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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mother is being granny to strangers!

185 replies

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:15

Parents went abroad, back to their own EU country after living in UK for 40 years, I visit twice a year and take my family over. We are in contact by phone once a week, for chats.

They have neighbours, who work full-time til late, the lady has become a very good friend with my mother and the kids are now going to my mothers house after school and have dinner there and are picked up around 7pm twice a week, the other days they have a childminder. If they are at school and sick, my mother picks them up from school and they stay at her house til parents get home.

Yes, I am am a little jealous, and so are my kids, plus we think it is weird that neighbours kids photos are framed and up next to our photos! She talks to them like a grandma, I heard them on the phone together, she says the stuff a grandmas says. My mother talks about them all the time, she goes to their assemblies and shows at school, like a grandma would. I told my mother to stop going on about them!!

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

I told my mother to just tell them to do it once in a while, not regularly, she refused. We argued over it, she says it keeps her occupied, fine but is it not odd to be subsidizing their income?

My concerns;

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits.

My dad is making a huge fuss over it. He says nothing to their faces, but he emails and calls me complaining, the are kids bothering him, in his own house, whining, he wants quiet. He does not like them, thinks they are using my mother. He is disabled and grumpy. He argues with my mother over it. My mother cannot stand him, they never got on, and she said this other family gives her an outlet away from his horrible grumpy company!

I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him but he has given now me the neighbours phone number, he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I? My mother will be really upset if I do though.

I have never met the neighbour or her children, she knows I am avoiding her, I do not want the children there when I visit, as I resent having to entertain them during my limited visit, so I think she must know how I feel. Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/04/2018 17:26

I think the way that you are now describing the mother of these children, the more I think that you're jealous of her more than anything and the close relationship she has with your mother? It really comes across in the way you describe her, the gossiping about her with family members and saying your mother thinks "the sun shines out of her backside".

You seem to be full of bitterness and determined to find faults with the woman despite 7 pages of posters (and your mum) disagreeing with you.
I think it's worth being honest with yourself about your motivations here.

Coyoacan · 17/04/2018 17:34

My dad does care about her, but he is selfish and has a vested interest in her health or he will be well and truly stuffed without her

Well why? Didn't they move home because the health service is much better? Are they living among lots of relatives?

my kids pics and paintings mixed in with the neighbours ones on wall, feels odd, and my own kids felt it too.

I think your children are picking up on your feelings, as is often the case.

derxa · 17/04/2018 17:38

I would hate this OP and understand your situation completely Flowers

waterrat · 17/04/2018 17:43

Gosh Op I actually think it's really sad that your dad is trying to stop something that makes your mum happy and you are going along with him - he sounds controlling and bullying. If you don't want him staying with you why on earth would you back him in attacking your mother?

derxa · 17/04/2018 17:47

my kids pics and paintings mixed in with the neighbours ones on wall, feels odd, and my own kids felt it too It feels odd because it is odd.

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 18:03

@derxa why is it odd? I have kids paintings on my wall that friends children have painted for me and I’m sure if I saw them twice a week every week for 2 years I’d have photos too

ventia · 17/04/2018 18:03

the 7 pages ran on and on, I did not expect that.....
I said I told my dad I was not getting involved, I took comments on board, in terms of leaving it alone.

My personal opinions about this woman are my own though, I am saying them here, I am not going to say them to anyone in the real-world.

They did not scarper to be away from me! It was a family decision, based on a quieter life, and some good healthcare ahead of the time it was needed, I wanted them to move before they were too disabled to do so. My dad was not really in a fit state to fly when he did, it would have been too late after that.

Anyway, as it has run on so long, I think call it a day.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 18/04/2018 13:08

Jealousy, sorry if I am honest, like I said, I am anon here, yes a bit, my kids pics and paintings mixed in with the neighbours ones on wall, feels odd, and my own kids felt it too.

Honestly, I think the only reason your kids have a problem with this is because you have a problem with this.

My DS has an extra adoptive granny, a friend of mine who has plenty of blood grandchildren of her own. Her actual grandchildren love my DS, rather than are jealous of him, and beg him to come over.

Eatalot · 18/04/2018 13:21

Your mother has found people that care about her, give her gifts and have her over for dinner. You and your father are intent on stopping this because YOU dont like it. Your poor mother.

Clandestino · 18/04/2018 13:21

My DD doesn't have her own Nana where we live but she considered our dear beloved neighbour a kind of a replacement. Even though she didn't have the pictures on the wall or anything, she was really kind to DD and knew her from when she was a baby.
She passed away suddenly last year and DD can't talk about her without crying for the next half an hour.

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