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AIBU?

To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

589 replies

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 17:38

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

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jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:02

Titty, my in-laws do this. I think it's deliberate.

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theymademejoin · 18/04/2018 18:02

I got married 25 years ago and neither dh nor I changed our names. Kids have his surname with mine as a middle name.

I think it was actually more common then to keep your name than it is now. I'm always surprised by the number of young ones changing their names when they get married. If you had asked me then, I would have presumed changing your name would have been the exception by now.

Stroller15 · 18/04/2018 18:03

I have the same issue! Kept my surname for work reasons mainly and my husband had absolutely no issue with it. Family though, FGS can't get over it. I also don't use titles. It's just archaichly confusing!

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:03

I'm just going to totally ignore NewYearNewMe18, for fear my brain might implode...

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FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 18/04/2018 18:04

" If you don't want to be in the same family as everyone else, then that's your prerogative. "

they would still be in the same family, dont be ridiculous.

No i dont believe it is a 'Western woman' thing, In China women have always had their own names.

XiCi · 18/04/2018 18:05

It's so annoying. I can't believe the amount of people that said 'oh, I didn't know you were allowed to' in response to me telling them I hadn't changed my name

JustVent · 18/04/2018 18:06

“Feminist reasons”

Is funny, I’ve kept my maiden name yet not one person has ever questioned it.

Only on Mumsnet, eh?

This thread is the equivalent of begging for ‘likes’ on a Facebook status.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 18/04/2018 18:08

Is Spain a Western country? Enquiring minds want to know.

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:08

Doesn't occur to me to care that DCs take their DF's name, not mine. It meant more to DH, so it happened that way. I just don't really feel like I need a name in common to be my children's mother.

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VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 18:08

How much post do they send you for this to be such a huge issue?

I can't say it's something I've ever encountered. I can see how for example a school might just use the child's last name to refer to their parents in letters etc but I can't see further than that why anyone else cares.

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:10

I actually had that conversation today JustVent, and I do still get mail addressed to me with DH's surname. So, errr, this thread is about an actual thing that is happening to me. And I'm not on FB.

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FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 18/04/2018 18:10

Yes a lot of women have been brainwashed into thinking that changing their name is the law.

My brother got rreally really cross with me when i didnt change my name, and even crosser when i called my children that name too.

Thinking about it, he had been banging on about 'carrying on the family name' for years. We have a perfectly ordinary surname.

He actually said to me 'how dare you?'

SeriousChutzpah · 18/04/2018 18:10

It's a family name. If you don't want to be in the same family as everyone else, then that's your prerogative.

NewYear has comprehension difficulties. Perhaps it has not crossed his/her tiny mind that gasp the offspring of this family might have the names of both parents.

g1itterati · 18/04/2018 18:11

The only women I know who haven't changed their names are non-British or kept it for work purposes - e.g. They were Dr X and didn't want to confuse people by becoming Dr Y. But I'm 40 and I think it's changing for younger people?

It's a personal thing and nobody else's business. I would hate to have a different name to my DC - I would feel cut out in some way. I know DH would have been highly offended if I didn't want his name, but that's just us. I certainly have no issues with anyone who wants to call themselves anything!

FlyingElbows · 18/04/2018 18:12

It is a family name. It's their family name and I don't want it or need it. I've got a perfectly good name and I'm happy to keep it. Not only is it a perfectly good name but I am the last of my kind. So, as I don't want their name (they've been complete bastards to me), I only want their son, I'll just carry on as I am. All the junior Elbows have my name too. Minds. Blown. You wouldn't believe the unnecessary carry on people make if you keep your own name.

We are a tight unit, we don't all need the same label to be that.

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:12

Birthdays, Easter, Christmas. All cards addressed to 'Mr and Mrs DHSURNAME' or, worse, 'Mr and Mrs DHFIRSTNAME DHSURNAME'

So yes, it happens often. For nearly five years.

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jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:13

That's what I'm interested in, why would you feel 'cut out' by having a different name to DCs?!

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PotteringAlong · 18/04/2018 18:15

I tend to think of this as a mumsnet problem because, in real life, I don’t know anyone who didn’t change their name when they got married. Maybe it’s an age thing? A part of the country thing?

deadringer · 18/04/2018 18:16

My dds are all quite feminist so I was really surprised when this came up in conversation recently. They all said that they would take their husband's name if they get married. (No marriages on the horizon, none of them are even dating). The reason? It would be a nice thing to do. WTF have i gone wrong?

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:16

But I wasn't on Mumsnet when I married DH

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g1itterati · 18/04/2018 18:17

jam - well I can only speak for myself, but I'm the one who carried our DC. I'm the one who stayed home with them. So why should they get his name???

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:17

Because it's just a name.

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UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 18/04/2018 18:18

Everyone I know changed their name to their husbands name after getting married.

It saves a lot of bother. Unless you are some high-flyer like a doctor or a solicitor and so need it for professional purposes I don’t see any point in keeping your maiden name as it just causes confusion.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 18:19

This phenomenon is almost exclusively an occurrence on MN. No-one in RL gives much, if any, of a shit.

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 18:19

What's the 'bother' exactly?

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