To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

Limoncell0 no one says you have to be a feminist. No one says you have to stand on the shoulders of feminists who came before and reap the benefits of their struggle.

This issue is about the bigger picture. Name changing is just one tradition that promotes the idea of women as chattels. I’ll not get started on the idea of asking the father for the daughters hand in marriage, or that concept of being given away by the father. It’s subtle but it’s continued social programming.

It has sexist overtones because of the judgement of other people. You can be a feminist and change your name on marriage. I wanted to be called the same as my next of kin and children so I changed to his original surname. Him changing to mine wouldn't be any better. Keeping mine wouldn't either. They're all from the same system. They'd just be different sexist.

No heate, it has sexist overtones because of the history of the custom. Women changing their names on marriage has chattel associations because that's what happened. It's not judging to say so.

And of course you can be a feminist and change your name on marriage. Take Shirley Williams, for example. Did quite a lot for women, I'd say. But then, pretty much nobody thinks that taking the more sexist option on one occasion, which taking your husband's name instead of keeping your own is, means you're not a feminist. Infinitely more time is spent rebutting that argument than rebutting it: at this point it's only a couple of degrees removed from being a strawman. Taking a man's name instead of keeping your woman's name is choosing patriarchy, but we all make our compromises with it.

My mother in law was cross that the children had my name. Especially as all her grandchildren were girls except mine, who were boys.

She said, ‘but now there is no one to carry on the family name!’

The irony! Ha ha.

Itsu - I don't know about being a possession - I think that era is long gone and irrelevant - but it's not necessarily a terrible thing to feel as though you "belong" to someone - within a trusted dynamic, of course. No need to feel diminished by that, necessarily. It depends what spin you put on it.

Bertrand - I think when it comes to men and women, there are more similarities than differences. But, on a very broad, brushstroke level, there are psychological and behavioural differences between the seces as a result of differences in hormones, sex drive, physicality, etc.

There must be because the patriarchy is a manifestation of male psychology, as is religion. If men were psychologically the same as women, the patriarchy wouldn't exist.

I still remember my fil cuddling dd when she was hours old and asking what her name was. I told him her first names- and he said- very tentatively “”I mean her full name”. The relief on his face when we told him she was hyphenated was incredibly sweet.......

I didn't keep my surname in order to be a "feminist". I kept it because changing your name seems like a stupid pointless thing to do. DH agreed as I think most men do in reality because few would ever consider changing their surname. I've been married for 20 years and still can't see why some women are so keen to change their name.

To answer your post in its simplest sense. 'Is it still to be considered ODD in 2018' ? Simple answer is yes in some areas in some demographics. I am from solid white middle class SE rural. Late 50s . Very 'odd'. Here. As in I don't know ANY one in Work (huge public sector area) amongst friends or colleagues who have kept their maiden name alone. I know 1 who has hyphenated. (Younger in early 40s).
Different age, different area probably not ODD at all.

I definitely have never felt 'owned'!! I like having my DH surname. I CHOSE to. I had that choice. I was fully in charge of my faculties. I wasn't coerced nor am I the type of person to follow the crowd. All women have the choice. Mine was to change to his.

Even though all our DC have their surname from DH, I basically chose all their first and middle names as he couldn't really think of anything, so just went with it.

Before he proposed to me he did go and see my dad, as well. I do totally see how that is sexist, of course, but I also understand his motivation as he wanted to introduce himself properly so they would trust him (we had not been together that long). I think he thought he should do the "right thing" to cover all bases!

Honestly that's why I didn't change my name in the first place either dungeon. I mean, why bother? The custom seemed almost comical in the 21st century, putting yourself through a faff for no reason. It's only in the years since then that I've fleshed it out a bit and realised what a good decision it was.

Well no because I wasn't proposing!

dungeon I believe it is part of the same conditioning that tells little girls they should aspire to be "Mrs xxxx" and to have a big shiny ring and to "be a princess for a day" and that the worst thing imaginable is to be "left on the shelf".

I agree although I often think it is often just a case of people blindly following the crowd without questioning whether it makes sense to do that.

You didn't think you should've got his parents take before accepting then limon? Seems very, bemusingly odd, but I'll admit DH and I knew each other's parents well before getting engaged. I'm lucky too that my dad would never countenance any sort of permission being asked and that's very obvious, so it's not a situation I'd ever need to have dealt with.

As in I don't know ANY one in Work (huge public sector area) amongst friends or colleagues who have kept their maiden name alone.

You probably wouldn't know though. It's not something I think about so wouldn't discuss with colleagues.I bet many of those who changed their surname assume I did the same. I'm in my 50s and also work in the public sector.

BertrandRussell do you know how to do the 'add an image and make a meme' thing?
Because that is a great summing up of the reasons behind OP's decision
Thank you

Why belittle women for enjoying all the trappings of a wedding though - being a "princess for the day" and the rings, etc. So what, if it makes some women happy? The fact that men don't do something, doesn't make it silly. If you enjoy something, own it.

Would life be better if we just all mumbled, "um, I suppose we could get married if you want" and then shuffled off to the most mundane of registry offices for the most basic of services in our most unisex clothes, to ensure equality was properly observed? Would everyone actually be happier if that was the norm, or would it be like sucking the joy out of life?

Now you’re being daft limoncello. My friend recently married her long term partner with whom she has a child purely for financial reasons and she had a wedding that I can only describe as a festival. A joint wedding actually. She wore red with a black fake stole. Opera singers, mariachi band, rock band, copious booze. Best wedding ever. Is not nams changing and her son is double barrelled. The marriage is a legal formality but my friend needs no excuse to throw an amazing party.

No he proposed because it's generally expected that men do that and to me that's ok. It's a special moment and hopefully a one off and something I'll always remember so I don't see a problem.

He wasn't discussing it beforehand with my dad, it was more about informing him.

Yes, big wedding does not automatically mean doing the princess schtick.

I find agree that a wedding can mean and be whatever you want it to. That's the whole point! No justification needed.

Does rather beg the question of why you set up the princess v 'mundane' registry office dichotomy..

No he proposed because it's generally expected that men do that and to me that's ok.

That is similar to changing your surname because it is the "expected" thing to do. Following the crowd like a lemming.