Is 40 too late ?

[Onthewrongsideof30]

AIBU to think waiting to having a baby until 40 is an option?
Currently 37, DH 44. Fit active non smokers etc, etc been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years - no luck. Been for fertility tests - no known issues with DH or myself. But the emotional roller coaster of being disappointed every month is driving me crazy and causing me and DH to fight. IVF not an option to us right now. I want to shove it on the back burner and just enjoy my lovely life. Focus on my relationship with DH, enjoy our beautiful home, enjoy my career and achieve some fitness goals and re address again in 3 years or would that be foolish ?

Have you read "Taking charge of your fertility"? Sometimes things just need a wee tweak, rather than IVF. By late thirties you only have a day or two a month where you are fertile, so it is easy to miss.

Take a break, and enjoy life. But if having children is important to you, waiting til 40 is foolhardy.

Clomid can possibly cause ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) While OHSS is characterized by enlarged ovaries, it is different from uncomplicated ovarian enlargement and can be extremely dangerous. Symptoms of OHSS include stomach pain or enlargement, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and weight gain.

I don’t want to alarm you but I feel that it’s important to say DON’T wait...you are at an age where your fertility is falling. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but please take heed.

I was 38 and DH much older, we tried for a couple of months and didn't work. DH started taking Fertilsan and I used the ovulation sticks to predict the peak days, we conceived at the next cycle. It turned out I had a large cyst on my right ovary which I assume wasn't even working properly (had to remove it during pregnancy), so I was relying on the left one (I assume). We now have a healthy and happy almost 6 months old DD.
Best of luck, I hope you what works for you.

• find

It seems in this case the only difference between "trying" and not "trying" is whether you obsess the consequences of sex. I don't think doing that resuming worrying in three years time is going to make any positive difference to your chances then.

If I've misunderstood and the plan is to look at IVF in three years time, then that doesn't sound like a good idea. Chances are going down with time. An IVF clinic once told us that the (their) success rate was 38%. It was only after a few cycles that I realised that while that might be true across all patients, the success rate for a woman over 40 was something like 12%. (From memory, check my numbers.)

Definitely don't wait, if you really want children then that would be a foolish decision. I think you and your partner need to have a serious discussion about IVF - if you do desperately want a child, you should probably start seriously considering this now. If you both can accept that it might never happen, then just stay off the contraception and see what happens.

Have a short break then try again? Get everything checked out to make sure all is well

I had problems conceiving aged 37/38, and by the time we got to the experts in to help our chances had lowered considerably. When we were ttc dc2, I was told age 42 I had an 8% chance of conceiving.

We were lucky, so so glad we didnt wait.

Know what you mean about the rollercoaster. Look for support from people who understand. There are some good ttc threads on here.

If you want a family you do need to be proactive. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear xx

I had my children at 37 and 41: first time, nothing was happening until I started to monitor my fertility – I just had no idea when I was ovulating, and when I did monitor, it wasn't when I thought it was. There are apps or you can chart temperature. Might be worth a try.

Stress does not stop you conceiving

Well it would make sense evolution wise if it did!

It really, really wouldn't, given how frequently in human history humans have had to keep going in extremely stressful situations. Whole nations would have simply ceased to be if people couldn't conceive under stress.

Perhaps more importantly, 'don't stress about it' is both useless and actively hurtful advice to someone having fertility issues. All it does is add to the existing stress a sense of guilt and worry about the stress itself. It can easily turn into people blaming themselves, and the sense that it's their own fault for caring too much, which is 'doing it wrong'. Quite a lot of people on this thread seem to think that OP and her partner can just switch off thinking and worrying about fertility - don't you think they'd have done that, if they could?

Would you be able to afford ivf in three years? Fertility rates decline rapidly after 35. If you are thinking of ivf the best time is now.

It's not the affordability of IVF is more the fact DH doesn't want it !

But then why would he want it in three years not now? Are you hoping to change his mind?

Lots of people's marriages don't fall apart due to ivf. We had ivf and it was not as bad as everyone says. The hardest part was when each cycle failed, similar to you're feeling now. Physically it was fine.

A huge percentage of couples' fertility problems are unexplained. I can't remember the exact stats but it's massive. That doesn't mean there isn't an issue, just that the tests you've had haven't picked it up, or that our level of knowledge and technology isn't yet sufficient to provide all the answers. Unexplained fertility doesn't mean that if you keep trying it will happen naturally. Or that ivf has more chance of success. I would say from personal experience that it can just add to frustration as if you knew what the problem was, then at least you might be able to try to do something about it. Ours was unexplained and after many years trying and then several rounds of ivf we finally conceived.

After 30, your fertility generally starts reducing. After 35 it drops off very rapidly and then goes off a cliff around 40. Yes you will hear stories of people who conceive at 45 but that isn't the norm. It is totally your choice to wait but please be informed about how this will impact on your chances (in the nicest possible way, it doesn't sound like you've done a lot of research if you haven't heard of things such as Clomid, or know more about it. Not a criticism at all!)

Also with regards to ivf, I know many people who have had it. None of them (inc us) have had their relationship ripped apart. Yes it can be bloody stressful. As can infertility generally. But in lots of cases, it can bring people closer together having to survive something like that. Only you know what your relationship is like, and how much having a child is a priority versus other important things in your life. Wish you all the best with it all :)

Would he still not want it if it was your only chance of having a baby? Seems odd to prefer childlessness to IVF.

I think not doing IVF is much much more likely to put strain on your marriage. You risk trying for another three years, still no conception, then you try IVF, it doesn't work, you are left wondering "Would IVF have worked if I had tried it a bit earlier at 37? Did my husband's reluctance ruin our chance?" Lots of potential for bad feeling and resentment there.

Or no IVF ever, no conception--and again, what-ifs, resentment, feeling that DH robbed you of a chance.

Try IVF --soon. Seriously.

It's not an easy road, but the vast majority of people do not have their marriages ruined by it.

If it works, you get a baby--and your chances are better now than if you wait another three years.

If it doesn't work, you will at least have closure on the issue. "We did what we could, but it was not to be. At least we know we tried, and there are no regrets or what-ifs. It's good that at least we have the issue out of the way. Now, let's just enjoy lots of sex without the bother of birth control and get on with planning that big exciting trip around South America" or whatever.

DH is reluctant as it tore apart his brothers marriage.

What do yo mean? The IVF process itself, or rather infertility?

Literally the month after they decided to stop trying and look at adoption she got pregnant

Coincidence. If so had a pound for time someone said "just relax "take your mind off It" "forget about It's "I know someone who just gave up and..." I'd be a bloody millionaire. Do people honestly think that if you have been trying to conceive for years that you can just switch off the feelings like pressing a button? Jeez. OP I would not waste any time, go for IVF.

Clomid is known for the emotional side effects. . There is a thing called Clomid crazies.

It's not the affordability of IVF is more the fact DH doesn't want it !

But he doesn't necessarily have to do very much anyway! OK a little private time and a bottle - but it is you who will be going through most of it.

Actually when we had ours DH was shown how to do the injections and he did that every day so that I wasn't making endless trips to the clinic.

I agree with Kokeshi123 and Katherine that not trying IVF is more likely to damage your marriage if you think you will end up being resentful towards him for not even trying

Take a break! I went mental trying to conceive. Do not jump straight to clomid from this point....if you can have a holiday, focus on work, be kind to yourself and enjoy your relationship.
I tried on and off from 31 and now 37 I am pregnant naturally. But oh there were hard times in the midst of trying. It was soul destroying.
I decided to take a break after getting half way through a IVF cycle, I was losing the plot.
The break made all the difference to my mental state and I was able to tackle conceiving with a fresh approach.
If you’ve not researched I’d suggest getting a few good books on fertility, perhaps see a specialist (just first consultation for information) booking a holiday and just come back to it in a few mths.
You don’t need and probably won’t want 3 years, a few months might make all the difference to your mindset and will make very little difference to your egg availability!
Good luck

With all respect as well - do you understand fertility and conception? I hate for that to sound condensing!!!! BUT when I started to research it I knew nothing! I didn’t even know how ovulation worked (awful sex education we had when I was a kid!)
Just some basic changes can help (monitoring cervical fluid, taking certain supplements, reflexology etc.)
If you haven’t researched how it all actually works then I’d recommend it

For every couple who stopped trying and then got pregnant there are plenty who 'stopped trying' and remained childless

For every couple who stopped trying and then got pregnant there are plenty who 'stopped trying' and remained childless

Yes, and people only tell the stories that 'fit' the right narrative. My third pregnancy after two miscarriages was conceived when we thought we were actively avoiding the fertile days because I needed a break after the second miscarriage, even though we'd had plenty of months of hitting all the right days and not conceiving first. That pregnancy went on a couple of weeks longer than my first two and I thought maybe I was going to get my very own 'it happened when we stopped trying!' story. Then I miscarried that one too. That's not a story I tell anyone in real life, as compared to the 'it happened when we least expected it!' stories it's a bit of downer.