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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mother is being granny to strangers!

185 replies

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:15

Parents went abroad, back to their own EU country after living in UK for 40 years, I visit twice a year and take my family over. We are in contact by phone once a week, for chats.

They have neighbours, who work full-time til late, the lady has become a very good friend with my mother and the kids are now going to my mothers house after school and have dinner there and are picked up around 7pm twice a week, the other days they have a childminder. If they are at school and sick, my mother picks them up from school and they stay at her house til parents get home.

Yes, I am am a little jealous, and so are my kids, plus we think it is weird that neighbours kids photos are framed and up next to our photos! She talks to them like a grandma, I heard them on the phone together, she says the stuff a grandmas says. My mother talks about them all the time, she goes to their assemblies and shows at school, like a grandma would. I told my mother to stop going on about them!!

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

I told my mother to just tell them to do it once in a while, not regularly, she refused. We argued over it, she says it keeps her occupied, fine but is it not odd to be subsidizing their income?

My concerns;

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits.

My dad is making a huge fuss over it. He says nothing to their faces, but he emails and calls me complaining, the are kids bothering him, in his own house, whining, he wants quiet. He does not like them, thinks they are using my mother. He is disabled and grumpy. He argues with my mother over it. My mother cannot stand him, they never got on, and she said this other family gives her an outlet away from his horrible grumpy company!

I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him but he has given now me the neighbours phone number, he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I? My mother will be really upset if I do though.

I have never met the neighbour or her children, she knows I am avoiding her, I do not want the children there when I visit, as I resent having to entertain them during my limited visit, so I think she must know how I feel. Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

OP posts:
Juells · 16/04/2018 20:37

Some posts on here are hard to believe. Why would anyone want to fuck up their mother's life, take away the only thing that keeps her happy and occupied?

isadoradancing123 · 16/04/2018 20:41

Well if it's only twice a week and she enjoys it it's up to her I suppose, although I can understand your dad's point of view. If the neighbour invites her to dinner and buys her gifts sometimes then they are not taking advantage?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2018 20:44

On the face of it, it sounds as though your dad is the problem in all this.

Perhaps he will always have issues with your mother whatever she does. Does he want her to have no life? Just be in the house waiting on him? She wants to escape that.

It's completely unfair that he's dragging you into their arguments. The dynamics of your relationship with your parents are skewed.
I agree with others, step back from trying to "sort" anything out.

Your mother sounds happy and fulfilled. Don't resent that.
The neighbours aren't exploiting her. They're taking her out, buying her gifts, inviting her for dinner. It's not a money issue. It's human kindness at it's best.

category12 · 16/04/2018 20:44

my dad is making threats to come back and stay with me on extended visits, and I do not want him! GrinGrin

And neither does your mum want his grumpy company unmitigated by the pleasure she gets from her pseudo-grandchildren. I think it's nice that's she found something that makes her happy. I can understand it's hard for you but her life is otherwise pretty hard.

divadee · 16/04/2018 20:44

Yabvvvvu and sound spoilt. No one else can have your mum but you only see her twice a year. Either move to be near her or let her be happy and help this fsmily. Why should she be miserable cos you don't want your dad in a grump and him staying with you. You don't want your dad but you expect your mum to put up with him all the time and not do anything that gives her pleasure and happiness.

Her loving other people doesn't mean she loves you less.

CheeseyToast · 16/04/2018 20:45

You're not getting it OP, whether it's "a replacement thing" or not, it's not your business.

Your focus here should be dealing with your feelings of jealousy, not projecting them into your mother.

Kismett · 16/04/2018 20:46

I had a surrogate granny like this, though it was paid work right from the beginning. She grew into being part of the family. She saw us on a daily basis and her own children and grandchildren a few times a year. My grandparents lived in another country so we only saw them once a year.

I don't know how anyone else felt about it, but this woman is one of the most important figures in my life. I loved hearing stories about her generation, she taught me everything from baking cookies to the value of honesty. My life would be poorer had I never known her. I would be a different person.

Her husband also became like family and though he passed nearly twenty years ago, I still think of him often. It's unfortunate that your father doesn't feel the same way.

I understand why you feel they are taking advantage, and why you might be jealous. But I thought you might like to know the other side of it. I treasure every minute I had with my surrogate gran, and have always considered her as family.

EasterBunBun · 16/04/2018 20:47

We lived a long way from my mother and I was very pleased for her when she built a similar relationship with the family next door to her. I never thought the children were supplanting her own grandchildren ie my DCs in her affections, it was entirely different. Your mother sounds like a generous hearted and loving woman who has an outlet for her caring instincts and abilities - and a diversion from a grumpy husband.

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:49

Yes but they were YOUR grandparents. Cant you see the difference?

The kids are the same age roughly as my kids, a couple of years younger. I did not say a word to my kids at the beginning, and they mentioned to me that all she talks about are these neighbours and what she does with them, they are a bit jealous too, petty maybe, but natural...

yes my dad is trying to get rid of them. It is his house too, I think a compromise is best. I said, why cant you go to their house instead? or alternate houses, or do just 1 day a week.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 16/04/2018 20:51

OP your mum loves you and your DC you are her flesh and blood. This little family are not your rivals can't you see that? You are so lucky to have such a kind, giving, loving, mum . Embrace the family and see the good they are doing her. It is a win win situation. They are not your replacements, just an addition to the family.

AnnaMagnani · 16/04/2018 20:51

My Mum does this.

I live far-ish away and have not provided her with GCs to lavish with love.

When she first started I was crazy with jealousy, concerned it took up her time and money, her health etc etc.

Now I'm pleased for her. I do hear endlessly about this other family but I know absolutely I am number 1. In fact over the years there has been more than one family lucky enough to have the second grandma treatment. Rather than taking up too much of her energy, I think it gives her motivation and keeps her going.

Finally - I learnt many many years ago that I my parents' marital problems were theirs not mine and I cannot stop my DM doing anything she wants to do.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2018 20:51

You need to see that your dad is being controlling. He's messaging you, forcing you to take sides and insisting you phone up the neighbours to tell them to "lay off"? Shock
Then threatening he'll move in with you for extended periods unless you dance to his tune?

Sorry that's fucked up.
How about he treats you as a daughter rather than a pawn in his relationship with his mother?
Stand up to him. You don't have to agree with him. I think he's manipulating you.

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:52

After school in this country is 1pm.
she has them til 7pm.

OP posts:
outofmydepth45 · 16/04/2018 20:52

YABU and controlling, your mother is an adult who can do as she pleases. Your dad sounds like a controlling ass, guess the Apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Teach your children that they are not the centre of the universe

hdh747 · 16/04/2018 20:53

We can choose who we let into our lives and love, it's not dictated by blood alone. Your mum sounds lovely. And happy with this.
It's a shame your dad isn't happy but only those too can sort that out.
Don't let jealousy spoil things, it isn't taking anything away from you. Maybe you need to focus on how you can see more of each other if it's important to you, not on how to keep someone else out.

LittlePaintBox · 16/04/2018 20:54

I honestly can't see what the problem is. It sounds like your mum enjoys having the next-door children in her life, and this takes nothing away from you or your children. It's quite controlling to say you know what your mother can cope with - actually, you don't, and unless she herself has asked for your help in getting out of her commitment, you have no right to barge in and discuss it with the neighbour.

K1092902 · 16/04/2018 20:55

It sounds like you need to get a major grip OP. Our nannys mum lives over the road from us so helps in an emergency when nanny isn't available and babysits twice a month. DD adores her and she adores DD.

Stop interfering in her life as well. Unless she has lost the ability to (and i highly doubt it) she is perfectly entitled to make her own choices.

I can understand where you are coming from in a way but unless you relocate then theres nothing you can do.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2018 20:56

She's a grown woman ventia. I'm sure your mum wouldn't take on more than she could manage. I think she'd be devastated if your soured the relationship she has struck up with these children and their parents.

Why not talk to your mum and see how she feels rather than hearing your dad's side? He seems to be deliberately making you feel jealous so you'll take his side Sad

Cynara · 16/04/2018 20:56

It's not your place to suggest that she sees them in alternate houses etc. If your dad has a problem with what she's doing, let him take it up with her. Don't get drawn in to it and fire his bullets for him. Support your mum, who sounds absolutely lovely and who is doing nothing wrong.

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:56

@ AnnaMagnani
I think this is the stage I need to get to, you described it perfectly.

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 16/04/2018 20:58

Your mum left a country she has made her home and raised her children in for 40 years. she left her friends, her community, and you all behind.
She is probably feeling unloved, lonely and maybe even useless and bored where she is now, a country that will inevitably have changed from the one she left behind. The people she left behind have moved on and changed or passed on, she has changed.
She has found something that brings her purpose and pleasure and you and your dad want to take that away from her because you aren't the center of it.

Cailleach1 · 16/04/2018 20:58

So, who decided to move away? Your mother's life sounds empty otherwise. She has grandchildren, just not where she moved to. Or was your father the one who drove the relocation? Sounds as if he doesn't want too many around. Ironic if he is now going to come back to get away from the situation.

There is sadness there. Sounds as if she enjoys it, but maybe they do take advantage if she is not in good health.

ventia · 16/04/2018 21:00

My dad says they take the remote control off him and climb on his lap, and he thinks the neighbour does it to save money on childcare. Thats his view.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 16/04/2018 21:00

Do you think it will make your mum happy if you try and stop her doing this?
She sounds great.

Badcat666 · 16/04/2018 21:01

If you are worried about your mum's health then her being happy and around people she likes is far better for her and less stressful then being sat indoors with a moody bastard of a husband who she dislikes.

Sounds like a case of sour grapes from your dad, she has found something she likes and something to do whereas he is "stuck indoors" being bitter. Sounds like resents her happiness and wants her at home with him all the time to do what he wants.

Stop being so jealous and be happy your mum is happy! Let her live her life like she lets you live yours. She is her own person, she can do what she wants.