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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
Suebreo · 17/04/2018 17:36

Try a cricket bat round the back of his head

Michellelovesizzy · 17/04/2018 17:37

i probably be abused for this... my partner is a window fitter and has just started his own business we have 1 child i stay home. he leaves the house at 5 so up at 4:30 and comes home at 8 some times later does this 6 days a week... i get his clothed out 4 him and make sure he has lunch. he had never asked me to do this i just know it maked it easier

KEB123 · 17/04/2018 17:39

The 1940’s called.... they want your husband back

Snowflakeslayer · 17/04/2018 17:39

Your husband is a Grade A bellend. That is borderline abuse. Tell him to get up earlier, stupid shithouse.
I bet he wears a helmet cam when he cycles too.
He's the helmet!!
Ditch him, it's not 1950, and it wasn't acceptable then either!!

margesimpson40 · 17/04/2018 17:40

He doesn't sound like a child to me, children can be sweet and loving. He sounds like a complete twat who doesn't see you as his equal, but as some sort of servant He can push around. I hope for your sale he doesn't behave like this in other areas of the relatiobship, it's the way he's asked tbh too that's put my back up. Sending a hug you're worth so much more

Damsel · 17/04/2018 17:40

is this the example you want to set for your three kids?

YearOfYouRemember · 17/04/2018 17:42

questi0n - you did great. You've opened the box now. Do not get back in it.

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 17:43

Thankyou for all the links and support. I am catching up and reading it all and I'm very grateful. I don't know why it was so difficult for me to challenge him last night. Maybe I'm always in the role of pacifying him so it's hard to go the other way. I'm a bit nervous about him coming in tonight, but to be honest, I always get quite tense when he's coming in because I never know what mood he's going to be in. If he's had a good day, it's such a relief and it's like a weight lifts off me. That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it. Also, I can preempt the kind if things that will irritate him and I find myself tidying up and organising stuff in case it worsens his mood. Not that the house is a mess generally anyway, but I should not be feeling like this and it's not ok. If I can't relax in my own home, when can I?

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 17/04/2018 17:43

OP you are definitely seeing things through different eyes now.

You do know that his suggestion of a weekend away is because he thought "There's the danger of a rebellion here, how can I stop it? I know, I'll book her a weekend away, then a) she can't say I never do anything for her and b) she can't say she doesn't get any time off to enjoy herself and c) in future if she dares to complain about my many and various driving / cycling / whatever it may be holidays with my mates, I can throw this weekend back in her face as proof she gets her time too.

That's not to say you shouldn't take the weekend, but just be aware of the script.

It's also interesting that you're mentioning breakdowns since the talk last night. This might be another of his tactics to keep you at his beck and call - if you don't give me full assistance, I can't take the stress and I'll have a breakdown and then where will we be? In other words, it's just another excuse to get out of having to do anything and keep you under his control.

GreensAreGoodForYou · 17/04/2018 17:44

Totally can imagine my husband doing something similar. It's his and my fault. His because he grew up with a nanny who did this kind of stuff and hasn't managed to shake off the idea that as an adult you take responsibility for your own getting-up process, mine because I enabled his behaviour. If I don't get his breakfast and coffee ready for him the kids are late for school (he takes them on his way to work). I've tried everything to get him up earlier/more organized or prepared but he is always late for everything. So to avoid the kids being late too I do it. I wish I could say I do it out of love or care for him, but it's for the kids! The only way to give him a wake up call that seems to work is me going away and him having to deal with it all alone. But really, he's a child and needs to grow up. We are in therapy so definitely not good role models for other couples!

Mitzimaybe · 17/04/2018 17:45

@snowflakeslayer
RTFT - it's moved on!

Strongmummy · 17/04/2018 17:46

his Inability to switch off from work may of course be a manifestation of anxiety which may also make him “need” this assistance and be so irrational that he thinks it’s reasonable. However, if so, he needs to acknowledge this and get it sorted coz it should not be the norm in your relationship.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 17/04/2018 17:46

No and I definitely wouldn’t put up with it!

CuriousMama · 17/04/2018 17:46

It's good you're questioning your life. And much healthier for dcs in the long run.

Start stomping on those eggshells!

Snowflakeslayer · 17/04/2018 17:48

Good for you, that's your choice, and its called being helpful, which is essential in any good relationship. The situation in the opening thread is a different thing altogether!

russianwife · 17/04/2018 17:50

My husband receives all the assistance he needs in the mornings - then we get out of bed.. after that he does he share with the kids - employing 100s of people is zero excuse for delegation at home.. prat springs to mind

Falkross · 17/04/2018 17:50

I can’t believe how common this sort of behaviour is in 2018 it absolutely baffles me that there are still men out there like this, depending on their wives to wipe their backsides. I even know some women who work and their husbands go on like this, it’s bad enough treating stay at home mums this way. Makes me thankful that I married a grown man and not a manchild who is stuck in another time zone.

phoenix1973 · 17/04/2018 17:50

😂😂😂😂 I'd just laugh and walk off.
My partner used to ask me to sort out his pile of clothing and organise his wardrobe by folding and shelving everything. 😂😂😂😂
I told him to do one and stop being so ridiculous. I'm not his Mama!
Same with the ironing his shirts.🙄

Also his mum gave me an address book with all his distant relatives birthdays in it. Thinking I would be sending out the cards. Lol lol.
If he cba to marry me in 22 years, I'm not doing wifework.

You've got 3 kids, you don't need a fourth.

SinfulRevenge · 17/04/2018 17:51

My DP can act like a 5th child in my household but is fully capable of getting himself ready for work. If he asked for assistance I’d tell him to fuck right off lol.

margesimpson40 · 17/04/2018 17:52

Saw the undiagnosed aspergers comment .... Eh fuck off I have asd in disorganised as hell, but would never treat someone as my slave, I have a support worker who is paid to help me, but I never talk to get like that it even take it for granted. One of the weirdest things I do is to clear my own table in cafes etc ... I even clear other people's when they have left.

Cambionome · 17/04/2018 17:52

Well done for making a start with talking to him.

It might be worth writing down everything that you feel about his behaviour/the situation, and either giving it to him to read or emailing it to him. This will give you a chance to expand on everything without getting upset, and give him a chance to take it on board a bit more. It'll also stop him from being able to say in the future that he "didn't realise" how you felt, or that you'd never explained yourself clearly enough... I've got a feeling that that's the type of thing he'd do!

I'd also agree with pps that when he says "I'm doing it for you" make it very clear that this is not what you want from a relationship or from life in general.

Good luck!

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 17:56

He has already said he will book a weekend away for the two of us because we need this. He claims that he doesn't stop me doing anything and obviously he doesn't physically stop me or say "no you're not going." But it's a pattern we've got into as I never really know when he's coming in day to day because if something comes up he goes with it. Often he'll be overseas for a day to a week at short notice. So it's hard to plan around that, especially as the kids are tired or may have stuff in in the evenings. Also I still feel as if I have to do dinner for him and the kids anyway because even if he's home he wouldn't do that, he would do a "woe is me" and take them out and I would somehow feel guilty about that which I shouldn't do, but I do anyway. So this is what I need to work on.

OP posts:
Payitforward55 · 17/04/2018 17:57

I’m trying to think of a polite way to say this but you are facilitating this enormously dickish behaviour. Tell him to go directly to fuck off and do not pass go. I would actually divorce him for expecting this!

CuriousMama · 17/04/2018 17:58

You're acknowledging the problems. It's an important start. Just don't be pacified.

Belleoverandover · 17/04/2018 17:58

My OH is like this too and I know plenty of people in the same situation. Just be careful the weekend away isn't just a pacifier for you then back to his old ways