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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mother is being granny to strangers!

185 replies

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:15

Parents went abroad, back to their own EU country after living in UK for 40 years, I visit twice a year and take my family over. We are in contact by phone once a week, for chats.

They have neighbours, who work full-time til late, the lady has become a very good friend with my mother and the kids are now going to my mothers house after school and have dinner there and are picked up around 7pm twice a week, the other days they have a childminder. If they are at school and sick, my mother picks them up from school and they stay at her house til parents get home.

Yes, I am am a little jealous, and so are my kids, plus we think it is weird that neighbours kids photos are framed and up next to our photos! She talks to them like a grandma, I heard them on the phone together, she says the stuff a grandmas says. My mother talks about them all the time, she goes to their assemblies and shows at school, like a grandma would. I told my mother to stop going on about them!!

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

I told my mother to just tell them to do it once in a while, not regularly, she refused. We argued over it, she says it keeps her occupied, fine but is it not odd to be subsidizing their income?

My concerns;

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits.

My dad is making a huge fuss over it. He says nothing to their faces, but he emails and calls me complaining, the are kids bothering him, in his own house, whining, he wants quiet. He does not like them, thinks they are using my mother. He is disabled and grumpy. He argues with my mother over it. My mother cannot stand him, they never got on, and she said this other family gives her an outlet away from his horrible grumpy company!

I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him but he has given now me the neighbours phone number, he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I? My mother will be really upset if I do though.

I have never met the neighbour or her children, she knows I am avoiding her, I do not want the children there when I visit, as I resent having to entertain them during my limited visit, so I think she must know how I feel. Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 17/04/2018 07:29

Your mum is stuck in a loveleless marriage with a cantankerous partner. For whatever reason, she's been moved away from her family and friends. She's managed to find some new friends and kids to bring smiles, laughter and youthful joy into her life. If either you, her husband or anyone else tries to deny her this chink of light in her otherwise gloomy life i hope she tells you to fuck off.

Midge1978 · 17/04/2018 08:36

Op I'm actually on your side. Sounds like they are taking advantage of your mum and giving her a huge responsibility whether she acknowledges this or not. It's only natural to worry about her wellbeing especially if you're hearing about it non stop from your father. How can you continuously ignore his concerns? You are in a difficult position, bearing the burden of your parents' marriage problems and being so far away and I don't blame you if you do sometimes resent the fact they chose to move away and have now found a surrogate family who seem to be causing more issues. It must also be a worry if one of them gets seriously ill and you can't be there.

You've probably had a lifetime of trying to fix your parents problems and it's hard to break those habits. You obviously love them both but for your own sake you need to mentally take a step back from this, acknowledge what you can and can't realistically do. You can't stop your mum doing what she wants to do, all you can do is encourage your dad to say how he feels and find some kind of compromise. Like she goes to their house one of the two days. Keep an eye on how your mum is by gently asking tactful questions, she is more likely to be honest with you if she's not afraid of your reaction. I understand your annoyance totally but I think other posters are right - she has a desire to care for others and they are fulfilling that desire. Maybe she's regretting the decision to leave you and your family and they're filling that void.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 17/04/2018 08:56

I can see your concerns.... and in some way, there are lots of people who do take advantage of the kindness of others.. I have been in situations where I was doing a friend a favour and when I tried to say I couldn't do it any longer, it was hard and my friend found it difficult to accept. 6 hours a day, twice a week is quite an amount of care to be providing. Finding the right way to gently suggest to both parties that they need to keep an eye on things without offending anyone is difficult... tricky waters to navigate.

Namechange128 · 17/04/2018 11:59

@Forgivenessisdivine - how is it 6 hours a day twice a week? After school until 7 is surely 4 hours max and that's assuming she collects them, otherwise if they walk to hers it'll be more like 3-3.5 hours, so 7 hours total per week. And if she's happy, the kids are happy, neighbours are happy, why suggest anything to anyone? If she gets gifts and thanks from the neighbours it might be the most thanks and feeling of being important that she has in her life, between a fairly controlling husband and daughter...

ForgivenessIsDivine · 17/04/2018 12:01

@Namechange128 she said upthread that school finishes at 1pm where her mother lives..

Loandbeholdagain · 17/04/2018 12:04

My mum has done this in similar circumstances. To be honest I found it really really hurtful and rejected that she has chosen these children and not my children. She barely knows my children. No answers and yes yes she is her own person but it does hurt. Flowers

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2018 12:07

I agree with let it go but you should also tell your dad if he could be nicer to your mum about it the house might be better. And that he isn’t coming running to you because he doesn’t like that she has something to do, I’m sure she has put up with lots of decisions from him.

Sillybilly1234 · 17/04/2018 12:11

Are you worried the neighbours will steal your inheritance money?

Weezol · 17/04/2018 12:30

Silly Good grief - that never even crossed my mind.

DotForShort · 17/04/2018 12:36

I think your mom sounds wonderful. She apparently has a strong friendship with the parents and feels great affection for the children (and they for her). The situation has been ongoing for two years and clearly brings her considerable joy. Returning to her country of origin after 40 years abroad can’t have been easy. But she has forged strong bonds and has created a community for herself. More power to her.

OTOH, you and your dad sound like a pair of dogs in the manger. You want your mom all to yourselves (even though you aren’t even present and your dad doesn’t have a good relationship with her) and to dictate whom she can spend time with, whom she is allowed to talk about. For heaven’s sake! She is a woman in her own right, not an extension of you and your dad. In your shoes I’d be telling Dad I didn’t want to hear about their marital problems. I certainly wouldn’t attempt to influence her to drop her friends or “compromise” (i.e., do what he wants).

ventia · 17/04/2018 15:02

A few people were saying that they had nobody else over there - just the neighbour, no this is their old home town, they have other people around. My mother has her sister who is disabled and she visits her, and she also has cousins nearby. I did not mention it before, but the cousins do not like the neighbour, due to them knowing her and some stuff about her, and this was long before my parents moved or I even had heard of her, the neighbour does not talk to her own family either because of this stuff (apparently she is a home wrecker). The cousins say the neighbour descended on my mother as soon she arrived and put my mother against the cousins.
I got all this told to me by a 3rd party so I am on the fence, but I did notice that my mother bad-mouths her cousins, who she used to adore over minor things, but the sun shines out of the neighbours bum. The cousins would have provided friendship to my mother, but now hardly see her, but she gets the odd invitation from them. They still care but are a little peeved and think she is being used.

OP posts:
freshstart24 · 17/04/2018 15:31

You cannot (and more importantly should not) be dictating how your mum sounds her time. She is an adult, with full mental capacity.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/04/2018 15:34

Grandmotherly-style love is not a finite resource. Your mother finding joy and affection for someone else's children does not mean that anything is taken away from your children.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/04/2018 15:35

Oh, and being blood-related to someone isn't the be-all and end-all of any relationship, either.

Piffle11 · 17/04/2018 15:53

I think the problem here is more your dad, not the neighbours. You only have his word on how much exerting your mum is doing, and he has a vested interest in painting the worst picture ... same about how the children behave around him. I understand you might be jealous, but surely this situation is better than your mum being lonely and ringing you up complaining all the time? I think you need to make it clear to your dad that he needs to have a word if he's not happy, and make sure he knows he can't be coming to stay with you as a solution. My DM was in a similar situation when we were children but the other way around: we were the kids being babysat once every week by a neighbour, and we went to her house for dinner after school another evening. Her family lived hundreds of miles away. She was a bit like a gran to us and she was wonderful. My parents kept an eye on her the whole time she lived there, and when she went into a care home they visited her every week. We knew she wasn't 'ours', but we loved borrowing her every now and then!

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 16:13

OP - ‘AIBU?’
Everyone - ‘yes very!’
OP - ‘changes story’
Everyone - ‘yep still BU’
OP - ‘changes story’
Everyone - ‘doesn’t matter, you’re still BU’
OP - ‘changes story’

Why even ask anything on here if you just want people to join in on yours and your dads jealousy and spitefullness?

ventia · 17/04/2018 16:17

I asked my mother, so what if you do not feel well or do not feel like doing it on any given day, her reply was, that would be a problem, there is no real back-up plan and the neighbour would have to try and scramble to get someone else to do it like a school friends mother, but the implication was that they come first. My dad does not like the idea of her 'working' for them. My dad does care about her, but he is selfish and has a vested interest in her health or he will be well and truly stuffed without her. He needs to be nicer to her, and I have told him that for years, she has now got to the point where she just tells him to shut up if he says anything about it and then he goes nuts. I called my dad back today, and told him to leave me out of it, and he said fine, but I know it will flare up again pretty much immediately.

OP posts:
ventia · 17/04/2018 16:24

@Greenyogagirl
If you think I changed story fine. I would never be spiteful to my mother, I would do anything for her. It is complicated, as I have a dad too in the mix. You said I agreed with my dad in OP. I retracted that and said I saw his POW, but you will not go for that. I am anon on here, and I know my intentions, so I am interested in the more useful comments....

OP posts:
DotForShort · 17/04/2018 16:24

He doesn't like the idea of her 'working' for them? Well, she isn't working for them, even in inverted commas. She clearly has a friendship with them, enjoys spending time with the children, and it doesn't matter a whit whether that meets the approval of her husband (who sounds insufferable, BTW).

All the attempts to discredit this family, through third-hand gossip, do nothing to support your position IMO. Your mom still sounds wonderful to me. I'm glad her friends appreciate her.

ventia · 17/04/2018 16:28

Oh that part is not gossip, it is true, but I was just mentioning the reason why other people related to her have been steering clear. Which is a shame, as they are the people she moved to be nearby to.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 16:56

It’s just you said you agree with him and then said you didn’t.
You said you were worried for your mums health but wouldn’t be worried if it was your kids.
I honestly think it’s jealousy which I do understand but unless you can go and see her more often I’m not sure how you can elleviate it

Morsecode · 17/04/2018 17:11

And now we've reached the chapter where the neighbour is a homewrecker and a vulture. What's the next instalment, I can hardly wait. And more importantly, when will the OP be honest with herself and admit that she sees her mother as her property to do as she pleases, and her concerns are based on spite and jealousy? So much angst will be avoided if OP recognises and deals with her own feelings instead of ruining her mother's old age.

ventia · 17/04/2018 17:11

I agree with dad if he thinks she should maybe do less or not be on an obligation.
I do not agree with him if he wants this family banished, as I am not against them, I want the benefits of them to outweigh the negs...
clearer?
.
Jealousy, sorry if I am honest, like I said, I am anon here, yes a bit, my kids pics and paintings mixed in with the neighbours ones on wall, feels odd, and my own kids felt it too.

I would not leave my kids with her twice a week at her age now. When I said 'my own kids', I meant I do not feel it would be odd to do that much for her own grand-kids (maybe when she was younger)
.
People have mentioned they had similar experiences with neighbours as children, but none of them described the extent that I have seen in her household. I never quite got the info on who suggested the arrangement of after school. If my mother suggested it then fine, but she never admitted she did. She is mentally capable but very kind, she also gets in my business (without me asking) and comments alot! so I can comment on this one thing surely! but maybe it is different the other way round. As parents get older, you get more protective.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 17:15

it must be difficult but blood doesn’t make you family and I know quite a few people who have similar arrangements with friends.
As for her age, the more you do the healthier you will age, keeping her mind and body active is a great thing to do.
It’s been 2 years, I’m sure she’s capable of saying no but obviously (from the photos etc) feels like they’re family.

Morsecode · 17/04/2018 17:17

You do not need to zoom in on every conversation she's had. The more you write, the more your nasty attitude shows and the more it appears that your mum is well shot of you if she scarpered to another country.

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