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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mother is being granny to strangers!

185 replies

ventia · 16/04/2018 20:15

Parents went abroad, back to their own EU country after living in UK for 40 years, I visit twice a year and take my family over. We are in contact by phone once a week, for chats.

They have neighbours, who work full-time til late, the lady has become a very good friend with my mother and the kids are now going to my mothers house after school and have dinner there and are picked up around 7pm twice a week, the other days they have a childminder. If they are at school and sick, my mother picks them up from school and they stay at her house til parents get home.

Yes, I am am a little jealous, and so are my kids, plus we think it is weird that neighbours kids photos are framed and up next to our photos! She talks to them like a grandma, I heard them on the phone together, she says the stuff a grandmas says. My mother talks about them all the time, she goes to their assemblies and shows at school, like a grandma would. I told my mother to stop going on about them!!

Neighbours do nice things for her, give gifts, invite her to dinner and are around if anything were to happen to her I suppose.

I told my mother to just tell them to do it once in a while, not regularly, she refused. We argued over it, she says it keeps her occupied, fine but is it not odd to be subsidizing their income?

My concerns;

My mum is not in great health, she needs to take it easier. I know her limits.

My dad is making a huge fuss over it. He says nothing to their faces, but he emails and calls me complaining, the are kids bothering him, in his own house, whining, he wants quiet. He does not like them, thinks they are using my mother. He is disabled and grumpy. He argues with my mother over it. My mother cannot stand him, they never got on, and she said this other family gives her an outlet away from his horrible grumpy company!

I told my dad? what do you expect me to do, I agree with him but he has given now me the neighbours phone number, he said why don't you contact her and tell her to lay off? should I? My mother will be really upset if I do though.

I have never met the neighbour or her children, she knows I am avoiding her, I do not want the children there when I visit, as I resent having to entertain them during my limited visit, so I think she must know how I feel. Maybe it is just too good a deal to care.

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/04/2018 21:34

My parents play this game with me. I tell them to sort it out themselves. They each try to get me and my siblings on their side or set us up against each other.

InfiniteSheldon · 16/04/2018 21:35

*Your mum is lovely but your dad sounds awful! Why would you even consider conspiring with him to derail your mother's life?! Shocking.

You and your dad need to take long, hard looks at yourselves - or move in together. How mean you both are*

Well said

Bluelady · 16/04/2018 21:35

You really only seem that be able to see his side. It seems to me that you and your dad think the world revolves round him, now your mum's making it clear it doesn't and neither of you like it. Don't interfere, it's not your business.

ventia · 16/04/2018 21:35

different scenario, but if my husband had his friend for example round 2 afternoons a week, every week, then I would not want that. Why, because I wouldnt, I just like my own privacy at home. His mate can come round once in a while no problem whatsoever....

OP posts:
Morsecode · 16/04/2018 21:38

It's not your husband or your home, it's other people's - the fact that they are your parents doesn't mean you own them. It just won't sink in, will it OP?

Bluelady · 16/04/2018 21:40

I hate these threads.

MN is unanimous "You're wrong"

OP "yes but, no but I'm riiiiight!".

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/04/2018 21:43

I agree with ILostItInTheEarlyNineties, your dad is manipulating you to get at his wife. If he doesn't like what your mum is doing, then it's up to him to discuss it with her, or end the marriage.

Next time he complains or makes threats, helpfully offer to phone Jeremy Kyle to sort it out.

YourWinter · 16/04/2018 21:44

My mum did this, though she was widowed at 65 and had nearly 30 years afterwards with time to spend as she pleased. Between helping with the 'old people' at the day centre, getting their shopping and lottery tickets ( ! ), She was surrogate granny / dog sitter / guinea pig feeder for several lucky families.

incywincybitofa · 16/04/2018 21:45

There are differences Venetia
I assume you enjoy your husband's company and he has responsibilities to your young family your mum doesn't have those things.
You aren't showing anything else out there that brings her any sort of joy or pleasure except this.

honeyroar · 16/04/2018 21:45

Your mum sounds happy and active. Better that way than grumbling about neighbours that she hates or her having nothing to tell you about.. Your dad sounds a bit like mine, he grumbles and plants seeds in your mind, then you get all over involved, start an arguement with next door, and then he says he wasn't that upset by it. He's an adult, he's got the neighbour's number - he can ring himself if it's bothering him..

I can understand why you'd feel a bit jealous, but hopefully this family think the world of your mum and would be there for her if she needed them. You might thank your lucky stars for them one day if your mum ever got ill and you couldn't get there.. Try and let it go over you - your mum still thinks the world of you and your children, I'm sure.

Mummysmaison · 16/04/2018 21:47

We have friends on their 70's who have 'adopted' us and treat my girls like grandchildren. Its lovely.

I think your parents sound fab!

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 21:47

Well you must be very odd if seeing someone twice a week is a massive deal, I’ve got friends I see every day!

YourWinter · 16/04/2018 21:49

sorry addition as I posted too soon...
My mother would never have had other people's children around when my father was alive, although she would have loved to. He didn't much like having to see kids he was related to (he died before mine were born).

Badcat666 · 16/04/2018 21:49

Also why should she have to go somewhere else? It's her bloody house as well!

She is not a commodity, she is a human being. Let her be happy and maybe tell your dad to stop being such a grumpy bastard. Being disabled doesn't mean you have to stay in doors everyday all day expecting your partner to do what you want of them. Can't he find his own hobbies by accessing disabled groups near them?

roseannabanana · 16/04/2018 21:51

When I lived on a different continent for four years as a child, we had some neighbours who became our surrogate grandparents. It's not unusual.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 16/04/2018 21:53

I can understand how you feel but I live abroad, in an area which has many different nationalities living side by side, many families with no parents near by and many older people who's families live far away. I have seen some beautiful relationships develop in this way, where families adopt a grandma or older women take on the care they would like to provide for their own families and do it for another family.

It is hard not to feel jealous and it is also tempting to get involved when clearly your father wishes you to.. but it is not your place. As for the jealousy.... cherish the love you have in your relationship with your mother and allow her joy in her daily life rather than sadness pining for you and your children between skype calls and visits.

ventia · 16/04/2018 21:54

I think you assume I am on my dads side. I was just giving his POW. I actually am on my mothers side on most things.
I do not particularly like my dad, and he is rude to my mum.
Maybe because I am the quiet type, I would not like people in my shared home, that I had not invited, so I sympathize with just that point with my dad, pretty much everything else he ever says is BS..

Anyway, I will just leave it and try not to engage. She has had a number of hospital appointments though, so I need to keep a close eye that she is not frazzled and this is not a factor.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 21:56

In your first post you said you agree with him

StillMe1 · 16/04/2018 21:57

OP I suppose it could be said that I am acting "Granny" to children who are not blood related to me. I enjoy the children's company and I am happy with what I do. I do not feel taken advantage of, more happy that the parents trust me with their children.
I do have children of my own and grandchildren too. M own children are not happy with me because I wont bow to demand. I am now refusing to be used by my own children as a babysitter, because I was only ever a babysitter and money supplier to them. Whereas the other families and young children treat me like a friend. My own children never go shopping with me, I go shopping and out with the other families. The other family do not criticise me or raise voices to me. In years my children have never said anything supportive. Even worse there is no physical contact i.e. an arm round me or a pat on the shoulder unless it was t physically hurt me.
OP I think your mum is a saint. She has a grumpy husband in the house with her all day every day and a daughter far away who complains about what goes on in her mother's life. I am not as enduring as your mum, I rebelled and my children are not at all happy with that. Your mum is no doubt still supplying your dad with meals. a clean house and fresh laundry. Maybe he should consider that before his next grumpy outburst.

incywincybitofa · 16/04/2018 21:57

Also be aware that this maybe helping her through medical worries if she has no one supportive around. A fine balance I am sure.

Doubletrouble99 · 16/04/2018 22:04

I am wondering if a solution to this is that your mum looks after these children in their own home so they don't disturb your dad and she can play with them then as much as she likes when you are not there.

ventia · 16/04/2018 22:04

no I do not agree with him. I see his POW

I think a compromise would be best, but I am going to leave it, but it will never get solved and will cause arguments, stress, and I would not be surprised a stroke or 2!

I like the idea of these people but I am not keen on the actual timetable.

My mother HAS to be there, nobody else is on those 2 days, it is a responsibility. If she was sick those 2 days, she would still not let them down. I know her. It is not just my dad that concerns me, my main concern is my mum.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 22:11

But you said you agree with him.....
It’s obviously a responsibility she wants, would you be so ‘concerned’ if it was your kids she spent two afternoons a week with?

WallisFrizz · 16/04/2018 22:12

I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t be happy if my DH suddenly decided to become a free childminder two afternoons a week, every week. Especially if I was retired and had done my child rearing years, even more so if I was disabled and my home was my sanctuary and I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to.

I don’t think your dad is behaving well but I think your mum should look after the kids in their own house at least one of the days.

Morsecode · 16/04/2018 22:16

The issue would still be the same whoever's side you slide to next. She is old enough to decide whether she feels needed or taken advantage of. Nothing for you to get worked up about.

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