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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is 40 too late ?

127 replies

Onthewrongsideof30 · 17/04/2018 10:19

AIBU to think waiting to having a baby until 40 is an option?
Currently 37, DH 44. Fit active non smokers etc, etc been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years - no luck. Been for fertility tests - no known issues with DH or myself. But the emotional roller coaster of being disappointed every month is driving me crazy and causing me and DH to fight. IVF not an option to us right now. I want to shove it on the back burner and just enjoy my lovely life. Focus on my relationship with DH, enjoy our beautiful home, enjoy my career and achieve some fitness goals and re address again in 3 years or would that be foolish ?

OP posts:
waterrat · 17/04/2018 14:03

OP you need to sit and really talk about long term fall out of choices with your Dh. He says he doesn't want IVF - does that mean he accepts he won't have children? Has he considered that may have as big an impact on you mentally as IVF? Yes IVF is a slog and deeply challenging - but if it's the only way you get a baby isn't that something you need to consider?

Waiting 3 years is not a good plan. Take a holiday for 3 months - don't 'try' - and I think you have to decide if you want kids - then it may be IVF is the path to that. Would you resent him if in 5 years its over and no kids - wishing you had tried before the IVF stops working?

Annonymiss123 · 17/04/2018 14:04

I know someone who has just had her first baby, aged 47. Smile

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2018 14:09

It might also be worth trying to come to terms with the fact that you might never having biological children.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2018 14:11

For all the 'I had a baby when I stopped thinking about it' stories, or the 'My neighbour's best friend's aunt had a baby naturally at 50' there are a ton of women that just never could conceive. We don't talk much about those women because it's not a happy ever after story.

SparklesandBubbles · 17/04/2018 14:33

I think you are sensible to take the pressure off - but I wouldn't put a timing on it. My DH and I were trying for a little while after we got married and trying for a baby all became too much pressure and to be frank boring - as we only really had sex when I knew I would be ovulating. The disappointment each month was horrible. Our lives became a bit obsessed with my monthly cycle. Anyway we discussed it and decided to not focus on making it happen - we just let nature take its course and didn't use any contraception. I decided to look for a new job and took on some out of work volunteering for a sport I love. Within 2 months I was pregnant (I was 38 at the time). I'm sure it was because both of us relaxed. Good luck!

Original poster
Onthewrongsideof30 · 17/04/2018 22:13

Agree with everyone really and thank you all for taking time to reply. We have a big trip planned for September and then I'm keen for a Christmas beach break too. So think I'll get through winter and re asses in the spring. Thanks for all the reading tips. Think I'll wait a couple of months before ordering.

OP posts:
Sevendown · 17/04/2018 22:22

Are you tracking your ovulation?

Are you having sex at the time of ovulation, having orgasms and staying lying down for a while afterwards?

Original poster
Onthewrongsideof30 · 17/04/2018 22:32

Yes,yes and have only just started doing that !

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 17/04/2018 22:53

Sorry - but from bitter experience I agree with most pp. Fertility tends to decline (obviously it’s an average) from 35 then steeply after 38. If it’s really important to you to have a baby then don’t take too long a break from ttc.

It may be that after a break though you and your DH decide you have other priorities in your lives and relationship and are content to be childfree. Friends of mine have reached that decision rather than proceed with ivf and are happy a decade later.

brogueish · 17/04/2018 23:15

OK. We had about 5 years of TTC, fertility issues inc early losses, both early to mid 30s and basically healthy. Clomid, acupuncture, supplements, ovulation tracking, etc did not help. Private consultant said no point trying ivf as my reserves and hormone levels meant it was not likely to work or stick. Gave up, grieved, made other life plans, moved on and after some time we were both genuinely happy with our life as it was. Last year at 41 I unexpectedly became pg. Currently 32 weeks along with a very wriggly boy, so it can work out. However you can never take fertility for granted.

I absolutely believe that stress can affect ovulation and therefore fertility. Honestly, given how long you've been trying, why not plan for a life without children and enjoy living that life to the full, and if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, you're living a great life anyway. (In our case, I started the Masters I'd been putting off and DH took a leap of faith with an amazing new job). Best of luck to you.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/04/2018 11:07

Just wanted to balance the 'we relaxed and then it happened' anecdotes with a different one. A friend of mine was mid-30s and didn't manage to conceive. Doctor kept fobbing them off with 'Ah it will happen, just relax.'
I finally nagged them into changing doctors. New one took a look at the test results and said that if they had come to her a year ago, they would have had good chances with IVF. But now things have changed (something about hormone levels). And despite several years of trying, including attempts abroad, they are and will remain childless.

If you have issues, start sooner rather than later.

Oysterbabe · 18/04/2018 11:17

Honestly I think you'd be crazy to do this, unless you think you would cope ok if children never happen for you.

CackleCrackle · 18/04/2018 11:38

i agree katharina, I also don't think you can just relax if a baby is something you really want.

You can't force yourself to relax to achieve a goal, it's oxymoronic. We put off going for help seriously for a year due to the just relax people, fortunately we got away with it.

Maybe there is a point to being relaxed, who knows? Forcing yourself to relax is near impossible.

FluctuatNecMergitur · 18/04/2018 11:42

Also, use ovulation tests to pinpojnt when you need to shag.

SerenDippitty · 18/04/2018 12:09

If you are ttc the longer you go without success the less you actually feel like shagging. One of nature's nasty little jokes.

Uniglo18 · 18/04/2018 12:53

I git one of these fertility monitors which showed me when I was most fertile & that's when we ttc. It didn't feel like a chore and I conceived on the second attempt. It could be that you're ttc at the wrong time, you need to concentrate your efforts at your most fertile period.

It would also be worth having some acupuncture and chiropractic work done just to get your bodies to its optimum condition. Relax, have holidays, chill out and look after yourself; sometimes if you try too hard it doesn't happen.

Kintan · 18/04/2018 13:00

I know this is only anecdotal, but the people I know who have conceived naturally aged 40+ already had a child/children. I don’t know of any first time mother’s in their 40s that didn’t have IVF. If I were you I would take a break for a year maximum if you need some time out from TTC. Any longer then you are risking missing the boat.

HesterShaw · 18/04/2018 13:01

Unexplained infertility doesn't mean there's nothing wrong, it just means they don't know what it is with the tests they have done. Trying ivf withut knowing what the issue is lessens the odds even further, especially the older you are.

Been there, done that, no baby

SerenDippitty · 18/04/2018 13:11

Quite @Hester unexplained infertility is still infertility.

Trooperslane2 · 18/04/2018 13:25

the my auntie's granny's best mates brothers sisters uncle were successful when they went to Maui for 3 weeks STILL makes my blood boil.

Fuck off with the "just relax and it will happen". That is NOT what happens in the vast majority of times.

Agree acupuncture and counselling was a big help and I would recommend it. Also a hypnotist qualified in hypnofertility will at least get you relaxed and reframing your thinking even though some people think it's snake oil

OP.... we tried beginning 32. Many, many miscarriages. Tried every trick in the book. Started IVF at 37 (?) - again, unexplained infertility.

It's is as hard as fuck and though my experience isn't THAT usual, if you are in any was serious about having a baby, DH needs to change his mind.

Sorry to be so blunt. We were on the NHS waiting list for ages and then got our appointment with the hospital when I was 10 weeks pregnant with DD.

We found £20k for 4 cycles fuck knows how- divine intervention or witchcraft

Finally, it worked and it did challenge our relationship - of course it did! But we love her and can't imagine her not being with us.

I've also resigned from a very well paying job which is incompatible with family life (and I earned x2 what DH does) to go back to study to help with this. I don't regret it for a second.

Summary: work out how important/how much of a deal breaker this is for you and if necessary, walk away and do it yourself.

Again, sorry to be so blunt but some of the posters here Just. Have. No. Idea.

twinkledag · 18/04/2018 13:49

Well said @Trooperslane2 and congratulations on your DD Thanks

Trooperslane2 · 18/04/2018 13:55

twinkle thank you Flowers

It's been a hard road, but we got there in the end.

I scares the holy shit out of me when people trot out platitudes - we listened to them too and we just about got there. Any later - I'm really not sure it would have been a happy out come for us.

I was 25 weeks pregnant on my 40th birthday and it had been the best part of a decade for us. Frightens me when I think about it.

twinkledag · 18/04/2018 13:59

Gosh you've had it tough Thanks

I'm just getting over an IVF miscarriage, my 5th transfer. Luckily I have a DS conceived via IVF 4 years ago. But god it's so hard.

twinkledag · 18/04/2018 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinkledag · 18/04/2018 13:59

Gosh you've had it tough Thanks

I'm just getting over an IVF miscarriage, my 5th transfer. Luckily I have a DS conceived via IVF 4 years ago. But god it's so hard.

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