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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has it already started so early?

176 replies

Barbarella2019 · 16/04/2018 15:52

So my 10year old dd was told this morning by a 13 year old boy at the park to "shut up bitch" because she dared to say she was better than him at some sports. She is very sporty and self confident..
I was thinking of a good come back phrase when this came from her mouth directly to the boy: you shut up please, you are just trying to undermine me but it doesn't work!
OMG 😲
I was so happy 😁 initially but then I thought I should teach her to be humble? The boy was rude though...and afterwards she was upset... so I feel justified to think she did the right thing.

Why do I always feel that as a girl she shouldn't show such attitude? I am so torn here. Tell me that I am wrong....

OP posts:
claraschu · 17/04/2018 08:58

THE BOY STARTED IT!

He told her she wasn't good- and she answered him in kind.
If my sons, at 13 had had a 10 year old girl join their game, they might have rolled their eyes a bit, thinking she would have got in the way (they have a younger sister, so they were used to this kind of scenario), but they would also have thought it was funny and nice. If she then turned out to be good at football, they would have been deeply impressed.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 17/04/2018 09:04

Oh I see, you're making it a boy/girl thing when actually it is just a 10/13 year old thing. And you're saying it's ok about what your daughter said because she said it to a boy. How would you have felt if she'd said it to a girl. As a mum of three boys and one girl I hate this 'feminism' crap that is actually just 'it's ok to treat boys like shit just because they have a penis'. You are not a good role model for your child, your daughter was a rude jumped up little madam and the boy was also rude.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/04/2018 09:04

funny and nice. That's sweet, but I'm afraid it's not a given that all 13 year old boys are going to find random 10 year old girls endearing, and op will just have to accept that.
The boy was unpleasant, but she wasn't wanted and sometimes that just happens and we have to learn to deal with it.
I don't think the lesson that we are going to be welcomed with open arms everywhere we want to go is a particularly good one, actually.
Nothing to do with not being acceptable or good enough, it's just how life is.
Not everyone is nice.

Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 17/04/2018 09:10

mummabearfoyrbabybears

! 👏🏼 👏🏼
I going to tell her to crawl under a rock now next time somebody says to her you can't join you are rubbish.

you are missing the point ... it for me is of the language used here by a 13 year old. My dd reply was still very childlike. He however decided to shut her a up by calling her a bitch.

You are doing exactly the same. She's unpleasant... because she said she still wanted to join in and stood up for herself...and you don't even know her.
Well done! I am glad I don't know you hopefully in RL...maybe your kids would have reacted the same as the boy as you accept she brought it on herself

OP posts:
mummabearfoyrbabybears · 17/04/2018 09:15

I would have told the boy not to swear. I certainly wouldn't have made it a positive thing for my child. I would have walked away, I don't condone swearing. However I also don't condone people like you praising your child for being rude and making it a gender issue, teaching her it's ok to treat someone badly because they are not a female. Would you have made it a positive issue if the other child was of different skin colour. Thank you for all the patronising clapping. You sound like an awful person, teaching your daughter awful lessons. Walk away and teach her to do the same.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 17/04/2018 09:15

I have a boy and a girl. If either of these were my children i’d have reminded my daughter that boasting is unnecessary & she should have asked to join in and demonstrate her skills. I’d have gone absolutely ballistic at my son for that kind of language towards any girl. He should have given her a chance on the first place but to follow it up with that comment is disgusting.

jellycat1 · 17/04/2018 09:15

They both sound as bad as each other imo. He was horribly rude but sounds like she goaded him. OP your writing style is also goady. Maybe a factor.

Nextloorejext · 17/04/2018 09:17

“Oh I see, you're making it a boy/girl thing when actually it is just a 10/13 year old thing.”

Of course it’s a boy/girl thing. Only the girl was told she couldn’t join as and assumptions made she eould be crap - because she was A GIRL. Snidey little creep, ate the fucking ice cream though.

Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 17/04/2018 09:18

mummabearfoyrbabybears
Sounds you get your kicks by attacking people?
Not sure from where you got that dd behaviour was horrible. You must have a very warped mind.

My dd is still a little girl and anybody calling her a name which means morally lose is a sick teenager in my books!

OP posts:
VikingVolva · 17/04/2018 09:20

Teenage boy uses bad language when goaded, shocker!

Seriously, it really, really shows that you do not yet have a secondary school age DC.

I think your DD was wrong to have started the exchange in that sort of way. He used worse language, but I think your DD was the one who was far ruder/nastier.

DC do get things wrong - they are work in progress. I hope your DD learns that gratuitous judgey comments are unpleasant and provoking, and that she should not make them to strangers. Because it's rude.

That other people also have imperfect manners is something that everyone has to live with. You can only work on the manners and social skills of your own DC though. Perhaps you will listen to those who point out how very gratuitously rude your DD was.

jellycat1 · 17/04/2018 09:20

What does 'morally lose' mean? A bitch is a female dog where I come from.

brokeForYou · 17/04/2018 09:21

I don't mind you ignoring my questions.

I'm happy to keep pointing out your fallacious arguments, changes in story and when you're simply wrong.

bitch doesn't mean "morally lose [sic]".

Nextloorejext · 17/04/2018 09:22

And for reference - i was the only girl who used to play football with the boys in our street- i turned up one day to play when i was 14 to be told by one boy that I couldn’t join in any more, it was time for me to put on a dress and sit with the other girls watching - basically. I was too crushed to say anything and just walked away and never played again.

clumsyduck · 17/04/2018 09:23

Why was he goaded though? He said first she couldn't play football she responded by saying she was better than him . So he threw the first insult and she responded in a normal 10 year old way

Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 17/04/2018 09:24

I think your DD was wrong to have started the exchange in that sort of way. He used worse language, but I think your DD was the one who was far ruder/nastier.

Her reply wasn't gratuitous... she was told you can't join you are rubbish ...

And he had been very nice to her while i was buying him the ice cream by the way! Telling her he had a little sister...

OP posts:
jellycat1 · 17/04/2018 09:28

Sigh.....So why bother starting the thread OP. You've decided that you are definitely not being U so why ask?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/04/2018 09:28

The sick teenager called her morally loose!!!

Honestly, Op, you sound quite deranged now, op, and yet you're suggesting other posters have warped minds Confused

VikingVolva · 17/04/2018 09:29

Yes, it was unwise of her to expect to join in a group of DC she doesn't know. Whether they are playing footie or not, established groups don't want to be joined by children 3 years younger.

Your DD started goading when she started answering back when she was told 'no' They did not consent to her joining in, and she should have accepted that.

Original poster
Barbarella2019 · 17/04/2018 09:31

If you look it up on Wikipedia it says it's referred to women to indicated female dogs on heat with high sexual desire.
Interesting enough bitch is also used for an assertive female....

And some of you guys seem to agree with that.
Do we have any hope?

OP posts:
Inthedeepdarkwinter · 17/04/2018 09:35

Learning when to be mouthy and when to back out is a key skill my 11 year old daughter has had to learn this year starting secondary. Boys aged 13 odd can be quite aggressive and rude, and she's used to being quite cheeky with boys her own age/standing her ground, but has had to learn on the long walk home that sometimes it is better to back out of situations than give it a bit of lip and then take the consequences.

No-one is obliged to let anyone play football, this isn't school or an organized activity, and sadly kids can be mean, excluding and use bad language. My children have experienced similar in local parks. They have to learn to find their way- and no, 'standing up' to 13 year old boys isn't a good idea for younger girls or boys in general. Most children get this and know when to push it and when not, and when to keep their heads down.

It's not very nice, but age related pecking order is hugely important at this age. It may well also be layered with sexism, but a group of 13 year old girls sitting about chatting wouldn't welcome a random 10 year old girl either, usually. It's all about being in the gang, and your dd is going to have to learn these unspoken social rules very quickly if she goes to an ordinary school where bad language/not very pleasant 13 year old boys will abound.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/04/2018 09:37

Nobody thought the boy calling her a bitch was ok. They (we) think she should have accepted being told no, they didn't want her joining in.
Not because she's a girl or a bitch, but because they were 13 year old boys who knew each other and she is a 10 year old girl who knew neither of them.
Would you go over to a table full of friends sitting at a cafe table whom you didn't know and expect to be welcomed into the fold?
Maybe you would...

brokeForYou · 17/04/2018 09:38

I thought you were being all feministy and look at misogyny from such a young age-y but now you equate sexual desire with a lack of morality?

Well, you do attend a local church ...

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2018 09:39

My dd is still a little girl and anybody calling her a name which means morally lose is a sick teenager in my books!

Look, the word bitch is obviously not a pleasant one but I'm not sure it means 'morally loose'.

Children (and lets not forget the 13 year old is a child, only 2 years older than your soon to be 11 year old child), tend to use it all the time.

It doesn't make it acceptable, but 'Bitch please' (for example) is a very common phrase now, used by so many of all ages.

'Morally loose' is a massive leap. I'd say in this instance it loose morals had zero to do with the typically "I'm better than you are" tit for tat spat.

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2018 09:42

'Bitch' is more commonly used to describe a nasty female, OP.

But then again you know that.

If one female was slagging off another, they may be called a bitch or bitchy.

Nothing to do with 'loose morals' at all.

jellycat1 · 17/04/2018 09:44

Exactly worra

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