Is 40 too late ?

[Onthewrongsideof30]

AIBU to think waiting to having a baby until 40 is an option?
Currently 37, DH 44. Fit active non smokers etc, etc been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years - no luck. Been for fertility tests - no known issues with DH or myself. But the emotional roller coaster of being disappointed every month is driving me crazy and causing me and DH to fight. IVF not an option to us right now. I want to shove it on the back burner and just enjoy my lovely life. Focus on my relationship with DH, enjoy our beautiful home, enjoy my career and achieve some fitness goals and re address again in 3 years or would that be foolish ?

maybe wait till 40 if it naturally happens, then you can try IVF.

Bear in mind that it is likely to be even more difficult at 40 if you have already been trying 2 years, sadly it gets harder over time. Is it an option to forget deliberately trying e.g. not look at calendar or when you are ovulating, focus on all those lovely things and just carry on without using contraception and if it happens, it happens?

Sorry but I think that's foolish. It may be much much harder in 3 years.

If you haven’t conceived in the last 2 years what makes you think you will in 3 years? Even if you are fit and active. Our fertility starts to drop of quite rapidly from 30, yes people are waiting longer and conceiving but it does just get harder and harder the older you get. Will IVF be an option in 3 years?

IVF has higher odds the earlier you start, and there is a cut off point of... 41 with the NHS? (I think. Not sure. But there is a cut off point and it is not long after 40.)

If you have been trying for two years and you think you would be prepared to try IVF, I would go for it now.

To be honest, if you're struggling to conceive now I can't see how things will have miraculously changed by the time you are 40. Are you ruling out IVF because of the cost?

Yanbu as its your choice and your body and your lives but what will have actually changed in 3 years time?

How 'essential' is having a baby to your overall happiness?

If it doesn't happen in a few years time will you be devastated?

I conceived without any problems at 42 - but that is my experience and may not be yours.

I would certainly have a break for at least six months to take the pressure off - can you just not use contraception but not make any 'conscious' effort to conceive - IYSWIM?

We don't qualify for IVF on the nhs (we don't live in the uk) and DH is reluctant as it tore apart his brothers marriage. I just need to try and focus on something else for a bit. AF is due tomorrow and I'm already upset at the prospect...... need to give myself a break. Push for a big promotion at work and plan a big holiday!

Imo if you know you definitely want a child then you don't have time to waste. You're 37 with a history of fertility issues and it will only become more difficult to conceive as you get older, plus you could pass the cut-off for NHS funded IVF. If you want to wait till 40 then you have to be ready to accept that you might never have a child.

Does it have to be one or the other?

Can you just take the pressure off, enjoy your lovely life, have lots of lovely sex, and give it a year before thinking about IVF?

Waiting 3 years is probably too long. I understand the stress and upset of trying to concieve and the strain it can put on a relationship.
I would give yourself 6 months to a year, work on your relationship plan date nites, a holiday and have some fun. Set some short term fitness goals. Who knows it may happen naturally if you stop trying and relax.

No it doesn't need to one or the other ..... keen to keep having lots of lovely sex. But more to just see what happens and not focus on it.

Give yourself a break by all means but short of a miracle then waiting 3 years to conceive knowing you currently have unexplained fertility issues might just be delaying the heartbreak.

Have you tried any other fertility drugs? We struggled to conceive dc1 and there were no obvious issues...I was prescribed clomid and conceived the 1st month...dcs 2&3 were also clomid babies...it didn’t work for dc4 but conceived her in the end with no assistance at 40!

I’m also abroad..

I k kW this sounds unhelpful but it may actually be stress. My aunt and uncle had a similar problem. Nothing wrong with either of them but they just couldn't conceive. Literally the month after they decided to stop trying and look at adoption she got pregnant. I'd you are 'to willing to try ivf then I think you should just accept that you are unlikely to have your own children and start planning for an adoption.

Exactly what monsti said, we had the same experience with dc1. Have you tried clomid? If not, highly recommended.

Yanbu to have a break from babymaking, but echoing others, a 3 year break is foolish at that age unless you’ll move onto adoption options.

Cant you just continue to not use contraception but stop making TTC a "thing"?

I sympathise about the pressure on a relationship,
it was a miserable 2 years and neither of us look back on the pressure to copulate with any fondness.

As a mother who did have their children at 37 and 40, I subsequently realised (by meeting other families and so on) quite how fortunate we were to achieve this with no issues.

If having a child is important to you, then waiting until you are 40 is not going to help.

What is clomid ......

I think give yourself a break and focus on enjoying your life with your husband. It is miserable to keep trying to conceive and being disappointed each month. Emotionally it is absolutely exhausting. I know firsthand.

Ok just googled it. Might be calling my gyn. In the morning !

This is not to say that you might not have issues moving forward or need IVF or look at other options but do take the pressure off for at least 6 months

I fully sympathIse with your situation though if it is very important to you I would not wait. If Ivf is not an option yet, can you see your GP and possibly try clomid as a starter.

Maybe stop ‘trying’ but keep practicing?

Remove the pressure and you may be pleasantly surprised.