To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

It doesn't matter whether you agree with NC or not, it is what it is.

And it is....... sexist.

Is it seriously being suggested that the issue of having to rechange your name should you divorce is something that makes these couples more entwined? Thank feck my marriage is held together by more than that!

You evidently didn't know that you wouldn't be 'stuck' with any particular name...

Yes I do know about Animal Farm and I can see why you would throw that at me. Its not really what I'm saying at all. You can find balance in a relationship even though you accept that you will not always need to match or imitate each other's behaviours. It's being able to accept and respect the differences, rather than always trying to blur them. Equality is not a competition and nobody needs to feel insecure or belittled if there is mutual respect.
I accept that some people don't see things that way and that's up to them, but there you go.

Do you not realise how offensive you are being to women who made a different choice from you though? You implied those couples are less strongly entwined just because they lack a shared name!

You can change your name as an when you like.

When I married young I changed my name, I wanted to. For me it was an attempt to distance myself from my childhood and family. A few years later I regretted it, so half changed it back. I say half because I have some ID in my married name and some ID in my old name. I am Mrs Married at the school and for things to do with the children, and Ms BirthName for work, publications etc. Sometimes I use both together ( no hyphen). My children have my name as a middle name but sometimes use them as dual surname as I do.

It's not a rigid thing. You are legally entitled to use both or either name as you like.

I never changed my name and has rarely caused confusion.

I have had cards addressed to Mrs DH's name initially from family but that stoped after the first year or two. I occasionally get called Mrs DH's name by teachers but that has improved as I think mum/ dad having different surnames is such much more common nowadays so they tend to check rather than assume.

Your Aunt's remark is really annoying. Did you set her straight?

You can find balance in a relationship even though you accept that you will not always need to match or imitate each other's behaviours.

In general, I would agree with that. However, I don't think that changing name on marriage has anything to do with finding a balance in a relationship. If things were equal men would be as likely to change their surnames as women, if the couple felt it to be important to have the same surname. There really is no reason for it to nearly always be the woman who changes her surname and people who do this are often just blinding following the crowd without thought.

"For the record, I didn't change my name, would not have entertained changing my name, and would give short shrift to any man that suggested I should change my name."

Jam - you follow that statement up with the obligatory, "but I would not judge anyone who did".Nevertheless, you obviously hold a very strong view on the matter and therefore an implicit perspective on those women who do NC.

This thread is about perspectives on NC. It does not come as any surprise to me that some people may see my choice to NC as anti-feminist, subjugating, backward, etc - parallels have even been drawn with slavery! I don't even disagree with any of this on one level, I just think factors that determine people's choices run deeper than that. By the same token, it can't really come as a surprise that some people in society might view not NC as slightly more non-committal than the alternative. That's what this thread is about. That is not my view particularly. It doesn't matter what my view is, but that perception is "out there" to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the people you mingle with.,

The women who have said hell would freeze over before they NC on marriage, obviously see their birth names as an important part of their identity. All I am saying is that it's exactly the same issue if you have to NC after a divorce - to some extent it's a redefining of your identity again because that is another aspect or layer that bound you to your husband and therefore another thing to extricate yourself from psychologically and emotionally.

That's not all you're saying. You referred to being stuck with a name after divorce and this is factually inaccurate.

Nevertheless, you obviously hold a very strong view on the matter and therefore an implicit perspective on those women who do NC.

Wow, you know what I am thinking better than I do myself?! To be clear, no I do not judge those who make a different choice from me. That is possible you know. I love marmite but that implies no judgement on those that don't.

Of course you can change your name back after a divorce, Paul. I admit I've never explored the practicalities if this. But it's also an emotionally-loaded thing to have to do, particularly if you hold anger or are devastated after the divorce.

I've been Mrs X for 15 years. It's an unusual name and non-British. People respond to me slightly differently perhaps as a result. This has now become "normal" to me and has affected the way I identify. And yes, I do feel it binds me to my husband in a way too. This name defines my adult life and I'm obviously a different person now to when I got married in my 20s. So yes, it would be a big deal to lose that name now. Far more significant than a piece of paper.

Ffs. Why do one bunch of women feel the need to question the lifestyle choices of others under the banner of feminism?

I have been living under the obvious misbelief that feminism was about promoting women's rights. Rights to live as they wish to live without any recourse to male approval in how they exercised those rights. Have I been wrong all these years? It appears so. Because we have yet again pages and pages on here of women with one view telling those of us that made a CHOICE , yes CHOICE !!! to change our names to those of our husbands have in some way subjugated ourselves.
There is no acceptance from this group that I , as a fully functioning adult women , with my own finances, home and job, could possibly have thought about this choice, considered my options and made the choice that suited me and I wanted to make.

The anti name change group on here are no better than the patriarchy of old. You are giving all of us who made the voluntary , informed decision to change, a verbal patronising pat on the head and telling us 'you poor misguided victims of male oppression- of course you THINK you know what you were doing - but you are misguided and unquestioning lemmings who need educating with our brand of feminist 'rules'...

I changed my name to my husbands for extremely sensible and logical reasons.

1. I had been married to someone from overseas for 18 yrs.

2 Itook his surname which was highly unusual in his culture because my maiden name was unpronounceable in his native tongue. (We lived in his home)

1. Upon divorce and remarriage I had three choices . Keep my former married name. - no thanks. Go back to maiden name. (Hadn't used it for 18 years and is not an attractive name - so much so that my brother changed to his wife's maiden name on marriage) or seeing as it was a new start in a new marriage - changed to new DH.

Can women please stop attacking other women for their choices please . I don't seem to be able to find any posts from women attacking those who made the choice to keep their birth surname on marriage. We seem to be able to accept your lifestyle choices. Give us the respect to make ours without patronising judgement on the error of our ways.

fontofnoknowledge - I absolutely agree with you - your name, your choice. There is a poster just above you though who has been suggesting that those of us who didn't change our names are less entwined as couples and less committed. The judgement seems to be going both ways sadly.

Glad you've finally corrected yourself limon. Would've been an idea to check out the practicalities you mention before venturing into psychobabble, but better late than never.

The anti name change group on here are no better than the patriarchy of old.

Don't be ridiculous. Nobody on this thread has prevented you from owning property once you marry, or from voting, or being allowed to choose who you marry, or from getting a legal abortion.

You appear to be confusing saying things you don't like with turning you into a chattel.

The utter hypocrisy on these threads astounds me. It's absolutely fine to say, "Not taking my husband's name allows me to feel like more of an equal in our marriage". It's been repeatedly stated in far stronger terms than that. Yet if I say, "Taking my husband's name makes me feel more connected / entwined with him," this is somehow a slur on the relationships of those who didn't NC! Totally ridiculous.

How did your husband’s identity change when he married you, lemon?

He was Mr Exoticname before and is Mr Exoticname now.

because it quite literally would erase my identity and history.

No it wouldn't literally erase your identity and history. It's your prerogative, however, to feel it would. I find that to be hyperbolic but that's just my opinion. I am mixed race - if I marry a man called Bob Smith and choose to adopt his surname I will not have lost my identity; I'll still be just as black, Arab and European as the day before I married him, and I'd still have all the qualifications and achievements I'd amassed prior to marrying him. Becoming Mrs Smith doesn't erase any of that.

Well ok Itsu, if you say so. Maybe I "subsumed my identity" in order to feel more connection with my husband then. Am I allowed to say that - it's partly true actually. Or is that a slur on those who didn't NC?

@Limoncell0
Why did your husband not want to feel a closer connection with you? Sounds one sided your relationship

itsbetter - He did feel honoured in the sense that I took his name and he saw it as a sign of commitment and connection. Again, that is NO slur on men who don't give a hoot about these things. I can only speak for us.

Relationships take many forms - there is no "right" way. Some people fall over themselves to break with traditional roles; some women and men feel more naturally-inclined towards more traditional roles; some women don't go for men at all. You can't tell people how they should or shouldn't feel. It's all fine!

That’s not what itsbetter asked.

Out of interest, did you ever consider not name changing?