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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
DanceDisaster · 21/04/2018 20:58

I actually don’t think the op was bullying. I think she just fucked yo a bit and didn’t filter before she spoke. It happens.

Other posters on here though, patting op on the back and gunning for other women, because of some irritating habit they have, sound very much like nasty little bullies from their posts.

DanceDisaster · 21/04/2018 20:58

*fucked up

LimonViola · 21/04/2018 21:00

I think it's helpful for OP to hear that it's fine that she was honest with this woman instead of just passively avoiding her or lying, especially when her actions affected other people in the play group too. I'm not sure I like sending the message that someone responding to an invite honestly is to be apologised for.

DanceDisaster · 21/04/2018 21:06

But it wasn’t fine that she was honest imo. It was a gaff by the op. It’s not a crime and I don’t think she did it to be cruel, but it’s socially unacceptable to pass comment on someone like she did, completely uninvited. Most people aren’t this direct as you never know why someone might be a convo hogger. Posters have speculated on both sides, so I don’t need to reiterate, but nobody really knows this woman (even the op who only just met her). That’s why it’s safest to be tactful and kind, even when being honest. To pat someone on the back for being tactless and hurtful towards another mum at a baby group, even though it was unintentional, is actually pretty abhorrent.

Copperbonnet · 21/04/2018 21:15

I think it's helpful for OP to hear that it's fine that she was honest with this woman

I’m sure it it is helpful for the OP to be told that her actions were fine Limon.

But lots and lots of posters don’t think it was fine and would be horrified to hear that someone they knew had said this IRL.

There have been quite a few posters suggesting that it was a positive thing that the OP did this “on behalf of the group”.

If I had been a member of the group I’d be appalled if anyone did this in my name.

The OP has only been attending for 4 weeks. The other woman is a longerstanding member.

It’s not at all clear what the group will make of this.

I’m pretty sure they’ll all be reading this thread though.

ButchyRestingFace · 21/04/2018 21:20

I’m pretty sure they’ll all be reading this thread though.

Why?

Did it #makethemail?

Copperbonnet · 21/04/2018 21:29

I couldn’t say Butchy as I don’t read the mail but it is a 30 page thread on the UK’s largest parenting site and there’s enough details to identify the group if you were one of the members there last Wednesday.

The lady concerned will certainly be able to identify herself as will
anyone else she told about the incident.

If the chatty lady was one of your friends what would you think about the OP given her posts?

ButchyRestingFace · 21/04/2018 21:34

If the chatty lady was one of your friends what would you think about the OP given her posts?

I would think OP was bang out of order and owes a very humble apology. And shouldn’t be surprised if she is ostracised from the group.

I don’t think it was bullying though, rather a moment of madness.

OliviaStabler · 21/04/2018 21:38

Did it #makethemail?

I hope not!

Copperbonnet · 21/04/2018 21:41

Given her other posts I suspect that such caustic honesty may be a feature of the OP’s personality much like the over talking is a feature of the other lady’s personality.

We all have flaws. I suppose we just have to hope that we find friends who love and accept us inspite of them.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 21/04/2018 21:53

@DanceDisaster there was nothing to confront her about? How have I bullied?

CadyHeron · 21/04/2018 22:16

If I had been a member of the group I’d be appalled if anyone did this in my name.

Same,speak for yourself if you find her annoying/talking over, in a group setting there's likely to be others who don't have a problem with her!
As a quiet person, I quite like the talkative ones as it means I don't have to think or worry over what to say Grin
So yeah, you don't just make yourself Queen of The Playgroup and speak as one whole voice for other adults.

DanceDisaster · 21/04/2018 22:45

Meh you don't need to be mates with everyone in the group. Op sounds quite secure. Maybe the hogger will take the advice.

I met some stunners at baby groups and when they popped up years later at birthday parties I was quite horrified.

The Mum who talks for her baby like a weird Ventriloquist still gives me slight nightmares

Your silly faux horror about the mums you’ve met and about the way another mum interacts with her baby^^ at your playgroup, along with your support for the op’s, (I think unintentionally), hurtful comment towards another mum with a ‘meh’, doesn’t make you come across as very kind.

But, I never actually said you had bullied anyone did I? I was making the point that, if we all disclosed fully what we didn’t like about each other, completely uninvited, then we would be crossing the line from ‘direct’ into cruel, mean-girl, nasty bullying.

If you randomly attack someone’s flaws at playgroup as a one off fuck up, truth spillage, like the op did, that’s one thing. To actively seek to do so, is just picking on people, like a horrible playground bully.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 21/04/2018 22:54

@DanceDisaster bit of a thread derail and possibly a raw nerve so moving on...

Squeakyheart · 21/04/2018 22:55

I tend to hog conversations due to a lack of social skills. I don’t mean to and if meeting people I know will often have to practice conversations to try to avoid doing this so I can be better in a prearranged meeting. I also go over each conversation afterwards and give myself a hard time over missed opportunities. I do hope this lady is not like me as I would have been devastated.

DanceDisaster · 21/04/2018 23:04

bit of a thread derail and possibly a raw nerve so moving on...

No, not really. I’ve been making the point for a while now that the posters supporting the op, patting her on the back and egging her on to be ‘direct’ are the ones who I find very Hmm. The op just made a bit of a gaff which clearly was hurtful to the other woman. Why else would she be posting unless it is because she knew she’d made a bit of a faux pas? Patting her on the back for hurting someone else though... that’s a bit cruel.

I also found your faux horror silly and bitchy in the context of the thread, so I said so.

Not really a derail and not a raw nerve, seeing as I’ve never spoken for my baby “like a ventriloquist” and since the day I have enough to say that I manage to hog a conversation, will be a long time coming. So guess again.

ihateyoupepapig · 22/04/2018 00:27

I chat shit when I'm nervous and don't even take in what people are saying because I'm scared they won't like me or think I'm rude or something. She might be the same as you, if you said that to me I'd think your where horrible and would t ever even look at you again

elsmokoloco · 22/04/2018 02:04

I don't think the OP needs to be congratulated or castigated. I think it was one of those unfortunate situations where the OP's unfiltered response due to acknowledged tiredness and frustration got the better of her. I don't know the other women or the OP, and I don't know the group dynamics. I do know that I hope the OP has the opportunity to try and make peace with this other women. It's up to the OP if that means apologising or avoidance. I would be interested on an update at the next group meeting.

MeltingSnowflake · 22/04/2018 02:07

Good for you! Yes, she may be a little hurt/embarrassed BUT it will probably help her in the long run - she might develop a little conversational self-awareness and therefore make/keep more friends.

Copperbonnet · 22/04/2018 03:11

Melting there is no evidence that she doesn’t have any friends or has any problems keeping them just because the OP doesn’t like her.

I made this point to a P.P earlier, being talkative a basic personality trait it’s bit that easy to change.

It’s naive and simplistic to suggest that one harsh comment is going to have a transformative effect.

Snugglywithmycat17 · 22/04/2018 06:24

1 comment at the wrong time can hurt someone badly for the rest of their lives. Also, commenting when someone has just had a baby is awful.

If u were going to give constructive criticism it should have been gently offered when the time is right, not thrown back at this woman because u couldn’t be bothered to go for coffee.
You were mean! She deserves an apology.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 22/04/2018 06:33

Urgh my sister is like this. Seems like it's a difficult thing to change... I have brought it up with her in the past and she's marginally better when she remembers to make an effort but it's clearly false and she quickly slips back into me me me. I actively avoid her company as it drives me insane. Very sad not to have a relationship with her.

But yes if an acquaintance was like this I'd probably just drop them rather than saying something. A close friend id be able to tell without offence.

Lacucuracha · 22/04/2018 07:19

@CopperBonnet

Given her other posts I suspect that such caustic honesty may be a feature of the OP’s personality much like the over talking is a feature of the other lady’s personality.

Really? Can you give us some examples of these caustic posts from OP? I thought she was very calm in arguing her case here. It's sad that a woman defending herself is seen as caustic. OP has already said she is going to apologise to the woman and yet people still want her her to cringe and grovel before Mumsnet.

LimonViola · 22/04/2018 08:30

But lots and lots of posters don’t think it was fine and would be horrified to hear that someone they knew had said this IRL.

And lots and lots do think it was acceptable under the circumstances! And given the kicking OP is getting on here from those who think she was in the wrong, I think it's positive for her to also hear from posters who think she acted fine. Otherwise it just becomes one sided and OP walks away thinking everyone disagrees with her when plenty don't, plenty have said good for you, and several have made very insightful posts about exploring why the chatterbox's rude behaviour is seen as acceptable, when the OP's honest response to it (highlighting how it affects her) isn't. Like PP have more eloquently expressed, steamrolling across people in conversation so others can't get a word in is rude, whatever the intention. OP spoke her truth and so the chatterbox knows why she won't meet with her. We all have to deal with critical feedback day to day, sometimes it's so subtle we don't notice it (people turning away to indicate they're done with the discussion, people declining your invitations, people trying to 'soft end' a conversation multiple times when you just keep talking obliviously). Some people go through life unaware of what they're doing that's putting others off them. So there's every chance that when the sting wears off for this lady, she may realise how her actions have impacted the OP and be more cautious and self aware in the future.

Also, she may not. She might be unaffected and thick skinned. But I do genuinely think it's fine for OP, off the back of a frustrating play group where she no doubt wanted to chat to others, share a little about herself, and learn about the group, and was left exhausted by being talked at incessantly, to tell the other woman how her behaviour comes across. And I do think it must have been pretty severe for OP to have made a point of telling her and be unwilling to even see her one to one.

Some people err on the side of social passive aggressiveness, never really saying what they actually think, to maintain a veneer of all being well. Others are more blunt and straightforward/honest. Neither is bad, just different approaches. But i do think it's sad how many people have jumped on OP for replying to someone's invite with a genuine expression of how the inviter's behaviour made her feel. I'm not sure that's any crueller long term than just making an excuse and the inviter having no clue why OP won't meet her.

I would want to know. Whether chatterbox does or not is unknown by us. But that doesn't change OP's right to say it. Because the other person was rude.

LimonViola · 22/04/2018 08:38

From the OP

I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted.

None of that is nasty. It's factual. It's calm. It's honest, yes, and I think a lot of the responses against op on the thread seem to boil down to either

A) absolute horror that she had the temerity to actually be honest to this woman rather then do the typical socially expected brush off, or

B) posters who understandably reacted very strongly and emotionally because they recognise they do a similar thing and are putting themselves in the woman's shoes and acknowledging how upsetting it would be to hear.

OP didn't call her names or tell her she's an awful person, she named the problematic behaviour and how it made her feel. I admire that she was bold enough to respond to rudeness instead of just saying 'oh I'm busy'. No doubt there was an element too of knowing she would be seeing this lady again at the next group and wanting to take a stand asap so she wasn't subjected to it any longer and could socialise with the other mums in peace/wanted to avoid any further invites.