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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mother is being granny to strangers!

185 replies

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:15

Parents went abroad, back to their own EU country after living in UK for 40 years, I visit twice a year and take my family over. We are in contact by phone once a week, for chats.

They have neighbours, who work full-time til late, the lady has become a very good friend with my mother and the kids are now going to my mothers house after school and have dinner there and are picked up around 7pm twice a week, the other days they have a childminder. If they are at school and sick, my mother picks them up from school and they stay at her house til parents get home.

Yes, I am am a little jealous, and so are my kids, plus we think it is weird that neighbours kids photos are framed and up next to our photos! She talks to them like a grandma, I heard them on the phone together, she says the stuff a grandmas says. My mother talks about them all the time, she goes to their assemblies and shows at school, like a grandma would. I told my mother to stop going on about them!!

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

I told my mother to just tell them to do it once in a while, not regularly, she refused. We argued over it, she says it keeps her occupied, fine but is it not odd to be subsidizing their income?

My concerns;

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits.

My dad is making a huge fuss over it. He says nothing to their faces, but he emails and calls me complaining, the are kids bothering him, in his own house, whining, he wants quiet. He does not like them, thinks they are using my mother. He is disabled and grumpy. He argues with my mother over it. My mother cannot stand him, they never got on, and she said this other family gives her an outlet away from his horrible grumpy company!

I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him but he has given now me the neighbours phone number, he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I? My mother will be really upset if I do though.

I have never met the neighbour or her children, she knows I am avoiding her, I do not want the children there when I visit, as I resent having to entertain them during my limited visit, so I think she must know how I feel. Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 16/04/2018 23:04

I cannot help thinking saving 2 days a week childcare must be a consideration.

So what???? Your mum is HAPPY! Let. It. Go.

ventia · 16/04/2018 23:05

yes I I will!! good night........and thanks

OP posts:
Morsecode · 16/04/2018 23:05

So what will you do OP, cast your dark shadow to stop the neighbour from saving 2 days' expenses a week? So now your concern is not with your parents anymore but with the neighbours' finances, is that it? Oh, did you say you were nice, not horrible...?

CaptainNancyoftheAmazon · 16/04/2018 23:06

I had a surrogate grandmother like this - 2 in fact, though only one had children and grandchildren of her own (in another country). My parents, sisters and I loved them just as much as if they were blood relatives and that was reflected in how we acted with each other. It worked both ways - they helped us out as local grandparents do & it was my parents who dropped everything when they were ill. We chose to spend lots of time together. It wasnt exploitation or quid pro quo, we just loved them.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2018 23:07

Perhaps try to view it as voluntary work then? Something people find very rewarding and enriching (not in monetary terms).
Your head's in a muddle over this so think about what it is that you honestly find so wrong.

I'm sorry that you've grown up as the "middle man" in your parent's marriage. It would be good to put a stop to your Obligatory "employment/not employed "role of marriage counsellor/sounding board for your parents..

teazle · 16/04/2018 23:12

YABU. It's lovely for your mother to have this relationship with her neighbours, especially given that you and your family live in another country. Your dad needs to stop being so grumpy and take a more positive outlook on the situation, or keep away and be grumpy by himself.

stolemyusername · 16/04/2018 23:14

You sound petty and jealous.

You say she doesn't get along with your father? So she's stuck in a miserable marriage and doesn't have her own family around her, but you want her to stop doing something she enjoys because you don't like it (and your father).

Perhaps she should just live as a hermit with no friends, her only purpose to serve your dad?

Weezol · 16/04/2018 23:16

She spends twelve hours a week doing something she finds enjoyable, in return her friends take her out for meals and buy her flowers and gifts.

Yes, that is friendship. Yes that is fine. Not all time has to be monetised. You sound like you'd prefer her at home 24/7 with your delightful father, a man you don't even like.

I know who I'm rooting for on this one.

Pollaidh · 16/04/2018 23:22

I had one living grandparent, but 3 different older people who 'adopted' us and we 'adopted' them. I think we all got something out of it - the older people either had no children, or children a long way away. They loved kids and wanted to be around kids, and we kids liked them. They bought treats, presents, looked after us when our parents were in hospital, kept an eye on us from time to time.

In return we visit them when we go home, get them gifts, buy them flowers, write postcards etc. They're invited round at Christmas and other events, to be with our family group.

I think this sounds like jealousy that you and your DC could be supplanted. I never ever thought that our 'adoptive' GPs loved us more than their own DGC. And my own grandfather 'adopted' children, including them in the family. It's really not unusual, and I think generally the relationship balances itself out.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2018 23:28

I agree, it's not unusual. We grew up next door to an older couple and "auntie Joan" as we called her, often had us round, made cakes with us, read to us and treated us like grandchildren. She and my mother were (and still are) really close and my mum now helps her with hospital appointments and visits her as she is very elderly.

It can be a really positive thing.

freshstart24 · 16/04/2018 23:28

Why do you believe your dad's version of events rather than your mum's version?

You should not interfere or get in the way of what is making her happy. It's not for you to dictate to her how to live.

You dad is blackmailing you with threats of coming to stay with you. Don't accept this.

Saracen · 17/04/2018 00:09

I think this is a fantastic arrangement for your mum. Not only does she enjoy her relationship with the neighbour family, but she has people on hand to look out for her and help her in practical ways if she needs it. That is priceless.

My family were on both sides of such an arrangement simultaneously at one point. I had fabulous elderly neighbours who doted on my kids, bought them presents, and sometimes babysat. We used to bring the neighbours hot meals, fix their broken washing machine, and drive them to the garden centre and hospital appointments. Meanwhile, 4000 miles away, my own beloved widowed mum had befriended the young man next door. He shoveled the snow from her drive and checked she was all right. She gave him advice on his love life and the ailments of his cat. They watched sports and ate pizza together.

Of course some people do exploit lonely elderly neighbours. But why jump to this conclusion without strong evidence that something is wrong?

UnimaginativeUsername · 17/04/2018 00:27

This is all about what you want for your mum and what your dad wants. Yet she clearly wants to look after these children two afternoons a week. Maybe believe that she knows her own mind.

And you’ve said yourself that your dad lies about everything. You might want to consider that he’s not being entirely truthful in this case too.

In your position I would have thought the thing to do would be to meet the family when you visit and get to know them.

MrsDilber · 17/04/2018 00:37

Think of your mum alone with her miserable husband, day after day after day, sounds like a lonely life to me. Please be happy that she is doing something to change this, to bring some warmth and connection into her life.

Loneliness is a horrible thing, kudos to her.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 17/04/2018 00:52

Your parents probably miss your kids, and are using the neighbour kids as a "surrogate grandkids" as a way to fill the void of not having their real grandkids there to spoil and make a fuss off...plus maybe the neighbour kids don't have grandparents or don't get to see their own grandparents very often and tour parents felt sorry for them and have taken them under their wing...

Don't let your mum know you are jealous...don't make her feel bad for being friends with the neighbours and their kids, maybe it's her way if coping of not having your kids around...and you can't expect her to sit home alone, she has to have a life and has to have friends...maybe you can Skype your mum or form a WhatsApp group with her, you and your kids and you can use it to chat to her during g the day and send her photos and videos (so she has stuff about you and your kids to talk about and show to others....) And a good thing about WhatsApp is you and your kids can make free video calls to your mum...maybe doing that will help you all feel part of her day and life and you and the kids won't feel as jealous

Coyoacan · 17/04/2018 04:04

And school-age children are not frazzling at all.

I'm a grandmother and three years ago I found looking after a baby totally frazzling, but now that she is four she is a joy and no problem at all.

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 04:58

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits. Then I guess your mum knows her own limits too?

With your father being the way he is, you mum sees this as a way to be needed, and perhaps loved? I know it sounds a bit emotionally-blackmaily, but if you loved her, you would see what she gets out of this, she is obviously happy!

You are being horrible to both your mother, and the other kids. Not wanting them there when you visit? Why the hell not? What are they going to do??

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 05:34

Your dad sounds like a bully. I agree that he shouldn't have the remote taken off him, or be climbed on, but other than that...meh

He is pulling YOU in to fight this battle for him. How many times does he do that? Going by what you have written, quite a lot I'd say. Thereby making YOU the one who looks bad to your mum. Which means he is creating a divide, so you will continue to find HER unreasonable and not him.

How many times have you sided with him, out of fear he would carry through on his "threat of the day?" You don't want him living with you, so you need to stop mum making him feel "miserable" in his own home. So your happiness is maintained, his happiness is maintained and your mum is miserable and lonely.

You don't want him staying with you, yest you are happy tieing your mum to him, 24/7, you want to stop the one thing that brings your mum some happiness, so she is stuck running around after only him, and pandering to his needs.

He sounds like a jealous new father once the baby comes along, and you are enabling that! It would be interesting to see how he reacted when you were born.

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 05:37

Excuse spelling. Typing too fast!

KT63 · 17/04/2018 05:52

You aren’t concerned for your mother in the slightest. You’ve said you wouldn’t be concerned if it was your kids, so the load on your mum isn’t your concern, it’s the fact she’s doing it for someone else, not the workload your mum is doing.
You won’t let her talk about them, think it’s weird and won’t listen to something that’s clearly a big part of her life because you don’t agree with it. Which is really sad actually, she’s probably just trying to make conversation.

You don’t want your dad to stay with you, and that’s why you’re trying to pressure your mum to stop. Again, it’s about you and what you want.

You’ve wound your kids up to be jealous about it too. It’s not a natural reaction unless they’ve picked up on your resentment. It would be different if she lived up the road and wasn’t seeing your kids to look after someone else’s, but they live in a different country so it’s hardly like she’s abandoning your children to prioritise someone else’s kids.

So in short, it all reads like you and your dad are both pretty dismissive of your mum and her wants and needs. No wonder she’s found something which gives her joy and is sticking to her guns! I would too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2018 06:00

^^ I agree with everything KT63 said. This isn’t about your mother at all!

Olympiathequeen · 17/04/2018 06:06

You’ve talked to your mother. She is genuinely happy with the situation. She has a substitute family with children she can take pleasure in, who enjoy her company and who are friends. She lives with a miserable old sod, and you are taking his side?

You sound jealous. You should be happy your mother has an outlet for her love and care. Love isn’t limited. She isnt depriving your family of its share. She is wise enough I’m sure to recognise if she was being used and if it was too much for her. Giving time and attention to these children is contributing to her mental health.

Would you prefer she was cooped up every day with a man she dislikes?

Namechange128 · 17/04/2018 06:14

I think @differentnameforthis has it right. Your dad is the one causing the issue here, and without meaning to, you are helping.
Your jealousy is totally understandable, my mum is natural mother hen and I grew up with the same feeling many times. But your dad is exploiting it, and you are letting it fester.
She is lonely and living far away from her daughter and has found something that makes her happy. So what if it tires her out a bit?

Also, you and your dad might be pushing her into a corner where she feels that she has to stick to her guns no matter what. If you were.maybe let her be a bit, then if there is an issue at any time, she would be able to come to you for advice.

Veterinari · 17/04/2018 06:26

You are jealous and your dad is is a bully.

The issue here is not concern for your mother - she’s clearly happy with the arrangement. It’s that you and your father want to stop her from doing something she enjoys because of your own jealousy/irritation. That’s pretty sad Sad

It’s lovely that your mother is a lovely person and has created friendships for herself - don’t sabotage this for her because you’re jealous.

SoyDora · 17/04/2018 07:18

@greeneygirl, no I would not be concerned if it was my kids, she is their grandma

So because they’re her grandkids, they’re automatically easier and less onerous than children who aren’t related? I thought your concern was that she’s over stretching herself and it might affect her health... why would that be different if they were your kids?
You’re jealous, pure and simple. And you don’t want the inconvenience of your dad moaning to you/turning up on your doorstep.
If your mum stops looking after these children your dad will be happy because he’s got what he wants, you will be happy because you won’t be inconvenienced by your father, and because you can stop the jealously, and your mum? Will she be happy?