To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

My experience IRL is that the women changing their name are unaware of the roots of the tradition. Those that are have not or would not change their name

I know you've qualified this by saying it's your experience, but it bothers me, this "well if you actually knew anything about this you'd have done something else" approach.

I'm not stupid or ignorant. I know the roots of the tradition. I made a conscious choice in spite of the roots to change my name regardless. Just as I made a conscious choice to marry at all knowing that a number of feminists believe that marriage itself can never be a feminist institution. Just as I made a conscious choice to take my full whack of maternity leave and to be the parent who reduced their hours in the first year of returning to work after maternity leave, knowing that there have been and are feminists who argue against this. Just as I make a conscious choice to shave my legs and wear makeup and heels when it suits me, despite knowing that many feminist thinkers abhor such practices and regard them as inherently anti feminist. Christ, even the choices I make regarding my sex life, which I have no interest in going into any detail on here, have been criticised by feminists- but I still make those choices. And on and on and on.

If someone wants to criticise, even aggressively so, my choices, they can- I'll likely completely disagree with their PoV but I won't (usually) be offended by it, and I won't argue that they have no right to do it. I am very, very offended by any insinuation that when my choices are not ones someone else approves of and when my priorities are not the same as someone else's, it is simply because I am ignorant. I will not accept that patronising dismissal.

I thought you had immigration these days trinity!

We do but we're not in the UK :p

Loads of women in Ireland keep their names too you know.

Vexatious I actually am insulted by your comment. And no, we waited until were were married to have a child. We;re just"traditional" I guess. If you wanted to take your argument to the extreme - why should your children have either of your last names? You could be Mr Orange, Ms Yellow and Master/Miss Blue. I think if you all have the same name it's lovely.

This reminds me of a course in gender studies I did at uni where the lecturer said she became really conscious of whether she had long or short hair as in how much she was playing into expectations of femininity. I think I've got to that stage, like arggggh no choice is free of the patriarchy so fuck it.

Loads of women in Ireland keep their names too you know.

Are you talking to me? If so yes that was my original point I think wires are getting crossed somewhere in this exchange

Vex...i think alot of people say things on here they wouldnt in real life. I seriously dont know anyone whos married who hasnt changed their name.

I don't know many people who didn't change their name on getting married either, but I think it's more common now than it was when my friends and I were getting married.

I do have a few friends who double barrelled though, which I think sounds great. I wouldn't do it because I don't want to use my old name (long story not for this thread).

Where my DDs are concerned, they're very proud of their adoptive family name so I think they might well want to keep it, and I would very much encourage that.

242 posts grin Well maybe they do on here. I'm impressed by the Pankhurst women who don't change their name on marriage but that's about it.

Vexatious I actually am insulted by your comment. And no, we waited until were were married to have a child. We;re just"traditional" I guess.

I guess you are.

Only on mn do people not change their name

I obviously only exist on mn then. You obviously don't know many educated women if you think it is "odd". Having said that, maybe you do know women who kept their maiden name but you have never realised. Many colleagues and acquaintances know my surname but don't necessarily know that of DH or my children. Therefore they wouldn't know that they do not have the same surname.

The main thing is respecting other women's choices

This. This is what feminism is to me.
I took DHs surname. Because I love his family more than my own, I feel more like one of them than I feel like one of my own. And I was quite happy to ditch my father's surname (who I no longer speak to) in favour of my husband's.
However, I completely support other womens choices. Double barrel it, don't, do what makes you happy and stuff everyone else.

Do people still read The Women's Room? A bit old fashioned, but still the best account of that "Shit, the patriarchy is everything" feeling I've ever .

Itsu, I completely understand your viewpoint. In your case there are further things to take into account. In your shoes I think I would have kept my original surname.

Well if you want to change your name "because of patriarchal tradition" then, as a pp said, it's a free country. 70% of women do.

Social change is in constant flux and perspectives are not static. So now that women take the vote for granted, we may feel we can make more of a point by abstaining from voting. Where once women fought for equal access to the workplace, now they may want more time back to focus on their families. We are not in the medieval times anymore - if women want to acknowledge or respect their husband by taking his name, they can do so without feeling they are "backward". There are a full spectrum of relationships and people are at liberty to do whatever their instincts lead them to do. Surely progress means choice?

Do people still read The Women's Room? A bit old fashioned, but still the best account of that "Shit, the patriarchy is everything" feeling I've ever

I just googled it and there's a TV film version of that, I might give it a watch tonight as I have the TV to myself

What is The Women's Room?

You're just keeping one mans name in favor of another's.

Most people are closer to their dads than FILs. Why change the former's name to latter?

Because of your husband who is then your next of kin when you get married. So if I keep my dads surname am I saying I'm closer to my dad than my dh?

See it's impossible to escape it being sexist without everyone starting from scratch with a new system where people are given a surname at birth.

It could be like original surnames came from in the past like I could be mrs cherryhill because I live on a hill with a cherry tree, and dh would be mr cherryhill and children kid cherryhill. Then when they have kids they would have to choose a family name again, it could be their job, like mr and mrs teacher. But what about when people get divorced / remarried have blended families. Then that wouldn't work. Perhaps everyone should choose their own surname at 18 and stick with that. Surnames are becoming meaningless in my mind.

So if I keep my dads surname am I saying I'm closer to my dad than my dh? - No, I'm saying it's your own name - no matter where it originally came from.

But it's only my own name because it was my dads.

Otherwise it's just any old word.

Katharina - yes you are essentially exchanging a name you inherited from your father to a name you're inheriting from your FIL.
The point is, neither are matriarchal names.
I find it impossible to understand how people can have such strong views about not wanting to change their name, without any similar strength of feeling about how their own name was inherited in the first place. Because it's the same thing!

I agree that my name was my father's. But it is also mine. And absolutely everything I have done all my life is in that name. So to take a husband's name, while technically exchanging one name for another, is also discarding a lifetime of achievement.