Follow up to booking a holiday when it's ex mil's birthday bash...how do I reply to her note?

[dragonator]

Some of you may remember my thread from last week:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3221102-To-deliberately-book-a-holiday-that-will-prevent-dc-going-to-ex-mils-birthday-extravaganza

The upshot was I booked the holiday and decided not to email mil (kept writing and deleting and didn't send it). Today a letter came addressed to the dc. I recognised the handwriting so opened it (they weren't here) and it contains an invitation for them. It turns out the party is a day later than they told me, so they would have been able to travel down the day after my birthday, but it would still have meant the holiday couldn't have gone ahead as the cheap flights were all the second half of the week. It states 'Daddy will be bringing you down by train on the Friday,' which is irritating as it's not her decision. It also states ‘You will be back at X Sunday evening,’ which is also annoying. Reference is also made to 30 light planes which will be flying people up, which also makes me very glad they aren’t going.

A note to me is also enclosed. I am informed that mil hopes the dc will come as they ‘will greatly enjoy the event,’ which they may or may not have done, and I find the tome strident. She then says that she has worked out it falls on ex’s weekend (it doesn’t as we have different arrangements in the holidays), but if not she hopes I ‘will be able to make adjustments.’ It’s one of those statements that sits uneasily between being an order and a request, veers more towards being an order, and it has really pissed me off. She then states they will be back in plenty of time for school and will be able to celebrate my birthday with me on the day.

The whole thing reads like she knows she’s taking the piss a bit but has decided to brazen it out and present me with reasons why I can’t refuse. It makes me very glad that we’re booked to go away, otherwise I’d be feeling like I had to agree, and I really wouldn’t want to. I’m also annoyed that the letter is addressed to the children – her note acknowledges in a way that there are potential problems with it, so why not communicate with me before the children?

How do I reply – I feel I’d like to ask her not to speak to the children before me in the future, but is it worth the hassle?

Sorry exmil we have plans for my birthday at that time.
No further explanation needed imo.

I’d email- got your invite for the kids, what a shame you didn’t give me more notice as we have plans.
Enjoy your party, ta ta for now 😏

I'd email and say just got your invite. What a pity we didn't get it sooner as we've already booked to go away.

Reply saying unfortunately it clashes with a holiday you have already booked. Say you didn't have any idea about a party as it hasn't been discussed with you.

And most certainly ask her not to speak to the children about events before she speaks to you. I had to ask my in-laws the same when they told our children they would fly them to their summer home to spend the summer with them..... they were 6 & 9 at the time and I was the bad guy for pointing out 1) they couldn't travel alone, 2) they didn't know grandparents well enough to spend whole summer there, 3) they didn't DISCUSS it with us before promising the children the earth!!

Just reply straight away saying, sorry we booked a holiday to Spain from 4-9 May or whatever.

I'd make the email bright and breezy.

"Oh, MIL, I'm so sorry you didn't let me know earlier. Unfortunately, that is my week with the children and we've already booked a holiday, so I'm afraid they won't be able to come.

I hope you have a lovely time at your party."

It will piss her off far more if you're nice about it.

Go breezy and brief...

ah mil, just got your letter to the kids, very kind of you to think of them, but we’re already booked to be away! Have a fabulous time though!
Then no more correspondence, don’t be drawn into anything

I too thought it was highly manipulative to send directly to the kids, and extremely presumptive. There are ways of organising things, and that wasn’t it.

Don’t worry about any fall out, if she’s not supportive of you to have behaved as she’s done now, that’s not going to change and if you’re already the bad guy, just roll with it...

I agree with everyone else: keep the tone bright and breezy, be brief, and ask her to run things by you first next time rather than speaking directly to your children. And then refuse to discuss it further when she kicks off, which she is bound to do.

Haven't read the first thread but it sounds like she's gone to quite a bit of trouble to arrange for the DC to be there. I'm not sure why she's being accused of taking the piss

I’ve not read the whole thread, but did you book a holiday knowing that there was a party? Is yours/gets a milestone? Tbh it doesn’t show you in a great light.

I just hope that when you are older and your Dil books a holiday on your birthday you don’t mind.

Just tell her you've booked to go away so cannot come. Why make an argument out of it when it isn´t needed?

Hi Mil,

We're away that weekend! What a pity, if only ex had let me know earlier - but maybe he doesn't know either as he would have been able to tell you that it's not his weekend - hence the holiday booking. Do keep me in the loop more next time - I will always be happy to discuss swaps for special occasions. We all hope you have a lovely time xx

Perhaps bunty and home you should try reading the full thread and/or the one before?

a party for adults? is she wanting dc there just to show them off

just reply sorry we're away maybe next year

got your invite for the kids, what a shame you didn’t give me more notice as we have plans.
Enjoy your party, ta ta for now

This is perfect. Don't spend any more energy or headspace on her.

I like Fizzy's email.
I might add in that the holiday's been "booked for some time".

You suspected that your ex had been told to tell you and that he forgot so this lets MIL know he hadn't mentioned it.

Really you shouldn't have learned some half-rumours about it from the children themselves. And it says you'll be be accommodating if they just ASK YOU in future. perfect

I had to do a little catch up.

I am so glad you’ve booked yourself a holiday.

Just a light/breezy email and job done.

I would simply say you will be abroad on holiday on that date.

She's managed it badly and will perhaps learn for future that she should come directly to you

I do think it was a little unfair of you to book the holiday though knowing it was a milestone birthday for her and there was a party. But as she sent a manipulative note to your kids I wouldn't feel too bad.

Everyone could have handled this better

Fizzys email is good.

I hope your future Dil treats you better than you deserve. You should be embarrassed and ashamed.

"Oh what a shame. The DC will be in Budapest on that date. Maybe they could see you on your birthday?"

I agree with other PP, light and breezy - job done!
Enjoy your holiday OP!

@homemenu1 why bother when you didn’t bother reading?