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AIBU?

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Original poster

Has it already started so early?

176 replies

Barbarella2019 · 16/04/2018 15:52

So my 10year old dd was told this morning by a 13 year old boy at the park to "shut up bitch" because she dared to say she was better than him at some sports. She is very sporty and self confident..
I was thinking of a good come back phrase when this came from her mouth directly to the boy: you shut up please, you are just trying to undermine me but it doesn't work!
OMG 😲
I was so happy 😁 initially but then I thought I should teach her to be humble? The boy was rude though...and afterwards she was upset... so I feel justified to think she did the right thing.

Why do I always feel that as a girl she shouldn't show such attitude? I am so torn here. Tell me that I am wrong....

OP posts:
drspouse · 17/04/2018 09:49

"Not wanting" her to join in?
"Just" calling her a bitch?

If you don't want someone to join in you say "we don't want you to play" but it seems clear that as the only girl present she was being excluded on grounds of being a girl.
That is not OK in itself.

It IS a boy/girl thing.
If the larger group had been all girls they wouldn't have wanted to exclude one girl from playing.
If the OP's child had been a boy and the larger group was boys they wouldn't have excluded him either.
If the OP's child had been a boy but had still said "I'm better than you" then the older child would not have called him a b*tch.

Elendon · 17/04/2018 09:50

I'm conflicted about this thread. You want your daughter to be humble but at the same time expect her to be proud of her achievements. It's an impossible ask of a ten year old.

I would be most unhappy to raise a child who called someone younger than them a bitch.

Strugglingtodomybest · 17/04/2018 09:51

I'm really surprised by some of the replies here. OP's DD didn't start this exchange, she tried to join in a footie match and was told she couldn't, apparently for no other reason than she a girl, and then when she told the boy that actually, she's better at football than him, she gets 'shut up bitch' and she's the one in the wrong? Eh?

I have 2 boys, aged 11 and 13, and if either of them talked to a 10 year old girl like this I would be having strong words with them, let alone if they were leaving her out based on her sex!

jellycat1 · 17/04/2018 09:53

If the OP's child had been a boy but had still said "I'm better than you" then the older child would not have called him a b*tch.

No, but chances are they'd probably have called him a twat or something equally as horrible.

pigmcpigface · 17/04/2018 09:53

No, fuck's sake, NO to teaching her to be humble. This bullshit about women being nice, self-effacing, shrinking violets is where a load of abusive shit starts. Her reply wasn't rude, and it wasn't even bragging. All she said was 'Your attempt to undermine me won't work' - she called the boy out on his attempt to reduce her confidence. If that's defined as over-confidence in this day and age, then I find that very sad. Why should she automatically say that a boy is better than her, just because he's a boy?

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2018 09:53

I’m not convinced she was boasting, just trying to justify why she should be included in a footie game after being told she couldn’t because she wouldn’t be any good.

MoggyP · 17/04/2018 09:55

"apparently for no other reason than she a girl"

So that she's 3 years younger and not part of the friendship group aren't relevant?

DC should have learned by age 10 that if the answer to joining in (with a group of older strangers) is 'no' that means they cannot join in.

No means no, including from boys.

She should not have goaded them at that point, though her frustration is understandable. He should not have sworn, but teen boys not having perfect manners is also understandable.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/04/2018 09:55

Op has no notion of teaching her dd to be humble. She wanted a round of applause for her ballsy "awesomeness".

MoggyP · 17/04/2018 09:56

"Why should she automatically say that a boy is better than her, just because he's a boy?"

She shouldn't. But she didn't actually need to say anything at all, if she accepts that no means no.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2018 09:59

"you can't play you're no good"

"well i'm better than you are'

if that was two boys it would just be put down as bare bantz and all part of the psychology of the game, rather than the respondent being unpleasant and uppity and asking for a smack in the mouth and all the other depressing shit the ones on here who've well and truly drunk the patriarchal kool aid are wittering on about.

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2018 10:02

This should have been sorted with a penalty shoot-out anyway Grin

Strugglingtodomybest · 17/04/2018 10:05

"apparently for no other reason than she a girl"

So that she's 3 years younger and not part of the friendship group aren't relevant?

Not really no. Not in my view anyway. And although she wasn't friends with that particular boy, she was friends with other boys who were playing. The boy didn't tell the others, boys, that wanted to join in that they couldn't did he? If he had, it wouldn't be an issue.

MumofBoysx2 · 17/04/2018 10:07

Good on her! I would be proud of that.

annawoolfworries · 17/04/2018 10:08

She deserved it OP. Hmm jeez some posters depress me here. Basically let boys say what they like to you, don't stand up for yourself and put up with abuse if you are female.

peacheachpearplum · 17/04/2018 10:10

Maybe 13 year old boys are uncomfortable playing with 10 year old girls as they will be blamed if she gets hurt in a tackle? I think there used to be an age limit for mixed teams but maybe not relevant now.

peacheachpearplum · 17/04/2018 10:12

If the OP's child had been a boy and the larger group was boys they wouldn't have excluded him either How do you know that? I think 13 year old don't always want 10 year olds playing as it is a big gap at that age.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 10:16

Out of all the comments on this thread, basically amounting to a 10 year old deserving to be called a bitch for saying she's better than a boy, this one still is awful to read:

Maybe you should explain to her why bragging and showboating like this isn't a good idea? Preferably before she encounters someone even less pleasant and gets a smack in the mouth

Shut up about yourself or get smacked.

There are several comments that say she should have shut up. That the boy was in wrong, but the girl being challenging to him 'in front of his mates' basically meant that he was pushed into calling her a bitch. It wasn't his fault, not really. Not when a 10 year old girl was trying to speak up for herself.

I can't get my around some of the attitudes on this thread. Would you seriously all like our DD's to learn to shut up about their achievements and things they're good at even if it means saying they're better than a boy just so they don't get called names?

What a bloody life lesson, eh?

peacheachpearplum · 17/04/2018 10:18

Do you think a ten year old should understand that she can't automatically be accepted into a friendship group doing an activity she hasn't been invited to join? If she was playing with a group of ten year old girls and a 13 year old boy said he was joining in would she be forced to accept that? I don't think so.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 10:19

Maybe 13 year old boys are uncomfortable playing with 10 year old girls as they will be blamed if she gets hurt in a tackle?

Ah yes, of course, that will be why he called her a 'bitch.'

Thank goodness there are plenty of posters to explain why the boy did nothing wrong and all was that pesky 10 year old girl's fault for saying she was better than them.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 10:21

Do you think a ten year old should understand that she can't automatically be accepted into a friendship group doing an activity she hasn't been invited to join? If she was playing with a group of ten year old girls and a 13 year old boy said he was joining in would she be forced to accept that? I don't think so

That's not the issue, really. I'm not suggesting she should have been allowed to join in. I'm not sure anyone is? I might have missed it upthread though.

peacheachpearplum · 17/04/2018 10:26

We have a third hand account of what was said it probably got heated and no he shouldn't have said bitch but there are faults on both sides.

My son was 6'2" at 13 and I know he wouldn't have been comfortable playing football with a group of mates and then a 10 year old girl decided she was joining in, welcome or not. It would completely change the game. He would happily play with children much younger than 10 but that wouldn't be in a kickabout with a crowd of other 13 year olds. Would he have called her a bitch? I hope not but if she wouldn't take no for an answer he would probably have made it clear to her that she wasn't going to play.

AuntieStella · 17/04/2018 10:34

"Would you seriously all like our DD's to learn to shut up about their achievements and things they're good at even if it means saying they're better than a boy just so they don't get called names?"

In some circumstances, no, I would say she should not shut up.

But when she is essentially name-calling because she didn't like being told 'no' then yes, she needs to learn that she is being bloody rude, and that being bloody rude to strangers is a risky activity.

She asked to join in, and was told 'no'

That is where it should have ended.

If my DD had them started belittling the person who told her no, I would be telling her to stop being so nasty. But then again, I don't see that a group of 13yos should have to play with an unknown 10yo unless they want to. And these ones didn't.

Younger DC are not always welcome by a group of older ones, and she needs to understand that she cannot force them to agree to her joining in. And she should not sulk and resort to taunting when someone doesn't consent (and yes, this sort of thing is exactly how DC learn about consent)

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 10:36

peach

I've seen my kids, other people's kids all playing and getting irritated/amused/annoyed when someone wants to join in and they're not - for whatever reason - welcome. It's normal.

Calling a 10 year old child 'a bitch' for saying she's as good/better than them still isn't okay.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 10:45

But when she is essentially name-calling because she didn't like being told 'no' then yes, she needs to learn that she is being bloody rude, and that being bloody rude to strangers is a risky activity

Where did she call the boy a name? What did she say that was 'bloody rude'?

Strugglingtodomybest · 17/04/2018 11:33

I'm not suggesting she should have been allowed to join in. I'm not sure anyone is?

I am Smile
But maybe because I live in a small village where the kids play together in more mixed age groups?

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