To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

Where do you think the patriarchy comes from Itsu? It was never some abstract thing that descended on humanity? Humans created it

Men created it. And it suits a lot of them to have women toe the line that makes them feel important.

I don't agree that everything is down to social programming. Most things are, but I think there are instincts that go even deeper. Even if all our actions are due to social orogrsmming, where did that social programming come from and why? If human nature was different, we would have socially programmed ourselves differently and there would be an alternative spectrum of inequalities.

"Well no. It is just another area where you are incorrect about what constitutes equality"

Ok, so 6 months each or "you are incorrect."

Ok, so 6 months each or "you are incorrect."

Well it could be 4 months each of 5 months each. If the amount of time are different then they are not equal!

Well I just don't agree with that sorry.

I think you’re confusing the meanings of “equal” and “fair”, lemon

If human nature was different, we would have socially programmed ourselves differently and there would be an alternative spectrum of inequalities

We are gradually programming ourselves differently though. Since women stopped being weighed down by constantly being pregnant and giving birth things have changed greatly. It wasn't long ago that many people (some women as well as men) would have argued that biological differences between men and women meant women shouldn't be given the vote or allowed to own property or do a million and one other things.

Yes of course 5 is equal to 5 , but I'm saying I think that situation probably overrides women's interests in the name of equality.

Yes of course 5 is equal to 5 hmm, but I'm saying I think that situation probably overrides women's interests in the name of equality.

Maternity/paternity leave is for the sake of the baby rather than the parent. Regardless, I don't think it would override women's interests at all if parental leave could be shared equally and society expected it to be shared. Women would (hopefully) start to be treated equally in the workplace if that happened and there probably would no longer be a huge gender pay gap.

Yes we are gradually reprogramming ourselves, I agree. However, I believe that women are far more than mere victims of patriarchy. There are many ways in which women have, and still do, collude with and actively promote patriarchy, for very complex reasons, not all of which are unconscious.

well yes indeed - you took your husband's name for a start

I kept my name. I'm the last Merlypussedoff.

OH's name is a drama to spell (mine is too. Double barrelling it would've meant record-breaking length surname).

DC's have his name as a middle name.

Only ever been questioned at the airport when he has taken them through before me.

No so do not think there is a BIOLOGICAL reason why women change their names in marriage. Why do you repeatedly insist on framing things in overly simplistic terms? The reason women change their names is a culmination of a whole host of social and psychological factors, obviously.

Jam - yes I did, exactly.

However, I believe that women are far more than mere victims of patriarchy. There are many ways in which women have, and still do, collude with and actively promote patriarchy, for very complex reasons, not all of which are unconscious.

Some women have colluded in the past and present (as evidenced by some comments on this thread) which has slowed progress but certainly not all. Those that don't collude are the ones that change things.

Well I'm glad you think that your choice was promoting the patriarchy

The reason women change their names is a culmination of a whole host of social and psychological factors, obviously.

Or alternatively, it is just because they are the type of person who does what everyone else does without much thought. It's not very complex. They wouldn't change their surname if they lived in Spain, or any other country where women keep their surnames.

There are many actions that promote the patriarchy Jam, as I'm sure you are aware. For instance, when I had laser hair removal who was that for, myself or my husband? Who knows, but I wanted to do it and it's impossible to fully deconstruct why. Same with make up or wearing high heels - victim of the patriarchy or female self-expression - you decide? I think it's a combination of both in my case, but who can ever be sure? The important question for me is, would I actually be happier if my expression of myself as "feminine" was restricted? The answer is no, probably not. For this reason, I'd rather own my own motivations for my behaviour, rather than seeing myself as a victim of the patriarchy at every turn of life.

That's your choice, but why are you suggesting your choice of naming convention makes you more committed to your partner than those of us that didn't change our names?

Itsu - if I had to answer that question, I would have to write a thesis or something However, I'm sure if pushed, you could find evidence of how biological factors lead to psychological factors which lead to social factors and certain behaviours within those societies, yes. Lots of them, not just name changing.

*There don't have to be biological or physiological reasons Itsu. But seeing as you ask, the biological may well influence your psychology and make your more predisposed to certain behaviour patterns.

No so do not think there is a BIOLOGICAL reason why women change their names in marriage. Why do you repeatedly insist on framing things in overly simplistic terms?

Jam, as I have now tried to explain several times, name-changing meant something to us personally. I can't possibly comment on how other people feel or relate to each other.