To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

" I just don't want to be looked down on as a worse feminist for changing my name."
You're not a worse feminist. You are a feminist who on this point has made a non feminist choice.

It comes across as though you are defending this continuing because you chose to do it. No one is berating you for making that choice.
I can't understand otherwise why you don't think in years to come it would be better for women if we started passing on female surnames? It will lose those connotations it has now.
Similar to how women used to be addressed as Mrs husband first name husband surname and now that is largely gone and it is better as a whole for women.

I do think MN feminism is a particular brand of feminism which is fair enough, but may be slightly alienating or unappealing to women in real life. Do people on here accept that it's ok to have some differences in the roles of men and women? Are differences in the "rules" as they apply to the sexes always a threat? Is tradition always a bad thing?

Do people on here accept that it's ok to have some differences in the roles of men and women?

I don't accept it at all. It's fine for couples to have different roles within a relationship but I don't accept that those roles should be based on whether someone is male or female.

"I do think MN feminism is a particular brand of feminism which is fair enough, but may be slightly alienating or unappealing to women in real life."

Nope. Just feminism.

I do think MN feminism is a particular brand of feminism which is fair enough, but may be slightly alienating or unappealing to women in real life

again, the women on MN also exist in Real Life. What confuses you so about that?

I think a lot of women see feminism as promoting freedom of choice - recognising that, in reality, what women want is complex and contradictory. Trying to tell women what they should want is problematic and only promotes more insecurity.

I'm. It telling women wht they should want. I am saying that there are feminist choices and non feminist choices, and the important thing is to be sure you know why you are making one or the other.

in reality, what women want is complex and contradictory. Sure it is.

"in reality, what women want is complex and contradictory"

Of course. And some of what some women want is not feminist. It's not compulsory to be a feminist or to always make feminist choices.
Until My GloriousReign, of course. When it will be

Keep your name and give your kids your name too.
I gave my fella the option to take my name or we big change but no way I was going to have a different name from my kids. Or take a man's name.

Yes I understand that Bertrand, but do you think the choices deemed "feminist" on here will actually make women happier?

Even if we end up with exactly the same choices as men, will that actually suit us in all areas?

My MIL STILL addresses her letters to us as 'Mr and Mrs DH first name, DH middle initial and DH surname. I always think, 'I do have my own identity separate from DH!' Grrrrr!!

"Yes I understand that Bertrand, but do you think the choices deemed "feminist" on here will actually make women happier?"
Gosh- big question. Yes- I think they will. Because being free and equal has to be better than the opposite, surely?

I think freedom only comes when equality can accept that there are some differences between male and female psychology and behaviour patterns. To ignore this is just to stifle women in another way. We don't need to be the same to be equal and we should assume equality on our own terms, not try and match men to be credible.

It's far harder for men to have the option to escape negative connotations to a birth name.

It’s really not. My neighbour has taken his wife’s name because he didn’t want his family associated with his feckless father. Why is that any harder than if his wife had taken his name?

"It's far harder for men to have the option to escape negative connotations to a birth name"
Not forgetting the 20 quid and a form option. Available to anyone over the age of 18z

Itsu - do you really think I must feel like a chattel to my husband?

"I think freedom only comes when equality can accept that there are some differences between male and female psychology and behaviour patterns"
Can you give some examples? I'm not disagreeing with you-but I feel very strongly that even if those differences exist, men and women should only act on them if they make a free choice to. Not because they are constrained by law or societal experience rations.

And we couldn't t feel more like a family unit even though I have my name, he has his name and the children have their name.

"Itsu - do you really think I must feel like a chattel to my husband?"

I'm sure you don't. But if you have taken his name, you are upholding a tradition that meant exactly that. As an extreme example, slaves used to have their names taken away and replaced with the names of their owners. That sounds utterly awful, doesn't it? Their identity obliterated........