To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

Limon, you are ignoring the fact that one is ^your birth name*, which you have in most cases used your whole life. It takes a lot of casuistical jiggery-pokery to make that name be in any way equivalent to a name you arbitrarily adopt depending on who you married, based on a set of anachronistic ideas about female ownerships being transferred between men.

My first name is only my first name because my parents chose it. I did not ask DH to choose me a new one when we got married.

Why didn't you give your son both your surnames? Why is your husbands name more important?

@Limoncell0
We have to start somewhere. If all women stopped changing their names now then passed on names would come from women. It's defeatist to say oh I might as well change because it's my dads name.

It is your birth name, but at the expense of your mothers original surname, so not patriarchy free. You did not have a clean slate which was sexism free at birth.

Good point about your achievements, it depends on circumstances, e.g. fame or notable success in a particular field. However, I have changed my name and am still able to see my achievements as mine. I didn't identify them with my original surname. But then I am not particularly successful or famous - I'm not well known for my surname.

is also discarding a lifetime of achievement It isn't really. A name doesn't define your essential self.
Maria Salomea Skłodowska changed her name when she married but she's one of the most famous women in history.

True, it is is defeatist. I do feel defeated by the patriarchy! But I don't think the alternative of having different names to my children is any better. There is no good alternative.

But I don't think the alternative of having different names to my children is any better. There is no good alternative.

Give children your name, there is an alternative.

In most of the families I know even where the mother kept her original surname (maiden name ) the children have the fathers surname. Maybe that's just my sample of acquaintances?

Perhaps if we had a matriarchal society and it was the woman's name that was passed down, then I would see keeping my original surname as a feminist choice.

Boy oh boy, this is really depressing. I feel downtrodden now. What with the Belfast trial and repeal the 8th and trans activists. It's like we need a new radical wave of feminism. Women now in the workplace, but with lower pay and still doing all the 'wife work'. There's still so far to go.

Giving my children my dads surname as opposed to my mums is not totally sexism free.

Giving the whole family a new name is the only non sexist alternative. But, In my circle of acquaintances that would just be very radical and odd.

Yes my previous name was "my name" in the sense I had to be called something. However, to me it's just a question of whether you are a "child of the patriarchal naming tradition" (if you can call it that) or a "wife of the patriarchal naming system".

Either way, it's exactly the same system.

At least taking my husband's name had some element of choice in it, as opposed to being "born into" my father's name.

As a child I identified as being part of my birth family unit. Now I identify as being part of my own family unit. I share the same name as my next of kin.

I kept my name and my own parents were so shocked. They asked "is it legal to do that?"

I kept my name because like bertrand says I had achieved everything with my name, even my professional life is linked to my name. So, why would I make things awkward and difficult and change it?

I still get letters to Mrs DHSurname and Mrs DHFirstNameSurname. It's a pain in the arse to be honest. I didn't change my name on social media, so why do people assume that I changed my surname.

I long for the time when people assume that you keep your name. Even the most feminist women I know have changed their surnames. I know very few people personally who have kept their names.

I so totally agree with you limoncello!

The other thing is my husband's name is often misspelled and mispronounced - even though it's a Scottish surname, people just don't get it right. My name is also Scottish, but it's really easy. Even he uses my name for restaurant bookings and similar, because he says it's just easier. There's not a lot of positives for taking his name.

However, to me it's just a question of whether you are a "child of the patriarchal naming tradition" (if you can call it that) or a "wife of the patriarchal naming system".

Surely the major difference though is that none of us have any say in the name we're given at birth, whereas upon marrying we make an active decision to keep our name or change our name.

You shouldn't change your name in those circumstances strada, but as a really feminist option - you probably should have before career success. But that is obviously a very radical step very few take.

It's only madonna and Cher aren't dominated by the patriarchy.

It is strange op.

I had s very unusual sir name and at the time was glad to ditch it for my dhs very very common one

However I have a sister and only girl cousins and our name is so rare it’s now gone from the country. My dad and brother were the only ones in the country in the old phone book (anyone remember those)

If I knew what I know now I would have kept it and dh would have changed

Sure Vexatious, but either way, the patriarchal naming system has got you!

Unless you inherited your mother's name of course.

@itsbetterthanabox: I gave DC DH's surname for two reasons:

1. He had been brought up to assume his children would have his name. I hadn't. He cared more than I did. On some level, I'd like my DC to have my name, but I didn't care enough.
2. I had already spent two years arguing with people about why I hadn't taken DH' name. I couldn't face further arguments (yes, that makes me weak, I get that).

Similarly, Dh actually suggested that we do one child for each name or perhaps give any boys his name and girls mine. But again, while I liked the idea, I didn't have it in me to have to argue with people about it. One battle at a time for me I think. [DD personality is very much like my family. which makes us all laugh and leads to hilarious discussions about the Loving women, who have something of a reputation...! . DH is not-so-secretly hoping she'll WANT to change to my surname when she's older. He's made it clear he'd support her on that!]

Vex - yes it is. But your're swapping one patriarchal naming convention for another. You're already called a sexist name that you didn't have any choice about, through your mum and dads decisions.

There isn't any non-sexist option available to a woman in our society re names on marriage: as I explained upthread, both changing to a new name isn't it because the reality is that women changing names on marriage has a connotation and a history. You cannot wish that away, much as I respect any attempt to do something less patriarchal than continue chattel era naming customs.

There are, however options that are less sexist than others. Keeping one's own name is one of them. It is not the same thing as taking your husband's (or husband's forebears name) because your name is your own, and while it is probable that most of our lines are male, this is not the same as taking a name that you are definitely getting from a man. They are two different things. This is a fact.

In terms of respect for other women's choices, this gets mentioned a lot, frequently in threads when nobody has suggested that women's right to choose should be restricted. I'm always interested to hear what this actually means? Is it being conflated with support for a woman's right to choose, or does it mean that the woman concerned thinks her choice shouldn't be commented on? I'm a strong supporter of an adult's right to choose the name they want, so I'd never want to ban women from engaging in patriarchal and sexist naming customs. I view that as an assault on personal liberties. I'm also going to call namechanging what it is, because it has a direct and detrimental effect on me.

After all, women who do change their names make it harder for me to have my choice, which is to not change my name and have that be easily understandable, not worthy of comment or people making up laws to say what I've done is illegal. Because if we all did it, none of these things would be an issue for women keeping their own names. Fortunately for me, I only require respect for my right to choose, not the choice itself, as I'm not one who thinks everything a woman does is intrinsically feminist because woman. But it's vitally important to make the distinction.

This reminds me of a course in gender studies I did at uni where the lecturer said she became really conscious of whether she had long or short hair as in how much she was playing into expectations of femininity.
I have short hair so will let myself off for the name-change then
Interestingly a friend from Pakistan explained to me that women keep their own name on marriage there. So maybe it’s not actually a feminist practice (extrapolating from everything else I hear about life there and making sweeping generalisations which I am happy to be corrected on if they are inaccurate).
I also have to say if I had kept my own name on marriage there is no way my DCs would have been given only DH’s name unless he managed to actually give birth to them.

Sure Vexatious, but either way, the patriarchal naming system has got you!

Well as someone else has already said, we have to start somewhere. I'm not going to limply take a man's name because 'oh well, the patriarchy have already pulled a number on us women'.

Vex - yes it is. But your're swapping one patriarchal naming convention for another. You're already called a sexist name that you didn't have any choice about, through your mum and dads decisions.

See above

But you're only starting somewhere if you change to a totally different name. Otherwise you're just perpetuating historical sexism,