Follow up to booking a holiday when it's ex mil's birthday bash...how do I reply to her note?

[dragonator]

Some of you may remember my thread from last week:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3221102-To-deliberately-book-a-holiday-that-will-prevent-dc-going-to-ex-mils-birthday-extravaganza

The upshot was I booked the holiday and decided not to email mil (kept writing and deleting and didn't send it). Today a letter came addressed to the dc. I recognised the handwriting so opened it (they weren't here) and it contains an invitation for them. It turns out the party is a day later than they told me, so they would have been able to travel down the day after my birthday, but it would still have meant the holiday couldn't have gone ahead as the cheap flights were all the second half of the week. It states 'Daddy will be bringing you down by train on the Friday,' which is irritating as it's not her decision. It also states ‘You will be back at X Sunday evening,’ which is also annoying. Reference is also made to 30 light planes which will be flying people up, which also makes me very glad they aren’t going.

A note to me is also enclosed. I am informed that mil hopes the dc will come as they ‘will greatly enjoy the event,’ which they may or may not have done, and I find the tome strident. She then says that she has worked out it falls on ex’s weekend (it doesn’t as we have different arrangements in the holidays), but if not she hopes I ‘will be able to make adjustments.’ It’s one of those statements that sits uneasily between being an order and a request, veers more towards being an order, and it has really pissed me off. She then states they will be back in plenty of time for school and will be able to celebrate my birthday with me on the day.

The whole thing reads like she knows she’s taking the piss a bit but has decided to brazen it out and present me with reasons why I can’t refuse. It makes me very glad that we’re booked to go away, otherwise I’d be feeling like I had to agree, and I really wouldn’t want to. I’m also annoyed that the letter is addressed to the children – her note acknowledges in a way that there are potential problems with it, so why not communicate with me before the children?

How do I reply – I feel I’d like to ask her not to speak to the children before me in the future, but is it worth the hassle?

@TreeClimbingMonkey You don't ever bypass a parent and go directly to the children, ever. That goes for offering biscuits/chocolate, days out, holidays

Just wondering why you feel this, I agree but never heard it couched so firmly

@SunwheretheFareyou I mentioned my lovely caring MIL, I failed to mention my overbearing, domineering FIL who often ignored what I said regarding my children whilst I was right there which resulted in a brief no contact period.

I was the one who had to deal with all the toddler meltdowns when FIL went expressly against my wishes. I wasn't trying to be unkind or selfish but had a valid reason for stuff and FIL went straight to my child. MIL got it but he didn't. It wasn't even a no just a wait until after lunch.

We genuinely have a lovely relationship now.

OP have a lovely holiday, enjoy yourself.

OP you are completely justified in going away. When my in laws have big plans DH and his ex are contacted ages in advance and dates are arranged which work for everyone. If things are done last minute - which this party invite has been - then it is inevitable people won’t necessarily be able to make it.
Ex is still arsey about it any and all family get together (much to PILs irritation) but we all suck it up for the sake of DCs!

In case anyone wants an update, I have emailed ex-mil to the effect that I wish I had known sooner, but have unfortunately booked to take the dc away then, hope she has a lovely time etc etc. She has replied saying what a shame, but never mind etc etc. She has suggested the dc might like to visit her extended family in the party location over the summer, and I have agreed and suggested some convenient dates.

So, a very boring and civilised end to the matter. I suspect ex has caused this and was asked by ex-mil to tell me about the party ages ago but failed to do so. I suspects she thinks this too. I still think her message to me was quite rude, but then she probably hears shit about me from ex all the time, so perhaps went on the defensive. No doubt ex will send me a shitty text when he finds out the dc aren’t going to the party, but I really don’t care.

It is definitely worth checking about what paperwork you might need to travel with the kids, though. If he's pissed off, he may not be willing to sign it.

I will get him to write a letter. I honestly don't think he'll refuse - he's disorganised and a sulker, but I can't see him explaining to the dc that they can't go on holiday because he won't let them.

I don't want to offend anyone here, but how do authorities know if a parent is deceased and therefore unable to give permission to travel? As I said, I've never been asked, and my passport has a different surname from my dc. Obviously that doesn't mean I will never be asked, I know.

OP do you have the same surname as your children? If so it should not be an issue. My ex refuses to sign a letter giving me permission to travel with our dc. As I have a different surname to them I bring their birth certs and on one occasion the youngest was asked who i was, thankfully he said Mummy and not Rubble (he was heavily into pawpatrol)

You don't need permission unless travel is beyond 30 days

Good on you OP. Hope you have a great holiday. (And if it's my DC you teach that have put you in need of a holiday, sorry! And thank you!!)

Take the birth certificate so if questioned you can prove your mum. That's what I've been told to do as it was worrying me as I know my x would kick up a fuss and be a prick! X

The passport checkers are trained to ask the family group all together and see how they respond. So if they asked 'where's their dad' and you said he was dead I imagine your DC would look a bit shocked and give the game away but if that was the truth you'd all behave differently iyswim.

My DSC bio-mum always brings a letter when she takes them out of the country - she's never been asked about it, but I think it's very smart of her to do. Especially because they have a different surname to her and she's always the only adult traveling with them.

Sorry, that was a bit confusing - I meant she's always on her own when she takes them on holiday.

Just on the "what if their dad is dead" question - I've only been asked once when travelling with my DS, where his father is. When I said he died when DS was a baby, I was very brusquely asked where the death certificate was. I'd brought along DS's birth certificate but hadn't thought to bring late DH's death certificate!

I was rudely told of by the immigration official, but allowed through "just this once". It's ok - I don't plan on going back to Canada anytime soon!

I have travelled overseas with my DS dozens of time before and since then and never had a problem at any other time.

Gosh this has me thinking... DParents, DB & I are all British but due to Dad's work I grew up overseas. There must have been countless flights DB & I took with just mum and less frequently just Dad all over the place and never got asked a thing. Is it if the surname is different or just because people are more cautious than they were 30 years ago