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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Follow up to booking a holiday when it's ex mil's birthday bash...how do I reply to her note?

140 replies

dragonator · 18/04/2018 17:40

Some of you may remember my thread from last week:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3221102-To-deliberately-book-a-holiday-that-will-prevent-dc-going-to-ex-mils-birthday-extravaganza

The upshot was I booked the holiday and decided not to email mil (kept writing and deleting and didn't send it). Today a letter came addressed to the dc. I recognised the handwriting so opened it Blush (they weren't here) and it contains an invitation for them. It turns out the party is a day later than they told me, so they would have been able to travel down the day after my birthday, but it would still have meant the holiday couldn't have gone ahead as the cheap flights were all the second half of the week. It states 'Daddy will be bringing you down by train on the Friday,' which is irritating as it's not her decision. It also states ‘You will be back at X Sunday evening,’ which is also annoying. Reference is also made to 30 light planes which will be flying people up, which also makes me very glad they aren’t going.

A note to me is also enclosed. I am informed that mil hopes the dc will come as they ‘will greatly enjoy the event,’ which they may or may not have done, and I find the tome strident. She then says that she has worked out it falls on ex’s weekend (it doesn’t as we have different arrangements in the holidays), but if not she hopes I ‘will be able to make adjustments.’ It’s one of those statements that sits uneasily between being an order and a request, veers more towards being an order, and it has really pissed me off. She then states they will be back in plenty of time for school and will be able to celebrate my birthday with me on the day.

The whole thing reads like she knows she’s taking the piss a bit but has decided to brazen it out and present me with reasons why I can’t refuse. It makes me very glad that we’re booked to go away, otherwise I’d be feeling like I had to agree, and I really wouldn’t want to. I’m also annoyed that the letter is addressed to the children – her note acknowledges in a way that there are potential problems with it, so why not communicate with me before the children?

How do I reply – I feel I’d like to ask her not to speak to the children before me in the future, but is it worth the hassle?

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 19/04/2018 06:36

You asked if you were being unreasonable. I'm sorry you have had a difficult time, I really am, and you made this clear in your original post which I read as stated. But that doesn't change the fact that in this instance you were, IMO, unreasonable.

silverTIRFer · 19/04/2018 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
dragonator · 19/04/2018 06:45

Of course there're a lot of 'I's etc in my post - it's about me! But ok, take that as proof of who I am. Selfish is worse than spiteful, actually. Maybe some things I do could be considered spiteful, I don't know. I don't set out to be. But I know I'm not selfish. I'm normally bottom of the list.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 19/04/2018 06:46

I kind of thought you were BU. However, I know it's not supposed to be linked, and courts disagree etc, but quite honestly the fact you're a teacher (so more expensive hols) and he doesn't pay maintenance nor bother with looking after them much in the holidays makes me think fuck him - you get your pick of dates for affordable holidays and he can take what's left in that case. If his parents object to that they know who to take it up with. Inviting his own kids to a party with light planes when he doesn't pay for their upkeep and OP's a particularly selfish person? Nah.

silverTIRFer · 19/04/2018 06:55

"it's about me"

Yes. My point too.

Inertia · 19/04/2018 07:02

I agree with early responders -breezy response about it being a shame she didn't check with you earlier, it isn't Ex's contact time, and you've booked something immovable.

PalePinkSwan · 19/04/2018 07:03

I have reported those rude posts, there’s absolutely no need for the bitchiness from some posters.

FWIW OP, I’d have chosen the holiday too.

Toyboysrus · 19/04/2018 07:11

OP, as ex mil prefers to communicate with dc directly I would let them reply, "dear granny. Sorry we can't come to your birthday party. We are already going on holiday with mummy. We hope you have a nice time. Love dgc"

qwertyuiopy · 19/04/2018 07:12

No need to justify yourself. If you want to go on holiday with your children you can go when you like assuming access is ok. Will your ex make a fuss?

sonjadog · 19/04/2018 07:14

I read the other thread and I agree, you have been deliberately obstructive on this one and were unreasonable.

But it doesn't really matter now as the holiday is booked. As much as you would like to make things difficult for your MiL, I suggest that instead of looking for reasons to start a conflict with her now, you just let it go.

Narnia72 · 19/04/2018 07:15

OP I don't think you're selfish or spiteful. Just someone at the end of her tether who wants a nice break with her kids without having to deal with the crap dealt out by your ex's family.

I used to hate grown up relatives parties as a child - it would all be "come and perform for relatives" for 20 minutes, during which time we'd be scutinised and patronised, or commented on as if we couldn't hear, then expected to disappear and entertain ourselves. It was dad's family who tended to do this, mum also used to hate them.

I really don't think you've done anything terrible, just not bent over backwards to make sure everyone is ok before you.

If you turn it around, it was your mum's landmark birthday - think what you'd have done. And how your ex would have reacted and also whether people on here would have expected him to remember (a) your mum's birthday and (b) her age, and whether if you'd communicated all this solely through the kids whether people would have thought it was unreasonable that he go on holiday.

I think sometimes posters on here are guilty of falling into the trap of assuming this is women's work. It's women's work to remember all his family birthdays and plan round them, innit.

StylishMummy · 19/04/2018 07:18

@silverTIRFer what's offensive about that? It is a party for an elderly lady, who is a geriatric Confused

Just because you'd be happy for these kids to be paraded around in front of a load of strangers and potentially flown in a randomer's light aircraft, doesn't mean I would be.

silverTIRFer · 19/04/2018 07:25

"paraded around" is an invention based on nothing so I don't know why you and a few others have started using it as a point of fact.

I would be delighted for my children to spend time with their extended family. I used to love those occasions and am close, despite being geographically far, to all of them because of it.

As for the flying, the pilot would have a licence. I am in no position to judge his abilities but he will have a licence. It would be an amazing experience and would let and encourage it.

It is offensive because you mentioned it without it being necessary and there's something that seems quite sneery in the way I read it.

This black man walked into a cafe and started talking noisily ...

So, a woman driver reversed into me ...

A Muslim woman was rude on the bus ...

Do you understand?

silverTIRFer · 19/04/2018 07:26

A few typos. I blame my phone!

OliviaStabler · 19/04/2018 07:26

I'd go back and simply say:

Hi MIL,

Thanks for the invite but we have a holiday that is booked for that date so dc cannot attend. Enjoy the event!

OP

TreeClimbingMonkey · 19/04/2018 07:30

As is often said on wedding invite threads it is an invitation not a summons.

You don't ever bypass a parent and go directly to the children, ever. That goes for offering biscuits/chocolate, days out, holidays.

The resident parent is the OP, the MIL should have said she was looking to book her birthday and she would love the children to come and arranged it around OP's intended holiday.

You would have to be an idiot to not realise that teacher's holiday opportunities are fixed.

My lovely, sweet MIL accidentally bypassed me once. I watched her horror on her face when she realised what had come out of her mouth. She mouthed I am so sorry to me. But then again, her son is still married to me and lovely. It was an honest mistake.

OP enjoy your holiday, tell her you are already booked, very sorry. The end.

But I would recommend getting visitation more fixed for the children with their father and legally.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/04/2018 07:40

I'm firmly on your side here op, you were planning this holiday BEFORE you knew about the party.
Ok, so you hadn't actually booked where you were going, but it had been decided you were definitely going on holiday, just the finer details of exact location/hotel etc to be decided. Imo, that means holiday was already planned, they had had PLENTY of time to tell you about the party, which as you said must have actually been arranged some time ago, but didn't. Nobody to blame but them for making a bunch of assumptions and choosing to drop it on you last minute.

4seasons · 19/04/2018 07:46

I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Go on the holiday and enjoy it with your children.

Your ex is an unfaithful man, doesn’t want to financially support his children .... also sounds as if he is feckless about when and if he takes care of them . Not someone I personally would want to put myself out for. His mother might be a lovely person but bypassing her ex DIL about the party was at best an innocent gesture and at worst a manipulative and sly move. Either way it doesn’t mean that OP has to bend over backwards to please her. She may still be the children’s GP but she is also an EX-MIL whose son has not done right by his former wife or children. Why should OP tie herself in knots to facilitate her ?

To be totally honest even if a little spite was involved in the timing of the holiday booking I for one understand it. Difficult to always be the one to be selfless , put the children first etc. when their father doesn’t appear to equally troubled to do the same.

MrsExpo · 19/04/2018 07:57

I’m sorry OP but I think you are being very U over this having just read your other post. To me, it looks like your MiL has arranged the date of her party so that the kids can be with you for your birthday, as agreed with your ex, and then travel with him to attend her event afterwards. She may even have fixed her date specifically for that reason. The issue seems to be your pursuit of cheap flights to your destination and your insistence that they would have more fun with you on a cheap mini break, than with their father and extended family at mil’s event.

You say you went ahead and booked the trip anyway in spite of knowing about the birthday and are now using the booking as an excuse to tell MiL that the kids can’t be at her big bash. IMO that was really selfish and pretty spiteful of you. You could easily have been the bigger person about this, even if you didn’t like the “tone” of her letter.

You could have arranged to have spent the first half of the week, including your own birthday, with your kids and then sent them to mil’s with ex for her event. As it is, you’re putting your insistence on a cheap break to nowhere special above a big family event your kids might just have thoroughly enjoyed. It sounds like MiL is going to a lot of trouble and expense over the party. What a shame they’ll miss it just because you can’t be mature, flexible and generous for this one occasion.

LoveFaithSushy · 19/04/2018 08:12

Enjoy your holiday with your children op. I would do the same. Maybe add that the children can celebrate with them another time.

4seasons · 19/04/2018 08:17

Mmmm.... be “ mature, flexible and generous “.....be the “ bigger person”. In other words let other people’s plans/ needs / preferences ( delete as appropriate) take precedence over whatever you want to do . After all , you are only the person providing and caring for the children you and your ex produced. Being all these wonderful things ... bigger person , generous etc etc.... usually aimed at women .... generally means being the last one in line and being taken advantage of in my experience.

Ginger1982 · 19/04/2018 08:31

Presumably all of you who think the OP is being unreasonable think it's fine for her to be completely bypassed and messages, nay orders, be sent via the DCs? I find THAT very unreasonable and, quite frankly, not on.

OnTheRise · 19/04/2018 08:33

OP, please ignore everyone who is telling you you're being unreasonable.

I've followed your past thread and this, and think you've been good. You try to encourage your ex to have his children during the holidays, when usually he can't be bothered; you don't bad-mouth him to the children; you do all you can to make things work.

You've booked a holiday you'd had planned for some time.

If your MIL had told you about her party when she first planned it, this wouldn't have happened.

I would be very anxious about letting my children go up in tiny private planes, at a party where people were drinking--for this alone I'd have wanted to avoid them going to the party.

All is good.

Jael003 · 19/04/2018 08:57

You are not being unreasonable at all. Go on your holiday with the kids and have a wonderful time. It's not your responsibility to keep your holidays free for things that might come up with your ex's family. If he couldn't tell you about the party in plenty of time (or at all), then it's not your problem. The kids would probably have been bored silly anyway.

ladyvimes · 19/04/2018 09:07

Op I don’t think you’re spiteful or a nasty person at all. It sounds like your ex has put you through a lot and I can understand why this would make relationships with his family strained for you.
I just wanted to say that my parents split when I was a child due to my father’s infidelity and lies. I was never really bothered about seeing my dad but I would have loved to have had a relationship with my grandma. She never bothered and that hurt me so much as a child.