To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

I just think it’s interesting that in real life it is those of us women who have not changed our names who get challenged, resisted, put down and judged.

Often by women who have chosen to change.

And yet it is we, by not changing our names, who are the positive forces for change! We are making things more equal for other women, whatever their choice.

Support us you name changers! We are helping you and your daughters!

All movements need to adapt to the times, to reassess and redefine themselves from time to time, Bertrand. What's relevant to women now, may be different to 50 years ago - even 15 years ago. If a movement is too dogmatic it's likely to engender a reaction against it which is counterproductive.

If feminism can't adapt and reassess itself within the context of the world we live in today, accepting huge variations between societies and that women are not a homogenous group, then it's at high risk of becoming sterile, defunct and alienating.

@bling totally agree.

Although I’d not put down a woman for name changing. I do often see an aggressive defense. A denial.

@limoncello Er no equality is equality. That is not a fashion trend.

“Telling women what they should do and presenting it as the silly women not understanding due to being uneducated, unenlightened, etc is patronising and really distasteful”

Why is not understanding something, or not having made a connection or not realizing something until it’s pointed out the same as being uneducated it unenlightened? Nobody knows everything!

Feelings over fact, Bertrand. We’ve had enough of experts. ;)

Why is not understanding something, or not having made a connection or not realizing something until it’s pointed out the same as being uneducated it unenlightened? Nobody knows everything!

When its you telling them they don't understand or don't realise, and they do understand but don't agree. Its' patronising and twatty

I didn't change my name either, Winter. I'm not sure what your point to me is (assuming it is to me)? Incidentally, aside from a few "how feminist of you" comments, it hasn't attracted any attention at all. I'm genuinely surprised that you are constantly questioned about it.

Titty, yes I am aware of that, and in practice one of the ways in which that manifests is having a degree of autonomy over my life choices eg what to call myself.

I have no issue with whatever people choose to do wrt their names, but I rail against some random on the internet telling me what I "should" do, whoever is saying it.

I've never heard of anyone changing from Dr to Mrs, unless she's become a Consultant Surgeon of course!

Actually, I have lost count of the christmas cards etc where DH and I are addressed as Dr and Mrs even though we are both "Dr". Whereas I don't generally care if people use the wrong surname it really really annoys me when people do that.

Ah, right. So telling someone they are wrong is better than telling them that they may not have completely understood. Got. It.

Sorry, Bertrand - I don't get your meaning? (If that was to me?)

The issues with feminism are harder because so many women don't see or understand the subjugation and the way in which the patriarchy affects them. So yes, many women choose to take their Dh name, knowing perfectly well it's not a particularly feminist decision, but do so anyway. But lots of others try to defend their choice without acknowledging the reality that the expectation that their identities need to be defined by men is a social construct created and maintained in a system that puts men ahead of women

100%. Perfectly put Bling

@brogue yes I really am constantly challenged. My point was I think in RL women who do change names are the ones supported, not judged, accepted, not challenged.

I really don’t think there are feminists everywhere telling women what to do. I do think it’s healthy and progressive to be provoked to think about what we do in our lives as women to either challenge patriarchy or to be more equal. That it positive and not dogmatic.

I live in an upper class conservative area, and also have a wide range of colleagues and friends. All are very resistant to anything remotely feminist or more equal tbh. Many from all classes and backgrounds. My more working class friends think I’m a feminist freak and say my husband must be a ‘pussy’! My upper class friends think it’s radical and distasteful. I actually try to hide it!

Well unfortunately people often don't get that the title Dr doesn't only refer to a medical doctor, so PhD graduates probably regularly have to cope with being referred to as Mr or Mrs. But I can imagine that would be very annoying.

Although not all people with PhDs are bothered about the title. My DM has a PhD, she got it in her 70s, but she never refers to herself as Dr Surname. She's always preferred to be called by her first name.

But people really should respect the wishes of the addressee on the letter and write their name in the way they request. That's common courtesy.

Winter see, those sort of responses would drive my nuts! I'm lucky that that hasn't been my experience and I do appreciate that. I actually agree with you - I posted because there were a couple of posts on this thread that I found quite patronising. Although not yours, or Bertrand's, or Titty's!

*me

Brogue- it is a fact that the traditions around marriage are rooted in the patriarchy and are misogynist. If a woman realizes that and decides to follow them anyway because she want to then she is making a free, but non feminist choice. If a woman does not realize that because she doesn't have the information, or has not ever thought about it or feels cobstrained by societal pressures then she cannot make a free and informed choice. It is not patronizing or twatty in the circumstances of a thread like this to point these things out, although it ma very well be in other contexts.

Admit to not having read the whole thread! It’s interesting our different experiences in RL.

I have actually sometimes regretted not changing my name as I’ve got so much stick about it. I worry my son will see me as a radical as he has my name! I also think it brands me to my DP and others as very independent and I don’t get as much help and support.

However I’ll never change my name now. I think it in a small way will make the world a fairer place.

I didn't change my name when I got married. It was my name and there was no need to change it.

I was married for 7 years before I had a baby, and I wanted them to have my mother in law's name because of the trauma around her being forced out of their country and into this one by the Nazis and the bravery and heritage her name represented to me and for them. We were as close as mother and daughter. I then slightly freaked when I realised seeing his little nametag in hospital that I would be forever having to prove this was my baby. Maybe that's daft. So I changed it then, to be recognised as my child's mother without any fuss. Just a practical thing.

I am no longer married to this man so have reverted to my name as the kids are older and I don't have the same need to prove these two grown men are mine anymore. In all I probably had the name for about 18 years.

It is a complicated thing when you are a family and people make assumptions.

I used to quite like the fact that I stood out as a non name changer before. And I am really happy to be back in my name now the hands on mothering is over. It was never about being married for me, it was about three generations being one unit for while. MIL is gone now and I'm glad I did it.

Today 14:31 BertrandRussell

Ah, right. So telling someone they are wrong is better than telling them that they may not have completely understood. Got. It.

Surely you just acknowledge that you disagree?

"Equality is equality. It's not a fashion trend."

Equality means different things to different people.

The irony of my mother in laws story was that when she was in Siberia in a prison camp as a 16 year old girl the camp commander said she shouldn't be there. Her father had died and her mother had remarried a man with lots of kids. Her mother took this man's name but left my MIL and her brother with their own fathers name. When the whole family were rounded up and taken away no one looked at the names of the kids, until this commander did in the camp, her name wasn't on the list of surnames for ethnic cleansing, it being a German name.

“Surely you just acknowledge that you disagree?”

Of course, when it’s a matter of opinion. Not when it’s a matter of fact.