To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

I too kept my maiden name and FFS ... I get cheques I can't cash (non existent name), get accused of making it complicated (WTF nothing actually changed) get correspondence to a wide variety of names and titles (the sodding bank still persists in calling me miss) and the inevitable double-barrelling.

My immediate family DH, DC can cope with the fact that I have a different surname to them so why the fuck can no-one else in our families / wider world get their heads around this

On occasion I wish I hadn't bothered but then I remind myself that I would be called Mrs DH Surname which just reminds me of my MIL

All adults have the right to change their name once they are 18 in the UK, for free, so unless a woman marries on her 18th birthday, she's chosen to continue using her name.

My husband was brought up in this society but has taken my name. Men choose continue with sexist traditions. It's not just down to us. I wouldn't have married a man who wanted me to take his name. That tells me a lot about the kind of man he is.

It's not less sexist to keep your original surname. You are then not called the same as your next as kin. I don't see why I should give birth to kids only for them to be called a different name to me. It's just different sexist.

I have my mums surname btw.
But even if it were my dads we have to start somewhere. The argument it's your dads name is so ridiculous!

Box, but that's your dads name. You could both have taken your mums name on marriage. Not saying that it's not sexist to take your husbands name on marriage, it obviously is. It's just, to me, the alternatives are just different sexist not less sexist.

@heateallthebuns
Children take your name? Or double barrel kids? Or he takes your name and so do kids?
You having different name to kids is not the only option.

I know a fair few women who chose to keep their surname on marriage. Every single one of them agreed for their children to take their husband's surname. Surely that's the greater issue here?!

Their surname dies with them. They are the end of the line. Battle lost IMO.

Heat
We do both have my mums name. My surname is my mums name not my dads name.
My husband took my name

"I don't see why I should give birth to kids only for them to be called a different name to me. It's just different sexist."
Why are you assuming that the children will have their father's name?

But in all likelihood your mum had your grandads or some other male ancestors name. There is no way to escape a patriarchal naming system in our society. You are just perpetuating previous sexist actions unless you get rid of your original surname make a new one, and pass the new one onto your children. Which no one does that I know of.

@Wobbleheady
Agreed.
Even weirder when only the woman double barrels and the husband doesn't and the kids get his name.
Double barrel them all!

@heateallthebuns
I did address that earlier in the thread.
Your argument is defeatist.
We have to start somewhere. If women start keeping their own names and passing them on now then in generations to come then it'll be the norm and no longer have be a sexist tradition.

I'm not assuming that I give them the fathers name. Just observing what women who haven't changed their name generally do. I could call them my original surname - that's the alternative, but I already feel that comes from a patriarchal base so it's no better. I always come back to a new surname for the couple and kids being the only non sexist option.

It's my name. Does not matter whom it belonged to initially - it's mine just as much as DH's name is his. I also inherited my eyes from my dad, they are still mine.

Totally understand your sentiment re kids names heateallthebuns, and would 100% support you giving the child your name in any way, or double barrelling.

You are quite right that there's no way to escape a patriarchal naming system in our society though, a point I have made myself several times. Fucking patriarchy gets everywhere, and this is why a woman can make a sexist choice and still be a feminist. Cos otherwise nobody would be a feminist really. This does not impact on the fact that some decisions, such as swapping your own name for one that you have definitely only got because of a man, are more patriarchal than others.

If women change their name at 18 and then pass that onto their kids that would be where to start with a clean slate. Just keeping the name that your mum changed to when she got married is sexist too. Similar to when Cassius clay changed to Mohammed Ali.

Women changing their name has sexist undertones though.... You will not make those go away by saying it's a clean slate.

The fact is that a woman who turns 18 in this country and keeps the name her parents gave her is using a name she has chosen for herself. She is making a choice to not change.

If you get divorced and go travelling it’s definitely more practical to have the same name as your children.

Is it? I've never been married and DS has his dad's last name. We've travelled to several European countries and it's never been an issue. I sometimes get exP to write a letter saying he is aware DS is leaving the country blah blah blah but it's not a formal letter and has never been requested.

Do people really have problems travelling with their kids if they have different names?

Maybe women who had difficult relationships with their own father are glad if the opportunity to free themselves from being "stamped" with his name?

I think this probably happens a lot, to be honest. It's far harder for men to have the option to escape negative connotations to a birth name.

I do however, take the point about starting somewhere. All I can say is my name was not important enough to my identity for me to need to hold into it. I associated it with my dad mainly. Instead, I wanted to share my husband's name because he is more important to me going forward. Probably it was partly social conditioning, but partly because it felt like a positive, special and personal thing to do. I don't think I need to go into any more self-analysis about it than that. Nor do I need to justify the way I feel about my husband and vice versa.

As for my decision affecting the social perception of cases where women don't want to name change, well there's not much I can do about that. I could say, your decision to not name-change makes me look increasingly traditional - not a lot you can do about that either!

It has sexist overtones because of the judgement of other people. You can be a feminist and change your name on marriage. I wanted to be called the same as my next of kin and children so I changed to his original surname. Him changing to mine wouldn't be any better. Keeping mine wouldn't either. They're all from the same system. They'd just be different sexist.

"I know a fair few women who chose to keep their surname on marriage. Every single one of them agreed for their children to take their husband's surname. Surely that's the greater issue here?!"

Exactly!

She would have to change to a new surname at 18 to be free of sexism. That would be a sexism free 'starting from somewhere'. Saying that some surname choices are less sexist than others is just judging other women for not being good enough feminists. All are sexist.

As it happens I loved my dad very much, albeit my surname was a bit ugly. One of my children has a first name named after my dad.

@heateallthebuns
Why would him taking your name not be any less sexist?
Or you both double barrelling and double barrelling any children?
We have to start somewhere.

To start somewhere you'd have to have a name not inherited down a patriarchal line.