pull away even more. You end up lonely, so when you do see another person you can't stop yourself blabbering on incessantly because you know you have a limited time before that person pulls away too...

... or maybe it's just someone full of self importance who barely even notices the responses of others. If you don't notice or pay attention to the very basic need of the other person to contribute to the discussion, I doubt you're picking up on any social signals.

Either way, whether it's intentionally being self centred and rude or she's completely oblivious and doesn't realise she's doing it, being told to her face how she's making OP feel is a good thing.

The truth hurts sometimes. That doesn't mean the truth shouldn't be said. Especially when you're affecting others.

It's not like OP walked up to her out of the blue to say 'by the way, you know that you're hogging every discussion and nobody can join in with you around, right?'

The hogger approached OP! And tried to ask her for coffee, which would potentially have been more time sat frustrated while she went on and on. I'm not surprised that after the frustration of having to be subjected to it for a few weeks at the play group OP was honest. Maybe it stung, but it's honest info she can work with, and it probably stung the rest of the mums being unable to have a nice time at play ground getting to know each other for the past few weeks. I imagine if anyone overheard they'd be silently cheering!

OP, did you ever hear back from her again?

Banoffeematernity · 23/04/2018 10:49

NameyMcChangeRae

Whether you think the names are the same as irrelevant. I didn't introduce my DD by writing her name down and showing it to convo hogger - I told her it, and needed to correct her repeatedly.

To take it upon yourself to mispronounce a child's name repeatedly because you prefer/think it should be said a different way is ridiculous.

However, I don't think this is the case with convo-hogger, I just think she's that focused on what she wants to say that she absorbs very little from what others say.

OP posts:
mollymollymoo · 23/04/2018 10:56

I have a friend that answers the question she's just asked you. Usually with something completely random that you would never say. Unfortunately that then becomes 'fact' in her mind and it takes ages to disabuse her of it.
I have started to just be quiet until she's finished or suggest if she'd like to shut the fuck up I'll answer..
She is one of my best friends and I sort of love her for it but Jeez it's irritating sometimes.
Then we drink wine and neither of us makes sense, so that's all ok realy Grin

HoneyBadgerApparently · 23/04/2018 10:58

Have you been back to baby group yet?

Banoffeematernity · 23/04/2018 10:59

LimonViola

I'm back at the group Wed morning, so will wait and see if she shows.

A couple of the mums also go to another group as me on a Friday. Obviously I didn't mention OP, and we chatted away as normal. They either know/don't know and care/don't care - some combination of that.

OP posts:
Ohmmmnm · 23/04/2018 11:03

Ex dp is like this and he has adhd. Will speak for hours about any and everything, always brings the conversation back to himself, will use 500 words to explain a point when a simple sentence will do and ignores the other persons attempts to join in the conversation. He says he has no idea he's doing it though and is just trying to get out the jumbled, frenzied thoughts in his mind. Maybe the lady has something similar? Seems mean to tell her off for something she has no control over.

frutti · 23/04/2018 11:13

Hmmm. I haven’t rtft but I do this. It wasn’t until I had counselling and it was pointed out I am extremely anxious around people that I just go off on one in a conversation and talk over people and miss all social cues that it dawned on me how many people this probably annoys.

I think your text was unnecessarily harsh and I would probably have cried for days at that knowing I’d ‘done it again’. However I also think it’s good to be honest with people.

Perhaps if you’d have said, yes as long as you let me get a word in haha’ and then if she still doesn’t, say what you want to her face that would have been better.
Either way if you had no interest in being friends perhaps a simple no thanks as a response would have sufficed. FWIW my whole personality changed after having dd and it took years and lots of lost friendships and professional help to realise.
I say this to those being mean on here and celebrating someone probably being quite hurt by your message.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 23/04/2018 11:19

@Ohmmmnm yes but we arnt that inclusive by nature - humans I mean. We gravitate to others get on with or have a shared interest. A baby group is a random selection of mums who showed up only having a baby and loving locally in common.
Why should the op hang out with someone she's not keen on? The op as an adult is free to choose

Why should hogger Mum wander around oblivious to why her invitations are rebuked - that's a bit mean too.
She may have additional needs she may not - it's still the op decision

OverTheHedgeHammy · 23/04/2018 11:21

Some of the respones on thread is odd. You certainly weren't socially,y polite. I think you were a little on the harsh side, but you said it directly to her politely, you said it 1 to 1 without involving others. I really don't think you were out of order.

But, I doubt that you will ever be 'friends', and i doubt she will come back to the group. Hopefully, she'll learn to not be as bad in the future. But that's ok.

AnxiousPeg · 23/04/2018 11:39

Seems mean to tell her off over something she has no control over

That's the thing I'm struggling to understand. Barring a genuine condition such as Tourettes, surely we all control what comes out of our mouths?

We might not be able to control, say, stuttering, or clamming up, or blushing etc.

But if you can hear that someone is still speaking and you launch into your next point regardless, that is a deliberate choice. And it's rude.

Similarly, if you know you've been talking for many minutes, and you elect to continue anyway, despite no one else having had chance to speak, you're making a choice. It's conceivable that if you do this all the time it becomes a habit that you barely notice, I'll admit. But then it's even more important that someone points it out to you!

Not noticing that you're being a crashing bore is not the same as having no control.

GreenVelvetwithfrills · 23/04/2018 13:46

Well I feel sorry for the person being effectively told off, mainly as I sI’m also guilty of her transgressions, usually as a result of being so pleased to have someone to talk to, having left work to have youngest.

I hope the poor woman, has confidence to find a new place to go, after your rebuke, and that you didn’t shatter her self confidence.

If it had been me, I really don’t mean to interrupt people, but I have done so several timesin the past and apologised.

RoadToRivendell · 23/04/2018 14:49

Seems mean to tell her off over something she has no control over

Don't be ridiculous. Are you one of these fools people who also thinks you have no control over whether you get pregnant?

OliviaStabler · 23/04/2018 14:52

Are you one of these fools people who also thinks you have no control over whether you get pregnant?

That's a whole other thread Grin

RoseWhiteTips · 23/04/2018 15:57

She has control. Most people have control. It’s actually called self control.

Lethaldrizzle · 23/04/2018 16:27

It's a bit precious to get upset about people mispronouncing your kids name though

AnxiousPeg · 23/04/2018 16:50

Yeah, I think it does come down to whether you believe in self-control or not...

Some pp keep implying convo-hogger can't help it. This is weird for those of us who usually (ok, not 100% always) control our words and actions and believe that we're responsible for those actions and words.

flowermug2 · 23/04/2018 16:55

Honestly, I don't think I'd come back to the baby group if I were her. I'd be mortified of ever seeing you again.

NameyMcChangeRae · 23/04/2018 16:56

Well, if people have 100% control over their words and actions, then being tired was no excuse for OP to be so horribly rude, was it?