Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Follow up to booking a holiday when it's ex mil's birthday bash...how do I reply to her note?

140 replies

dragonator · 18/04/2018 17:40

Some of you may remember my thread from last week:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3221102-To-deliberately-book-a-holiday-that-will-prevent-dc-going-to-ex-mils-birthday-extravaganza

The upshot was I booked the holiday and decided not to email mil (kept writing and deleting and didn't send it). Today a letter came addressed to the dc. I recognised the handwriting so opened it Blush (they weren't here) and it contains an invitation for them. It turns out the party is a day later than they told me, so they would have been able to travel down the day after my birthday, but it would still have meant the holiday couldn't have gone ahead as the cheap flights were all the second half of the week. It states 'Daddy will be bringing you down by train on the Friday,' which is irritating as it's not her decision. It also states ‘You will be back at X Sunday evening,’ which is also annoying. Reference is also made to 30 light planes which will be flying people up, which also makes me very glad they aren’t going.

A note to me is also enclosed. I am informed that mil hopes the dc will come as they ‘will greatly enjoy the event,’ which they may or may not have done, and I find the tome strident. She then says that she has worked out it falls on ex’s weekend (it doesn’t as we have different arrangements in the holidays), but if not she hopes I ‘will be able to make adjustments.’ It’s one of those statements that sits uneasily between being an order and a request, veers more towards being an order, and it has really pissed me off. She then states they will be back in plenty of time for school and will be able to celebrate my birthday with me on the day.

The whole thing reads like she knows she’s taking the piss a bit but has decided to brazen it out and present me with reasons why I can’t refuse. It makes me very glad that we’re booked to go away, otherwise I’d be feeling like I had to agree, and I really wouldn’t want to. I’m also annoyed that the letter is addressed to the children – her note acknowledges in a way that there are potential problems with it, so why not communicate with me before the children?

How do I reply – I feel I’d like to ask her not to speak to the children before me in the future, but is it worth the hassle?

OP posts:
Tentomidnight · 19/04/2018 09:25

Ignore the haters OP.
I’d have done exactly the same thing. And I conpletely understand why your exMIL’s letter pissed you off. My MIL is manipulativr and demanding in the same manner, in fact she could have written that letter word for word; addressing every problem you could have with the party idea, one by one with a comeback, with an arch tone which presents the whole thing as a done deal. The fact that she told your DCs first, rather than sorting it with you, was also manipulative.

Where is your exDH in all this? She should have arranged it via him/you so you could agree contact arrangements in advance of her planning a daye for her party. She missed a trick there.

And, as an aside, I would not want my young DCs flying in a light aircraft at a social event, piloted by a hobbyist, either

Enjoy your well earned holiday Flowers

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 19/04/2018 09:31

YADNBU.

Even if OP had not booked the holiday yet, she had already planned it. Why should her plans come second? Why should the person who provides and cares for the DC not be allowed to enjoy planned holidays with them? Why should the children have to go to an event they will enjoy less? Why should OPs judgment about the DCs safety be overruled? Why should OP be the bigger person when her cheating, deadbeat ex can do as he pleases?

Fuck that.

KeneftYakimoski · 19/04/2018 09:35

As for the flying, the pilot would have a licence.

In the USA, general aviation has a higher death rate per mile than motorcycling. In the UK licensing is tighter, but aficionados of AAIB monthly bulletins will note that almost all of the accidents are in the general aviation sections.

I fly a reasonable amount by most people's standards (at least 50k miles per year), and my response to yesterday's South Western death was one of curiosity. There has been one death on a commercial plane in the US in the past ten years, the one that happened yesterday: that's pretty safe. I am in no way frightened of flying.

I personally would not fly in a single-engined aircraft for any reason short of being casevac'd. Your prospects in event of an engine failure are not good, and such failures are worryingly common. The holder of a PPL will not have had a simcheck on emergency drills ever, and can be flying only a few tens of hours per year. The maintenance standards of private planes are far lower than for commercial aircraft. If people want a hobby that's roughly as risky as motorcycling or climbing then fine: their lives, their pleasure. But I wouldn't join them, and I certainly wouldn't put my children into their toys.

That goes a fortiori for helicopters; I wouldn't fly in a single or multi-engine helicopter unless my life was already at risk: a gearbox failure is likely to result in the death of all on board, and again they are worryingly common.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 19/04/2018 09:56

Just a thought op - are you going abroad? Will you need to get permission from exh to go?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 19/04/2018 10:02

You know what, I’m all for OP being selfish.

Mums almost always put themselves at the bottom of the pile, always being ‘the bigger person’. Well you know what? OP’s DH still cheated, doesn’t financially support his children, and clearly lies to his own mother. Why does OP have to continuously just accept and roll over, at the detriment of her own happiness?

Every mum on this thread should sometimes put their own wants first.

QuarterMileAtATime · 19/04/2018 10:08

You had already planned the holiday, just hadn’t booked it. Just the fact that you were considering not booking it when you so need it, for the sake of your awful ex and his mother, means you are not awful, selfish and spiteful, as said upthread. You didn’t think “how can I get my kids out of this? I know, I’ll book a holiday” You just didn’t let their poorly communicated plans disrupt yours.

upwardSpiral · 19/04/2018 10:54

@DianaPrincessOfThemyscira

"Every mum on this thread should sometimes put their own wants first."

Perhaps, because they're only human. The hypothetical best is to think of the children first, of course ...

Original poster
dragonator · 19/04/2018 11:14

I've taken the dc abroad 3 times since we split and never been asked about ex's permission, though I always see it mentioned on here. I don't understand how the people at the airport would know we had split up??

OP posts:
Yarnswift · 19/04/2018 11:21

You don’t need to defend, explain or justify yourself. Your D.C. will have far more fun on the holiday.

Keep it short, keep it breezy: “ah sounds lovely! Will look forward to seeing the pictures. We’ve booked a week away so won’t be able to come, have fun!”

And tell me about these planes.... (no child of mine would be in a single engine aircraft doing multiple runs btw.)

Weezol · 19/04/2018 12:15

To all the 'ooh but MIL is old' people:

  1. The milestone birthday could feasibly be a 50th
  2. At what age exactly, does acting in a selfish and entitled way become acceptable?
  3. At what age will the awful people you have come across (at work, in shops, socially etc.) suddenly become lovely nanas that knit?

I'm interested because at the moment I exercise consideration and courtesy to others, even those I'm not keen on. I'd love to know on which birthday I can release the hounds and fuck the lot of them, while still expecting them to bring me cake and flowers.

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 19/04/2018 12:51

You never use children to send messages between adults. End of.

supercalifragilisticexpiali · 19/04/2018 12:55

Agree with drinkingwinefeelingfine. MIL knew what she was doing by asking the children.

TorchesTorches · 19/04/2018 13:29

I think you are right in what you have done OP.

Re the question about going on holiday, I travelled at xmas with the kids by myself, back to the Uk. DH had to work. I was asked at the airport passport office about ' where is the father'. I said he had to work and we were traveling by ourselves. He asked for the permission paperwork. I don't live in the UK, but in my country, we had permission forms you could download and have filled in by the non travelling parent, with a copy of their passport.

I didn't believe they would ask for the forms, but they did as its got a lot tighter over the last couple of years. This was travelling from mainland Europe to the UK. I was very glad I had a the paperwork.

Hortonlovesahoo · 19/04/2018 13:49

Ive been in the same position as @torchestorches and been asked for permission slips when I’ve travelled without DH. It’s pretty standard so I make sure that I have them. Out of the 5-6 times we’ve been alone, I’ve been asked 4 times. Mine has all been close destinations (Continental Europe) and mostly from heathrow/Gatwick.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2018 14:05

Well done OP. Don't justify yourself to a minority of posters who are clearly batshit.

Your mil sounds like a controlling cow to me. The letter addressed to the kids is low.

Glad you did what's best for the kids.

ItsNachoCheese · 19/04/2018 14:07

Send a postcard from your holiday Grin

UpSideDownBrain · 19/04/2018 14:14

I would reply to her saying thanks for the kind invitation but you are away on holiday that week with the DC so they won't be able to attend.

You don't have to say anything else to her.

Weezol · 19/04/2018 14:21

ItsNacho Now that is evil genius.

Sammy901 · 19/04/2018 17:07

Don’t justify yourself to all the idiots that think your being unreasonable!

Enjoy your holiday, your kids will have a better time anyway!

Have you messaged the ex mil yet? Wondering what her reply is?!

KeneftYakimoski · 19/04/2018 20:23

How many deaths have there been on UK-registered airlines in the past few years? None?

And just today, two more die in a light aircraft accident.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2018/apr/19/northern-ireland-light-aircraft-crash-co-antrim-belfast

Bumshkawahwah · 19/04/2018 21:01

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable. You’re not taking them away from their last ever meeting with their grandmother - it’s only a birthday party. Of course your MIL would want them there but things happen, plans clash.

I don’t get this idea that you should shelve your own needs and wants for someone else. Your MIL isn’t your priority - and your DH hasn’t even discussed it with you!

In your position, I’d probably feel the same - a bit awkward that I knew about the party before booking the holiday and knowing that I could have changed the plans and now have to lie a little. I still you you are very much in the right though.

Bumshkawahwah · 19/04/2018 21:02

Ex-DH, sorry.

emmyrose2000 · 20/04/2018 14:11

YANBU

SunwheretheFareyou · 20/04/2018 15:51

Op ignore the shits on the thread people either get these things or the they dont.

It’s one of those statements that sits uneasily between being an order and a request, veers more towards being an order, and it has really pissed me off. She then states they will be back in plenty of time for school and will be able to celebrate my birthday with me on the day

I too get this - its hideous and entititled and nasty.

Tentomidnight · 20/04/2018 18:03

Have you responded to your MIL yet OP?