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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has it already started so early?

176 replies

Barbarella2019 · 16/04/2018 15:52

So my 10year old dd was told this morning by a 13 year old boy at the park to "shut up bitch" because she dared to say she was better than him at some sports. She is very sporty and self confident..
I was thinking of a good come back phrase when this came from her mouth directly to the boy: you shut up please, you are just trying to undermine me but it doesn't work!
OMG 😲
I was so happy 😁 initially but then I thought I should teach her to be humble? The boy was rude though...and afterwards she was upset... so I feel justified to think she did the right thing.

Why do I always feel that as a girl she shouldn't show such attitude? I am so torn here. Tell me that I am wrong....

OP posts:
Lovesagin · 17/04/2018 12:46

High horse you've just actually reminded me that ds1 wasn't invited to his girl mates pamper party she had for her 11th birthday, even though he was really looking forward to having his nails painted (Grin) and face masks etc because he was a "boy and boys are too ugly to come to my pamper party", he was absolutely crushed :(

But yes, totally normal I think tbh. As adults we appreciate variety in our friendships, young children are still learning, let's not write them off as sexist arseholes just yet over something like football/pamper parties

clumsyduck · 17/04/2018 12:47

And this "he's a child " attitude is also baffling given that we are posting on a parenting forum which is continually full of posters seeking and giving advice on bringing up there dc from the very mundane and probably insignificant choices through to the bigger decisions all id assume because parents generally are trying to do the best for their kids and bring them up in a way that gradually shapes them into the best adults they can be .
And yet here we are flatly denying that teenagers displaying sexist behaviour and using mysognistic language could possibly grow up to be sexist mysognistic men within the next 5 years

Madness

Genderwitched · 17/04/2018 12:49

you catch more flies with honey

Keep your head down and never boast in case you get a smack in the mouth

Things I will never tell my daughter. Urgh

Lovesagin · 17/04/2018 12:52

Oh ffs, you know, I thought "should I add a disclaimer about the flies/honey phrase that I'm NOT trying to make out that she should be meek etc"

Looks like I should have.

I did not mean it in that way at all, I actually meant perhaps she could have said "well let me p!ay and I'll show you how good I am" (or whatever).

Believe me, I am the LAST person you will find suggesting a female should put up and shut up. Fuck that.

Strugglingtodomybest · 17/04/2018 12:57

shegot totally agree . It's actually painful to read to be honest I can't work out whether people (predominately women at that !) really can't understand the sexism at play here or they just don't want to ?

Me too.

brokeForYou · 17/04/2018 13:41

Oh come on! My daughter had two friends over last night. I heard them telling my son they didn’t want him to come in the room and play with them “because you’re a stinky boy”.

But that's because of his toxic masculinity.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 17/04/2018 14:18

It's amazing how much your story has changed from your first post OP Hmm

SundayGirls · 17/04/2018 14:38

Barbarella if this was a Monday morning, why weren't they all in school? Confused surely it's not still Easter break where you are?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 14:57

Barbarella if this was a Monday morning, why weren't they all in school? confused surely it's not still Easter break where you are?

I'm sure the OP will clarify, but there were several schools holding inset days around here on Monday.

Lethaldrizzle · 17/04/2018 15:13

I'd be ok with my dd being called a 'smelly girl' (in ref to the stinky boy quote) but absolutely not a bitch. Mothers of sons have to teach these boys that this kind of language is not acceptable

Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 17/04/2018 15:45

I did say up thread that it was Sunday not Monday.
I had written the post on on Sunday but then didn't manage to post ... then I posted it yesterday but forgot to edit it.

Not sure I have changed the story ... I just said pretty much what happened... I didn't want to do a massive initial post and I didn't want to drip feed.
But that's difficult to manage for me.
You are welcome to believe me or not... why should I make this up I am not sure

OP posts:
SundayGirls · 17/04/2018 15:47

Fair enough Shegot, it must be both the primary and a secondary having the same inset day, usually they vary with individual schools but not always I guess.

DragonMummy1418 · 17/04/2018 16:03

Fantastic that she stood up for herself!
Be very very proud of her!

mathanxiety · 18/04/2018 04:25

...he had been very nice to her while i was buying him the ice cream by the way! Telling her he had a little sister...

Is this the same boy who didn't want DD joining the game because she is 'rubbish'?

The little sister bit is pretty weird.

How much older than her age does DD look, Barbarella?

KC225 · 18/04/2018 06:18

He shouldn't have said that to her but no one loves smug.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/04/2018 07:12

No this is about right.

Dd has had mouth off boys in park

Boys say they are better at stuff and refusing to include the girls.

It's mildly amusing however when they take one look at her make an assumption and get that smug look about themselves. Which they soon lose when they take a hockey ball to the shin, when she's the last one standing in dodgeball, and she catches them out in rounders or cricket.

If they can't behave themselves they shouldn't be allowed tbh. It's not clever.

SD1978 · 18/04/2018 07:39

The drip feed makes it sound like this is more a hypothetical than reality. Initially complete stranger your daughter approached to play tells your daughter she’s a bitch. Now the ball is your DD’s friend- ostensibly making the friend the ‘owner’ of the game as their ball, their game. Kids were strangers, but actually small village so know each other from playing and church.......this was a maximum drip feed to add more facets for support. The use of butch was not on. DD’s friend isn’t much of a friend for not explaining their ball, their game either IMO. She had every right to ask to play. He had the right (even though not his ball, not his game, and game must have started with DD’s friend as it’s their ball) he shouldn’t have called her names. That isn’t acceptable

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/04/2018 07:42

Hi OP - I have spent my life trying to avoid confrontation, it's exhausting! Good on your DD

Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 18/04/2018 08:45

mathanxiety
Dd is nearly 11 ... by she could easily pass for 12. The boy is 13 but still quite small.

HOWEVER he knows she is still at primary school as he was at the same school. They were talking about school teachers actually and he mentioned he had a sister 2 years below DD. I thought it was normal chit chat. Why do you find it strange?

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 18/04/2018 08:50

SD1978

You sound like you think I am preparing a crime scene and now working on my alibi.

You are welcome to believe me or not...not sure what I would get to make things up?

For me it is what happened, this is the world of 10 years old and maybe her friend felt intimidated and wanted to fit in with the older boys? I am not blaming him... how could I... they are all kids and behaved in a childish way.... what struck me was the use of the word bitch referred to a young girl at such a young age. Also.. how could such a nice boy suddenly turn nasty.. I was speechless and didn't react and I am a grown up

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/04/2018 08:12

So a little more dripfeeding.

My point remains - don't let your 10 yo girl who is tall for her age play ball or hang out with boys who are three years older, or being called a bitch is going to be the least of her worries (and not through any fault of hers but the fault of the culture that generates the sense of male entitlement that results in sexual abuse of varying degrees). Another year and she will be 11 and maybe still taller than average, and those boys will be 14. There is an enormous difference between kids of those ages depending on when puberty hits.

Boys in a group say and do things to impress each other that you might not see in them as individuals. This is especially true of boys around puberty though many never grow out of this. They stay silent as one calls a girl a bitch even though they all have sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers that they are fond of. With age does not come maturity or any indication of leaving cave man ways behind, as you may have noticed if you have been following the Northern Ireland rugby rape story.

2andcountingtodate · 21/04/2018 09:51

I really hate the whole 'girls cant play mentality' goes in line with using 'like a girl' as a jeer. Reminds me of those adverts- sanitary ones?

No one should be boastful (not saying she was, just general) however kids usually are. Girls should not have to agree they are rubbish or be nice or sweet to cajole boys when they are insulted or laughed at. That way leads to fucked up 18 year olds, one who thinks they can be rude or jeering to their girlfriend and one who laps it up from her boyfriend thinking its the norm to be treated badly.

In your dds case OP i would probably talk to her about all this. It probably would have been better to say 'why dont you play me and find out' though that may have ended in 'you chicken?' Given kids 😂. Hopefully then she would have played, proved that she is good and challenged his perceptions. But she is just 10 so not surprising she didnt think strategically. Sad that you have to think that way sometimes...

BewareOfDragons · 21/04/2018 09:56

I would have been proud of my DD.

Girls are allowed to be better than boys at things.
Girls are allowed to say they are better than other individuals, boys or girls, at things.
You are holding your DD back by not letting her speak up for herself and wanting her to be 'nice'.

Stop raising girls to be 'nice'.

Tartanscarf · 21/04/2018 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peacheachpearplum · 21/04/2018 10:17

Tartanscarf, that sums it up well.