Is 40 too late ?

[Onthewrongsideof30]

AIBU to think waiting to having a baby until 40 is an option?
Currently 37, DH 44. Fit active non smokers etc, etc been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years - no luck. Been for fertility tests - no known issues with DH or myself. But the emotional roller coaster of being disappointed every month is driving me crazy and causing me and DH to fight. IVF not an option to us right now. I want to shove it on the back burner and just enjoy my lovely life. Focus on my relationship with DH, enjoy our beautiful home, enjoy my career and achieve some fitness goals and re address again in 3 years or would that be foolish ?

I know this sounds a bit daft but are you actually having sex at the right time of the month ? Also I swear by putting your bum in the air after sex for as long as you can. May sound crazy but it's worked for quite a few people I know who were struggling to conceive .

Oh god the people with tips like 'relax and it'll happen' and 'have you tried OPKs' those really aren't helpful things to say to someone struggling with infertility. I know this and I haven't even been through it.

Get cracking OP. Give yourself a month off then give it everything you've got.

I'm only 29 and have 2 years of TTC under my belt following an ectopic pegnancy resulting in fallopian tube removal. Lots of people have said how young I am, how much time I have, not to stress, to just relax, not to worry about getting tested yet etc. Fortunately I didn't listen to them, as having been referred for IVF I've just found out that as well as a missing tube, and a potentially dodgy remaining tube, I have AMH levels of 3.7 indicating poor ovarian reserve. That level is in the mid range of what they would expect for a 40 year old. I am fit, slim, healthy and active, with no health problems, outside of fertility issues. I need to get cracking, I don't have time to waste and there is a strong likelihood IVF won't be successful. That's the reality. It's not a silver bullet when all the other options are exhausted.

If you're worried about the effects of TTC or not, IVF or not, on your mental health or your marriage, think about getting counselling specifically with someone who is used to counselling couples going through fertility struggles. Hopefully they can help you think through some of your feelings and help you and your DH communicate about what is a priority.

If you decide to stop trying to conceive for a significant period of time, and there's nothing wrong with making that decision, only do it if you are prepared for that to mean that you may not have your own biological children.

I really hope you can find a way to come to a decision with your partner that you both feel comfortable with now and in the future.

Just want to clarify that my post absolutely was not "relax and it'll happen" and I'm sorry if it came across like that. I completely agree that's shit advice (but I still believe that stress can adversely affect fertility).

The point I was making is that we worked on reframing our thinking and finding joy in a life without children, otherwise quite honestly one or both of us would have lost our mind. Becoming pg for us was a happy bonus. I am not suggesting this approach as a "cure" for infertility, but frankly it kept me sane.

There's a great book called Fertile Thinking which may help - it's basically techniques for coping with the stress of infertility, navigating the difficult choices, reducing damage to your relationship and generally staying yourself through the hell that is infertility.

I was your age when I went through IVF, OP. We'd had all the tests and my infertility was 'unexplained' too. But then when it came to the egg collection, I had just one egg and that was immature, and it didn't become an embryo. So there was no transfer. They told me I had a 1-5% chance of producing a healthy baby through IVF.

So that was that, but at least we had a clear answer and we chose to go down the road of adoption. We have 2 gorgeous DDs now. But at least I know that we had a go and there are no what ifs, IYSWIM? That's always been important to me.

But I definitely don't think it's a good idea to wait until you're 40. Because if it doesn't happen you'll always wonder whether it would have been successful if you'd tried it earlier, I would have anyway.

Good luck whatever you decide.

There isn't actually any hard evidence that state of mind has anything to do with persistent infertility. The one study that appeared to show a link has been shown to be flawed. Unfortunately people desperate to conceive are vulnerable and there is money to be made from persuading them that they can think themselves pregnant.

My mum's friend conceived just shy of 39 and her H was in his 40s. It can be done - don't lose hope just yet, OP!

I thought the legs in the air thing was hokum?!

If you've been trying more than a year don't wait, get investigations started asap.

Things will worsen the older you get, also the risks become greater.

Have you tried the NTNP method? I’ve found it highly reliable. I strongly believe not putting pressure on yourself to TTC helps enormously (when no fertility issues have been found of course.)

If you want a break then that is fine but it doesn’t have to be three years long, surely?

Fertility treatment takes weeks. My memory is fading now (thank god) but I think you’d be doing well to have more than 3 goes in one year assuming you can even afford this. The website fertility friends is (was) a huge resource of information and support. Worth a look there as the number of posters with direct experience is huge.

Success with IVF after 40 is virtually impossible. It worked first time with me at 37 (DS born when 38) much to Consultant’s surprise, no eggs second time and 3 embryos with no success 3rd time. Seriously, if you want a child, don’t waste time.

You would be mad to put it off for three years if you have have trying to conceive for two without success.

I see you have just googled clomid and are considering a chat with your DR. Has your DH been tested? Are you peri menopausal? There are treatments and tests you can do before jumping straight to IVF. But if you arenseruous about having a child you need to switch up the heat and not put it on the back burner.

Hey OP, sorry you are going through this. Know exactly how you feel. We tried for five years (from age 40 - 45) before we had our son through IVF. It’s a horrible emotional (and physical) rollercoaster and very depressing. I can understand you wanting a break but like the others have said I really wouldn’t wait 3 years. We ended up doing IVF through a fantastic clinic in Czech Republic - after two failed cycles in our home country (NZ), first cycle, first transfer in CR worked. Am happy for you to message me if you want details - or just google them - Reprofit International in Brno. Can’t recommend them highly enough. Good luck :-) x

@RosyPrimroseface who knows? It worked for me and I just thought well gravity innit? But could be coincidence/nonsense. Still it's free and convenient so worth a crack

Sorry wrong poster I meant @jamoncrumpets

"Success with IVF after 40 is virtually impossible."

"Virtually impossible" is very exaggerated. However, the odds do drop a lot after 40!

The OP should try IVF now, and either get a baby or get closure on the issue. If it all ends in nothing but she her DP know they did whatever they could and have no regrets, they can then get on with planning fun-filled childfree lives without any lingering "what-ifs...?" in the back of their heads.

Thank you for all the try ivf now posts. I am sure you can all appreciate it's a little more complex than that, add into the equation that it's $10-15k per go. Much as the decision isn't solely driven by money, that could quickly snowball after more than one round. Seeing as it might be virtually impossible to convince, with or without assistance. I've requested a copy of both our results when we saw a specialist and I'm seeking some 3rd party advice.

I'm all for legs in the air! Think you meant to @ the poster above me.

I'm most concerned that OP hasn't really looked into investigations. It's not IVF straight away - there could potentially be years of referrals and tests, hysterosalpingogram, bloods, blah blah. Everything has to be done on a certain day of the month so you can have cycle after cycle of waiting around. Then clomid, then iui, etc. Who knows it might be a male factor issue and no choice but to go straight to donor sperm?

I feel like speed is of the essence here. Get the ball rolling OP.

I'm very at the news today that Rachel Weizc is pregnant at 48. While it's lovely for them, it's very unlikely indeed that Rachel didn't conceive using donor eggs and IVF, and if celebs are constantly getting pregnant in this way in their mid to late 40s and producing twins, it does tend to give the impression that it's more likely than it actually is.

I could be wrong of course. They might just be very very lucky and unusual. But it would be great and refreshing if more of them were honest about how they've conceived, even though I realise of course it's completely none of our business. It just ends up being one of those stories which are trotted out to infertile people - "Don't worry, Rachel Weicz conceived aged 48, I know it'll happen to you, babe" etc.

People will no doubt think I'm horrible, but I'm not intending to be.

Success with IVF after 40 is virtually impossible.

The odds drop but it depends on the person. People with PCOS seem to have better odds when older.

very unlikely indeed that Rachel didn't conceive using donor eggs

No it’s not. If she previously had eggs frozen no reason they shouldn’t be used.

Egg freezing technology did not exist when 'RW would have been at the age when it would have been worth doing.

I agree It's annoying when you get a constant drip feed of 40 something pregnant celebs, it makes it look as though getting pregnant in your 40s is the easiest thing in the world when most of them will have had help and donor eggs.

My mother had the menopause at 36.

My sister had the menopause at 29.

I have very very thoroughly researched egg freezing. I am 46 tomorrow, yey and when I was 34 egg freezing did not work at the thawing process ruptured them.