Follow up to booking a holiday when it's ex mil's birthday bash...how do I reply to her note?

[dragonator]

Some of you may remember my thread from last week:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3221102-To-deliberately-book-a-holiday-that-will-prevent-dc-going-to-ex-mils-birthday-extravaganza

The upshot was I booked the holiday and decided not to email mil (kept writing and deleting and didn't send it). Today a letter came addressed to the dc. I recognised the handwriting so opened it (they weren't here) and it contains an invitation for them. It turns out the party is a day later than they told me, so they would have been able to travel down the day after my birthday, but it would still have meant the holiday couldn't have gone ahead as the cheap flights were all the second half of the week. It states 'Daddy will be bringing you down by train on the Friday,' which is irritating as it's not her decision. It also states ‘You will be back at X Sunday evening,’ which is also annoying. Reference is also made to 30 light planes which will be flying people up, which also makes me very glad they aren’t going.

A note to me is also enclosed. I am informed that mil hopes the dc will come as they ‘will greatly enjoy the event,’ which they may or may not have done, and I find the tome strident. She then says that she has worked out it falls on ex’s weekend (it doesn’t as we have different arrangements in the holidays), but if not she hopes I ‘will be able to make adjustments.’ It’s one of those statements that sits uneasily between being an order and a request, veers more towards being an order, and it has really pissed me off. She then states they will be back in plenty of time for school and will be able to celebrate my birthday with me on the day.

The whole thing reads like she knows she’s taking the piss a bit but has decided to brazen it out and present me with reasons why I can’t refuse. It makes me very glad that we’re booked to go away, otherwise I’d be feeling like I had to agree, and I really wouldn’t want to. I’m also annoyed that the letter is addressed to the children – her note acknowledges in a way that there are potential problems with it, so why not communicate with me before the children?

How do I reply – I feel I’d like to ask her not to speak to the children before me in the future, but is it worth the hassle?

As others have said, just send her a breezy email thanking her for thinking of the kids but such a shame we’ve already booked to go away that weekend - did ex not tell you that our holiday arrangements are different to term-time? Oh dear, silly him! Have a wonderful celebration!

I watched the previous thread. I think you should go with other suggestions here, bright and breezy, such a shame I didn't know beforehand but we are away, have a lovely time etc etc.

No reply needed. Your ex can tell her they aren't going

InfiniteSheldon have you read the other thread?

For MIL to say "Daddy will be bringing you down" that implies your ex has arranged it with her? In which case he would have told her it isn't his weekend? So either she knows it isn't his weekend and is trying to bluff, or she hasn't discussed it with him either.

Regardless, she has given less than six weeks notice of wanting to switch weekends during school holidays, which isn't sufficient. You've booked a holiday and that's that. Just tell her it's your weekend and you've already booked a holiday. I wouldn't give her letter to DC either, in case they get upset about wanting to go.

As an aside, I'm about 30 planes ? Who's going to fly 30 planes, and how many guests are there that 30 planes are required?

I think save the comments on her behaviour to another time. If you add them now it will invite a conversation. For now you just need to close this one down.

So it was only a matter of days between the kids mentioning the party to the OP and stating that invitations would follow to invitations actually arriving ... So it's very hard to criticise the ex for not immediately raising the matter with you.

And it also turns out that the party isn't within OP's contact time. There's no formal contact order and the party doesn't clash with her birthday. In fact, it looks like the children's father and grandmother have deliberately tried to avoid OP's contact time.

OP - you've booked a party so your children can't attend a milestone party for their grandmother. You knew about the party but didn't care about upsetting your children and their grandmother. You booked it anyway. Mean, nasty and spiteful.

I hope OP's ex pursues a specific issues order and finds out the holiday (one of many the OP is taking this year) was booked once she knew about the party. Fingers crossed the judge will then find for the father.

I don't think it's odd for a grandparent to want their GC at a big birthday party. What she should have done is ask you in person, but maybe she thinks her ds has asked you.
Just answer her politely and say that it's a pity she didn't ask you first as you will be on holiday.

Presumably InfiniteSheldon the OP won’t be telling her future grandchildren they are coming to her party which is a week after her actual significant birthday at short notice during her future ex DIL’s contact time without discussing it in advance with her future ex DIL and without checking future ex DIL has no other plans with the future children already. In which case OP will be fine

It is and isn't in my contact time- they should be with me on my birthday but not as an isolated day, but for that half of the week. Tricky really, but as I said on the other thread contact is not really set in holidays.

I highly doubt for they've avoided my birthday. They've done it at a weekend, but the one nearest my birthday, not hers.

My DC aren't upset in the slightest.

I do think it’s weird that either OP’s ex or Ex MIL hasn’t just contacted the OP, as the adult, about arrangements for the party and check they are ok with her.

It’s the assumption that their attendance is a given without any thought to what plans Op might already have with them. I would tend to tell MiL and ex that the holiday was a surprise and so the children disnt know about it so no point liaising with the children over plans (which she shouldn’t be doing anyway) and that it’s best that she liaise Direct with you in future.

Of course If you’ve already told ex that you and the kids weren’t doing anything during the time you’ve booked your holiday, (and he informed his Mum of this when she was arranging her party) then you’re going to look like one prize bitch.

Also I think that generally a holiday trumps a birthday party which is just a few hours, if the holiday that OP is booked was booked a the most convenient time for Op.

So it was only a matter of days between the kids mentioning the party to the OP and stating that invitations would follow to invitations actually arriving ... So it's very hard to criticise the ex for not immediately raising the matter with you.

The party must have been booked long before DC heard about it though. It's a milestone birthday, MIL knew it was coming up, she's organised what sounds like a HUGE party, so I greatly doubt she's literally just booked it a few days ago. It must have been booked for ages and if she wanted DC there she should have contacted OP when she booked it.

Those lamenting the sad, undeserved fate of the poor MIL, suffering at the mercy of her scheming DIL, would please care to at least skim read the original thread?
Ffs!

I would also send a breezy message to decline

I don't tell the kids about holiday plans as they get too excited and nag for everything going

Bright breezey had a great party

Do you even need to reply? I'd wait until their father chased it up then just tell him they won't be able to come as they will be away on holiday.

I think you’ve been bitchy about the whole thing.
At the end of the day it’s your kids that will suffer.
All of their family will be attending there grandmothers party and will be talking about it. They will have photos etc that your children will now be left out of.

I think it’s really sad that you have put your children in this awkward position and just causing problems with the in laws that you don’t need to have.

No it’s manners to reply. Be brief bright and breezy but include in future please could you ask me first....have a lovely birthday

But it's important to have a clear we can't make it. It's more polite and leaves it on a more positive place to say "sorry & no" than drag it out with MIL not having a response, getting ex to chase, asking kids etc.

its not even her birthday day zampa its closer to ops birthday

Just reply saying they won't be able to make it as you're going on a family holiday at that time.
I don't think you can tell their grandmother she can't speak to the children without going through you first though. It's not like she's done anything bad, she's only invited them to her birthday party.

I think you’ve been bitchy about the whole thing.
At the end of the day it’s your kids that will suffer.

I think you need to read the other thread, user. The OP has dealt with this all very calmly and has been more than accommodating.

Respond:

Hi MiL,
Thanks so much for the lovely invite for the children to attend your birthday celebrations in X location on Y date. Unfortunately, due to the invites only arriving in the post today, I have to let you know that we already have plans for that weekend and will be away. Hope you have a wonderful time at your party. All the best, dragon.

I would say that unfortunately your already have prior unmovable plans. That during holidays the contact schedule changes and if she had let you know a month or so earlier it could of happened. Wish her a happy X birthday and that the children will see her then if that’s possible?

I don't think OP has been itchy

She has only half heard of a possible party that they may have been invited to at some point.

She wanted a holiday and booked one, it's only by chance the kids mentioned it - how many times have kids told you about a party and then aren't invited too?

It's half term - they are going on holiday you ant have everything