To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

Yet if I say, "Taking my husband's name makes me feel more connected / entwined with him," this is somehow a slur on the relationships of those who didn't NC!

The thing is you didn't say that. You said that those of us who didn't change our names are less connected! One is about how a choice made you feel, and one is about telling other people what they feel!

I said I would feel less connected. There have been far more pps on here telling me how I should feel than the other way round - implicitly or explicitly. Anyway, so what? I have no idea how you feel - obviously!

No I did not consider not NC. Not because I was too dim to realise the symbolism of it (which is bloody obvious), but the because it's what I wanted to do on another level.

“.If anything, you are likely to think and act more like separate entities, I would say, and it's easier to split up with no consequences.”

This looks a lot like someone telling me how I feel rather than how the poster feel........

So you pick out that Bertrand. Should I pick out a few hundred quotes telling me that I am not enlightened, sibsumed or whatever? Does anyone take that back?

Sorry in dentist now

Absolutely ItsuAddict - changing your name makes it very hard for people to find (eg) your academic publication record, so pretty much does erase your identity professionally.

Women have never actually changed from Dr to Mrs. After all, a medical doctor would never do that so why would a woman with a PhD. They usually put Drs DH surname or Dr and Dr DH surname. Or she would retain her original name for professional purposes.

I've never heard of anyone changing from Dr to Mrs, unless she's become a Consultant Surgeon of course!

Limon your husband felt honoured by your name change and he showed respect for your father by informing him of the proposal. What did your husband do to equally honour and respect you?

Itsu I'm not sure you are au fait with the meaning of literally, but let's put that aside. As I said, it's your prerogative to hate the idea of losing your "ethnic identity and becoming just another Mrs Bob Smith." Conversely, there are many women who'd jump at the chance of becoming 'another' so-called Mrs Bob Smith, for all manner of reasons. If he was called Bob Dick, for example, I personally wouldn't change my name for all the tea in China; a perhaps juvenile reason but so be it. Another woman might want to become Mrs Smith because of an abusive childhood so wishes to relinquish any and all ties to her family. Equally, if keeping your name means that all your published work can be easily traced then go ahead and keep it. Horses for courses.

I haven't been following all of Limoncell0's posts but credit to her for persevering. I'm still of the opinion that no-one (or more specifically, me) gives a shit but we had that discussion about 11-pages ago.

Names and the extent to which we are entwined with them, in my own view, is personal. The idea that if I become Mrs Smith means I'd lose my identity or become his 'possession' is something I find rather bemusing. But I can and do appreciate that other women feel differently.

I won't brow-beat them into becoming 'enlightened' or consider them a sellout to the feminist cause. Because by doing so I would alienate her and make her perhaps more hostile to feminism and feminists.

And the poster who said her blood was boiling as men and boys are being sidelined, I can’t bring myself to have to state the obvious. It demonstrates to me yet again that feminism is linked to enlightenment, education and intellect.

Ok .

"revoltingly patronising" - if that's how you choose to interpret it then so be it. Your prerogative.

I feel very connected to my husband, despite the fact that we have different names. But, I must admit that I like the fact that keeping my name means that there was no "name admin" after getting married. And, it would be the same if we ever split up.

There was someone saying that men and boys are being sidelined. I don't think so. It's just to those that are so used to patriarchal system, seeing men and women both having the same rights socially to keep their names, seems like men are at a disadvantage. They are so used to the current system, where most women will change their names.

American - the things you mentioned above are, in fact, ways of him respecting me, but I know you won't see it like that and this is why people keep asking the same question.

Him being honoured that you took his name is his way of respecting you? I’d want something more substantial and practical than that

"It demonstrates to me yet again that feminism is linked to enlightenment, education and intellect"

Well let's hope so - as long as it doesn't mean you become dogmatic, intolerant and supercilious with it.

(Not saying you are, just a more general observation).

limon I hope I am dogmatic. Change isn’t brought about by equivocality.

Dogma will only get you so far. It won't get you all the way. There comes a point where it just reveals its own insecurity and limitations.

Saying that the traditions around marriage of asking the womN's father, name changing and so on are inherently non feminist is just plain fact. That is not to saythat doing them means you are not a feminist. But is does mean you have made non feminist choices. Which we all do sometimes.

The interesting thing is that the original post was about how much resistance and comments there are in RL if you KEEP your name as a woman.

This happens to me all the time.

The posters defending their ‘right’ to change the name miss the point. They are the ones who make judgements about people who do not. Yes even in your posts @limon I don’t think I’m any less bonded to my DP or my kids.

I really dislike women as a whole being told how to think and behave or have it implied or suggested or expected, whether that is by a man or another woman. I understood that feminism was about increasing autonomy. I am perfectly capable of recognising the context and factors that may influence my choices in life, but they are still my choices and I am happy that I can make them.

Telling women what they should do and presenting it as the silly women not understanding due to being uneducated, unenlightened, etc is patronising and really distasteful.

I understood that feminism was about increasing autonomy.

The technical definition is equality between men and women. Until it’s as common for men to change their names as women, or nobody changes their names, the situation is not in balance or equal.

Then why is it @brogur that I am faced with continued questioning about why I did not change my name? Every time I say my name, especially amongst women, I am asked ‘how did my husband feel.’ Etc

Why does every correspondence from the school say to Mr and Mrs DP? I have not changed my name.

Outside of MN. How many wives who have changed their names to their husbands ever get challenged like this?

Black people were (I believe) pretty unanimous in their rejection of slavey. As slaves, it was obvious that their individuality, rights, independence etc were completely removed as they could be bought, sold, beaten etc at will by the whites who owned them.

The issues with feminism are harder because so many women don't see or understand the subjugation and the way in which the patriarchy affects them. So yes, many women choose to take their Dh name, knowing perfectly well it's not a particularly feminist decision, but do so anyway. But lots of others try to defend their choice without acknowledging the reality that the expectation that their identities need to be defined by men is a social construct created and maintained in a system that puts men ahead of women.

I used to feel like we should all be able to make our choices and we should respect each other, and that's what feminism is about. But slowly, my thinking has changed. Because I'm not convinced that many of these women ARE making choices. They're going with the accepted status quo and finding reasons to justify it.