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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
cantitbesimpler · 17/04/2018 12:51

You have made real progress OP in seeing how unequal things have become - genuinely well done.

I bet, though, if a friend of yours found herself in a similar situation, you wouldn’t think she had brought a lot of it on herself....

These attitudes are ingrained in our culture and society - gratitude for the male earning role, tolerance of domineering behaviour because of ‘work stress’. In intimate relationships behaviour like this is often tolerated/ignored/let slide because we expect those who love us to have our best interests at heart and not to exploit us. It takes time for decent, loving people to see how bad things are and how selfish their partner is or has become. The problem is not you OP - honestly!

I wish we could stop telling each other and ourselves it’s our fault and use that energy to unite against the real problem.

reachforthewine · 17/04/2018 12:53

I would laugh if my husband said stuff like that to me.

Your husband is lazy.

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 13:02

Yes I think a lot if those "demand" man attributes describe him. He's always been quite entitled looking back, but he's got worse as he's got older. He is a very affectionate person though, I would say that for him.
cantitbesimpler - yes he can have a very domineering vibe about him, definitely and you're absolutely right that he gets away with it under the guise of work stress. There is absolutely no need for him to be working the way he does these days. In fact, the more money he's made, the more stressed he's become. It's not about the money with him, I think he doesn't know any other way to be maybe? Or maybe he thinks if he stops he'll have a breakdown?

OP posts:
Morphene · 17/04/2018 13:03

I know it probably felt awful at the time, but there are some really green shoots of hope in what you've written.

Its clear some points have struck home, even if he isn't really getting it yet in some of his proposed solutions.

Its great you said you needed control of the holiday and its great to point out you don't think he should be proud of showing you off as a waitress. Really strong points you've made.

don't be surprised if it takes a while for this small steps to take serious effect - the direction of travel is important!

OP please please also address the issue of running around after your teenage children too. It is if anything MORE important that they learn to stand on their own feet than your DH. It will also give you a lot of relief from the drudgery.

jamoncrumpets · 17/04/2018 13:04

Is he a product of boarding school, per chance?

AgnesBrownsCat · 17/04/2018 13:05

HA

SilverySurfer · 17/04/2018 13:05

I'm so pleased you've taken the first step on what I suspect will be a very long path. If it helps in any way I hope you will keep posting, there are many women on here who have been where you are who can help and support you on your journey.

Wishing you all the very best.

Morphene · 17/04/2018 13:05

op if all of his self esteem is tied up in his business success it is entirely possible he would have a break down if he stopped. The thing is that carrying on isn't the answer...because sooner or later he will HAVE to cool off, slow down and either stop or retire etc.

What he needs to do is to slowly build up other parts of his life so he is not so mentally dependent on job success.

He needs to learn to see spending time with his children as a success, or enjoying a new hobby, etc.

Work won't always be there for him - the shock will happen whether he wants it to or not. Best he is prepared!

runningoutofjuice · 17/04/2018 13:06

Well done op. Make sure to keep the momentum going, don't let him back out of a follow-up discussion. He probably DOESN'T realise what a selfish self-centered lump he is, but if he is worth anything as a man your discussion last night will have given him cause to reflect.

Gazelda · 17/04/2018 13:09

I'm so pleased you've started to assert yourself.
The weekend away suggestion would piss me off. It seems as though he thinks he just has to throw money at you.
I'm particularly glad that you said he speaks at you. Can you gently point it out to him every time he speaks to you like this in the future? He says he's not aware he does it, so make him aware.

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 13:12

Yes he did go to boarding school when he was 8 because his family moved around as his dad was in the Navy. He was quite distant with his parents in my view.

Morphene - yes that's why I've been happy to facilitate his hobbies because I know he'll need something to fall back on if and when he ever stops working because he can't do nothing and just stay home even for a day.

OP posts:
drspouse · 17/04/2018 13:14

he can't do nothing and just stay home even for a day.

I'm sure there are plenty of things you can find him to do.
Maybe cook for and host a dinner party on a Saturday for example?
I'm sure he can find a magazine article on how to enjoy a dinner party you're cooking for.

jamoncrumpets · 17/04/2018 13:17

He is almost EXACTLY my FiL. I know what you're dealing with now. I expect the in-laws are similar too...

Comtesse · 17/04/2018 13:19

There is something quite horrifying about being treated as a waitress in your own home. How depersonalising! It’s not even nice that he wants to show you off to his colleagues - that implies he’s treating you like an object to be paraded around.

I have no idea what you can do about him, it’s so far outside the norm of what I recognise. But yes yes to PPs who said think about counselling for yourself - who are you, what do you want, what is important to you. That sounds like a very worthwhile exercise.

Good luck to you xx

ToffeeUp · 17/04/2018 13:19

I guess his hobbies are also giving you some respite, no need to walk on eggshells or anticipate his mood, kids can chill out without being called lazy etc.

RoseWhiteTips · 17/04/2018 13:19

Ridiculous.

BakedBeans47 · 17/04/2018 13:21

Well done on speaking to him. I suppose whether it has any impact given his puffed up and misplaced sense of importance remains to be seen.

Expecting you to clear away dishes when he entertains clients and sits on his arse is absolutely appalling. I’m afraid I’d be going out and leaving him to it.

fluffyrobin · 17/04/2018 13:23

Oh gawwd you don't have self entitled lazy dc like my friend's boarding school dc I hope?!

Would never lift a finger to help and metaphorically crap all over the house leaving it all for her to clean up and tidy after them?!

seventh · 17/04/2018 13:24

I don't know how I've put up with it, I really don't.

Maybe , deep down , it's all YOU think you're worth?

SecondRow · 17/04/2018 13:28

Would he listen [I was going to write understand, but he's not stupid, it's about what he wants to hear, not what he's capable of grasping...] if you put it this way:

"You say you want what's best for me, I want you to pay attention to what I myself want, not what you think is best for me."

As in, posh weekend away = big gesture; Thursday night out = what I actually want, no big gesture or kudos for him, probably boring and a minor inconvenience, but does he care that you get to do your thing or does he care how he looks to other people?

StormTreader · 17/04/2018 13:34

"He said, he thought I would like to meet various people he works with, he's proud of me and wants to include me in his life!"

He doesnt want to show them to you, he wants to show you off to them as "the little woman, look how good she is! She doesnt get to meet many people with all the floors she has to clean, bless."

S0upertrooper · 17/04/2018 13:34

@corlan I must be getting old because I thought he was needing help with toileting, washing and dressing!!!

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 13:47

Storm - I don't want to make out like I'm constantly doing housework because I do have a cleaner. But yes, whether he means to patronise me or not is not the point. It is patronising and more so actually if it's all men. He also insists on wheeling the kids out for the obligatory "how's school", "haven't you grown" chat. Even when it's just friends over he does nothing because he does nothing anyway so it would be an act. Even if it's his own relatives. I told him this last night and he said he doesn't want to interfere with me doing my thing and he knows I'm angry but I shouldn't cut my nose off to spite my fave as people think I'm a great cook and I "always seem to enjoy it". He said, if there are specific things he can do, just let him know. But it should be bloody obvious to any dimwit!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 17/04/2018 13:51

So give an example.of when he does something nice with the children ?
Takes some or all.off them off on his own ?

Start .along small changes and stick to them

fluffyrobin · 17/04/2018 13:52

He does nothing because it bolsters his ego to have a submissive wifey and staff.

Be careful he doesn't start telling his friends and family that YOU are the one having a breakdown/mental problems.