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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mother is being granny to strangers!

185 replies

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:15

Parents went abroad, back to their own EU country after living in UK for 40 years, I visit twice a year and take my family over. We are in contact by phone once a week, for chats.

They have neighbours, who work full-time til late, the lady has become a very good friend with my mother and the kids are now going to my mothers house after school and have dinner there and are picked up around 7pm twice a week, the other days they have a childminder. If they are at school and sick, my mother picks them up from school and they stay at her house til parents get home.

Yes, I am am a little jealous, and so are my kids, plus we think it is weird that neighbours kids photos are framed and up next to our photos! She talks to them like a grandma, I heard them on the phone together, she says the stuff a grandmas says. My mother talks about them all the time, she goes to their assemblies and shows at school, like a grandma would. I told my mother to stop going on about them!!

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

I told my mother to just tell them to do it once in a while, not regularly, she refused. We argued over it, she says it keeps her occupied, fine but is it not odd to be subsidizing their income?

My concerns;

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits.

My dad is making a huge fuss over it. He says nothing to their faces, but he emails and calls me complaining, the are kids bothering him, in his own house, whining, he wants quiet. He does not like them, thinks they are using my mother. He is disabled and grumpy. He argues with my mother over it. My mother cannot stand him, they never got on, and she said this other family gives her an outlet away from his horrible grumpy company!

I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him but he has given now me the neighbours phone number, he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I? My mother will be really upset if I do though.

I have never met the neighbour or her children, she knows I am avoiding her, I do not want the children there when I visit, as I resent having to entertain them during my limited visit, so I think she must know how I feel. Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 16/04/2018 22:18

I think one should also consider cultural differences here. Not all that long ago in the UK it would have been quite common for neighbours to look after one another's kids a lot, perhaps it's more usual there?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 16/04/2018 22:19

I would be thrilled in this situation, a mother who, instead of pining for grandchildren and being ground down by a grumpy husband, has found purpose and close relationships.

It's not in anyway your responsibility to sort something out to make your father happy at your mother's expense. I would be furious if I was your mother and found out one of my children had interfered with my life like that.

Morsecode · 16/04/2018 22:20

Oh and you not being "keen" on her timetable!! Did you learn to be dismissive of her as a person from you dad OP?

ventia · 16/04/2018 22:25

@greeneygirl, no I would not be concerned if it was my kids, she is their grandma.
she used to have them a few days in the school holidays, and come over for Sunday lunch in the UK.
I get there is a void, but this is an employment shaped void!

OP posts:
snewname · 16/04/2018 22:26

Ideally you would leave them to sort it out themselves but given you've always got yourself involved then
Tell your mum that she needs to take her dh's feelings into account and say to them that she needs to babysit in their house one of those days. A compromise for both of them. If your mum doesn't want to do this then she needs to drop one of the days.

DrWhy · 16/04/2018 22:27

Oh God, I’m really worried that my neighbours adult children feel like you. My retired neighbour was widowed 6 weeks after DS was born. We became friends after I popped round to drop off a condolence card. She absolutely adores DS and he was a light in her life at a dark time, in return she’s been an enormous support to me. For example, she’s a retired nurse and HV so when DH was away and DS had a temperature and a rash she popped over at 9pm to have a look at him and saved me a trip to out of hours. She doesn’t do any regular childcare but she’s the only person that we’ve ever left DS with aside from his grandparents and she occasionally watches him while we do jobs round the house at the weekend. In return we’ve taken her out for lunch a couple of times. She has toys for him at her house and his photo thank you cards on her bookcase. We’ve met both her grown children and they were both pleasant to us but I’m convinced they think it is odd and we are after something! We certainly aren’t. We enjoy her company, she does lovely helpful things like get us bread and milk in when we get back from holiday or put our bins away, we change lightbulbs and similar household jobs and are on call should she ever need us.
I think it’s great for both the older person and the family as long as all involved are happy. My only concern in the OPs case is that her DF isn’t happy, which isn’t fair.

Coyoacan · 16/04/2018 22:28

I think your mum is an example for us all and good on her for not letting the grouch take away her fun.

I am a grandmother and think too many children want to interfere in their parents decisions. Please, protect your parents from their decisions when they are no longer compis mentis, not before.

SevenStones · 16/04/2018 22:28

I told my mother to

I told my mother to

I know her limits.

I agree with him

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

You and your father make a good pair, that's for sure. Both of you sound horrible.

So, you think the neighbours have a good deal having your mum look after their children twice a week in exchange for nice things, giving her gifts, inviting her to dinner and being on hand for emergencies. I'd say your mum has a good deal, too, if we're reducing this mutual kindness and friendship to "deals".

Like someone else said, the compromise is that your father has no children in his house five full days and most of another two days per week.

he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I?

No, you should not.

Leave you mother to enjoy those few hours of pleasure she has without you and your father spoiling things for her.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/04/2018 22:32

It's difficult to see the wood for the trees when it's your life ventia but you do need to realise that it's not right that you've fallen into a pattern of getting dragged into your parent's disputes and having to take sides.

It sucks that both of your parents have got into the habit of sounding off to you about each other. I assume this has been going on for most of your adult life but it doesn't seem normal or healthy for any of you. Sad

I think it would be fine to speak to your mum if you're coming from a place of concern in regards to her physical health.
The fact is her neighbours maybe the ones that will help if she is ill and will look out for her?

It's worth considering your mum's mental health as well. This set up is probably very beneficial; giving her a lot of fulfillment and purpose.
It sounds as though your mum is your dad's carer and that's tough and lonely at times.

ventia · 16/04/2018 22:38

I am horrible? Oh dear. Low threshold of what is horrible, in that case maybe it is horrible to not hire a childminder 5 days a week, then you can visits without obligations.

My mum gives them gifts and invites them for dinner too, and is there when the kids are sick off school too.

1-7pm twice a week for x2 kids, is alot of childcare.

OP posts:
ventia · 16/04/2018 22:42

I have spoken to my mum, she refused a compromise, I am leaving it alone, I was just wondering what other people thought about it.....

yes it is unhealthy, yes it has been my whole life, from a child, so I do not know any different. however I did learn lessons and I would not stay in a toxic marriage like that.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 22:45

You want her to compromise by doing whatever your dad wants. Maybe you should look up compromise in a dictionary

DD43 · 16/04/2018 22:53

@ventia

YANBU to be peeved and jealous OP. Most people would feel the same.

But there is little you can do. Especially as your folks have gone back to their original country.

Why HAVE they gone back by the way? I cannot imagine there would be any family left out there for them, and they are leaving their kids and grandkids behind...

JMO, but I would be a bit hurt if I was you.

Have you mentioned it to her? It's a bit of a worry if your dad is so pissed off about it. Sounds like she may be doing it as a way to avoid being with your dad sometimes. Still not sure what you can do though.

Rachie1973 · 16/04/2018 22:53

ventia
However my dad is making threats to come back and stay with me on extended visits, and I do not want him!

So you'd rather he made your mother unhappy instead?

Got it.

You're not really very nice.

ventia · 16/04/2018 22:54

No my dad does not want them there at all or hardly at all.
I do not think she should be obligated to a school timetable, she should see them as and when she wants, but not as a 'job'. If she cannot do it or does not feel like it for whatever reason, then she does not have to. I cannot help but think saving childcare costs is a consideration for the neighbour, sorry. I think she should alternate which house the visits are at. That is my opinion, but I said that to her, and now I am leaving it. So not siding with dad, the opposite. I thought about contacted the neighbour but I am leaving it alone.

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 16/04/2018 22:56

YANBU to be concerned that your mum may be taking on too much or that someone is taking advantage of her good nature.

But your mum is capable of making up her own mind about what she wants to do with her time.

You can't tell her what to do in her own home and on her own time. BUT it will do no harm for her neighbours to be aware that you are keeping an eye on the situation from afar.

My DM lives a long way from me. She has befriended someone and helps out with her children. She said she was happy to do so. At first all was fine. But it did tip into a level of care that my mum said was too much. I did tell her nicely to back off re childcare requirements - and I'm glad I did, as DM thanked me for stepping in diplomatically.

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 22:56

Dad gets 5 days and 2 mornings child free in THEIR home,
Mum gets to enjoy having kids about 2 afternoons a week.
That seems fair, it’s your mums home too and if she didn’t want to do it she wouldn’t but she obviously cares a great deal about the kids and not everything is about money

ventia · 16/04/2018 22:57

rachie1973
my mother married him, I didnt! She did not divorce him, she could have I suppose.
I am very nice! It is complicated, I am concerned about my mum, I see dads POW, I want mum to be happy but do not want her to get frazzled or be employed obligation, yet not an employee. Is that friendship?

OP posts:
Morsecode · 16/04/2018 22:57

Seriously OP. First, it was about your disabled father's house. Then it was about your mother's health. Now it's about her being in unpaid employment. How many spins will you put on things just to get your own way, over other people's lives?

Rachie1973 · 16/04/2018 22:57

ventia
No my dad does not want them there at all or hardly at all.

12 hours a week or so? Hardly all the time.

I do not think she should be obligated to a school timetable

She's not. She's choosing to do this. WHY do you have such a problem with your perfectly mentally capable mother making choices for herself? Would you allow someone else to decide things for you on the basis that they think they know better?

So not siding with dad

You clearly are. You can't see past your jealousy.

I thought about contacted the neighbour but I am leaving it alone.

Good. This would be spiteful and cruel to your mother.

SevenStones · 16/04/2018 22:57

So not siding with dad

You have sided with him by bringing it up with your mother and by considering contacting the neighbour.

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 22:58

Friends look after each other and each other’s kids. It’s really not as strange a situation as you think

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 22:59

Your original post
‘I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him’
So you agree with him.

Rachie1973 · 16/04/2018 23:00

ventia
my mother married him, I didnt! She did not divorce him, she could have I suppose.

Then butt out!

I want mum to be happy but do not want her to get frazzled

Then for goodness sake leave her alone! Having my kids bang on about me making my own choices would bloody frazzle me!

Is that friendship?

As far as your mother is concerned.... YES!

ventia · 16/04/2018 23:02

right twilightcafe, I think you get it. Ok I am a little jealous, but concern is for my mother. She is so generous that she will say yes yes yes/
The dad issue is separate, even if he was not around, i would still be concerned at the amount of time spent on babysitting. It is not all about money for my mother. It might not be for the neighbour, but I cannot help thinking saving 2 days a week childcare must be a consideration.

OP posts: