Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

The stress he keeps talking about is VOLUNTARY stress - he could work less and do less, but he doesn't. He does absolutely everything he wants to, and then gives all the stress to YOU to manage. Where are the allowances for your stress or your choices?

An excellent 1st stop op we’ll done. How are you feeling today?

Well done for getting the ball rolling and not backing down when he did his usual trick of bullying you to shut you down. That needs to end now.

Yes, to pointing out all his trips away. I bet he wasn't worrying so much about work when he was on those, as he was when he finally deigned to turn up for the family holiday. You need to make it clear to him that his behaviour then was unacceptable.

Tell him that he MUST be home on Thursday, as you ARE going out. Warn him that if he is even 5 minutes late, he's showing you that he does not "do anything" for you.

Money is not a substitute for his presence. It doesn't show love if his actions show the opposite. You would all rather have fewer investments and luxuries, in order to facilitate him spending proper quality time with his family. Otherwise, he might find that he ends up with children who are distant and no wife.

How about having a proper full week family holiday in the summer? And he also needs to be available for you to have time away too, during which it will be his responsibility to look after the children, and you don't expect to come back to an untidy house!

Good luck this evening. Beware of him coming at this like a business negotiation.

Well done @questi0n - it must have taken a lot of guts to say all that and not be cowed by him.

Good luck xx

Well done OP on tackling it.
Now keep that going.
Make notes and bullets points about what you want to say.
Knowing his comebacks, have your replies ready for that.
And go out on Thursday. Ensure he understands he HAS to be home for this.
This is his first step to understanding and if he can't do this one thing then it's just not good enough.

All those saying 'OP get a job!' - I was a SAHM, and I HAD A JOB! This was not jsut to support him, but to raise the kids WE decided to have. It is not about having a money-raising something-else-to-do, but it's about the appreciation (or lack of) from others.

And in this case, OP would get a job and do everything else, guaranteed.

Well done for having the conversation - can’t have been easy. Unfortunately I don’t think he will make any changes so they will need to come from you. Book yourself a couple of days away - to see friends, spa break etc. Your DH will then have to play a part in being a member of the family. It won’t hurt your DC’s - it sounds like you do too much for them. I’ve not heard of children if 11+ needing any help in the morning with either sorting their breakfast, school bags or travel to school. Some independence would do them some good as well.

Re-reading your post about how he treats the children he sounds like the exhausting high flying dad who doesn't like them to do nothing.
What's he like with school grades/sporting achievements etc?

I could've guessed he was ex Navy. He sounds exactly like my FiL. You have my sympathy, OP.

Please tell me this is a wind up, you're joking and you really don't get his shit together for him ?

That sounds like it was a difficult and extremely stressful conversation for you, @questi0n - and you did so well to carry on with it, despite all the stress. I wish I could just give you the biggest hug, right now.

@elisenbrunnen you are correct. Men who are lazy around the house don't suddenly become really involved with housework and childcare when their wife gets a job.

Well done for having the conversation an not backing off. Now stay strong/angry and be prepared for him going on the offensive. He does not like losing.

Sounds as if he's in denial on his TERRIBLE and NEGATIVE impact on you and your dc's lives and family atmosphere.

He is so arrogant and selfish he thinks providing £££ is worth more than being kind, thoughtful and emotionally intelligent.

Actually, there is only so much you can spend and in actual fact, most (wealthy) people come to the realisation that the things that really count once you have enough food on the table and ££ to pay for where you live is things that don't cost you a penny like being kind and thoughful, fun and caring.

As your dh is a selfish bully being emotionally caring and there for his own family won't even be on his radar.

Even his hobbies and sports are all about bolstering his own massive ego with his equally boorish, entitled cronies.

'Come and wave at me at the finishing line!" What an entitled, selfish mindset. Has he ever considered what you want?

I would be so sad if my dh put socialising and holidaying with his friends over putting his dc and wife first!

Well done for raising the subject, I don't want to be too negative but tbh I don't think he'll change.

You've said he's nearly 50, he's probably not going to be able to act any differently than he does now for any length of time

If OP had a job she still would be doing everything she does now, and she would have to deal with his complaints of lack of attention/sex

.....he has worked non-stop without a break for nearly 20 years...

He chooses too and it us not true.
He takes time out to cycle

He has holidays...but chooses not to have fun on them

He chooses to opt out of family life on weekends and holidays

He could step back and cut hours and salary and you would still be very well off

Doing it for the family is an excuse

You did well to raise it with him despite being so scared of him.

I don’t think he’s ill and he’s not having a breakdown. But he is anxious and worried now that one is his staff ( you ) is stepping out of line and has the temerity to complain.

I suspect he’s pretty angry about that.

However I fear that nothing will change. He will think that you have “got it off your chest “ . You have given him ten years to sort it out so he’s got plenty time to think about it and take action in 9 years time.

If he wanted to change he could do it right now. Today. Cancel his climbing and hillwalking and cycling and cars. People drop out of Olympic teams the week before so I’m pretty sure his little club ( or whatever ) will manage just fine without him.

But he won’t will he ? You know that and I know that. He will TALK about cutting down next season / year / decade. He will say things like “I’ve told Steven that I can’t commmit to the Paris race because of my wife “ .

But guess what? Someone will get injured and he will have to stop into the team for Paris. You know how it is, he can’t let the boys down.

You will get some talk, maybe lots of talk. Perhaps even promises but no action.

I also think you are right that you will get ill living like this. Except it won’t take 10 years. I fear that soon ( within a year or so ) you will be affected by anxiety or depression. Or you will self medicate with alcohol, food or other drugs.

Because you can’t go on living like this and he has no reason to change how he he treats you.

I’m so sorry I wish I could be more optimistic for you.

Thankyou so much.

I think the reason I've been wary of those conversations is that I feel like if I push him too far he could fall apart. Everybody thinks he's very together, but I get the fallout and it's enough to deal with as it is on a normal day.

He has called to say he will book a weekend away for me with some friends. I said thanks but I need to see when might suit them and I'll book it myself.

He also said if I don't want to do the dinner party on Fri, he will make an excuse and book a table. I told him last night, it's unfair to invite clients over and then not even help me serve any food or clear away dishes. He said he can't be up and down when he has clients over, it's bad manners! I said, well take them to a restaurant then. He said, he thought I would like to meet various people he works with, he's proud of me and wants to include me in his life! I said, how, as a waitress to you and god knows who? Even when it's mutual friends over, he just sits there. I don't know how I've put up with it, I really don't.

I'm going out on Thursday and I'll just go.

Thanks again.

OP, your husband is extremely controlling. Everything about his response (including his deflection back on you) screams of it. If you don't believe me, please read this description from Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" which covers the different abuser profiles. Does any of it at all seem familiar??

THE DEMAND MAN

The Demand Man is highly entitled. He expects his partner's life to revolve around meeting his needs and is angry and blaming if anything gets in the way. He becomes enraged if he isn't catered to or if he is inconvenienced in even a minor way. The partner of this man comes to feel that nothing she does is ever good enough and that it is impossible to make him happy. He criticizes her frequently, usually about things that he thinks she should have done—or done better—for him.

Is every highly demanding partner an abuser? No. There are specific elements to the Demand Man's style:

1. He has little sense of give and take. His demands for emotional support, favors, caretaking, or sexual attention are well out of proportion to his contributions; he constantly feels that you owe him, things that he has done nothing to earn.

1. He exaggerates and overvalues his own contributions. If he was generous one day back in 1997, you are probably still hearing about it today as proof of how wonderfully he treats you and how ungrateful you are. He seems to keep a mental list of any favors or kindnesses he ever does and expects each one paid back at a heavy interest rate. He thinks you owe him tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary responsibilities of daily life—when he does—but takes your contributions for granted.

1. When he doesn't get what he feels is his due, he punishes you for letting him down.

1. When he is generous or supportive, it's because he feels like it. When he isn't in the mood to give anything, he doesn't. He is positive or loving toward you when he feels the need to prove to himself or to others that he is a good person, or when there is something that he is about to demand in return; in other words, it's about him, not you. The longer you have been with him, the more his generous-seeming actions appear self-serving.

1. If your needs ever conflict with his, he is furious. At these times he attacks you as self-centered or, inflexible, turning reality on its head with statements such as, All you care about is yourself! He tends to work hard to convince outsiders of how selfish and ungrateful you are, speaking in a hurt voice about all the things he does for you.

At the same time, the Demand Man is likely to be furious if anything is demanded of him. Not only are you not supposed to demand any favors, you aren't even supposed to ask him to take care of his own obligations. If you ask him to clean up a mess he's left, he responds, I'm not your fucking servant. If you ask him to pay money he owes you or to work more hours to help out with the household expenses, he says, You're a typical woman, all you want from me is my money. If you complain to him of how rarely he is there for you, he'll say, You are a needy, controlling bitch. He keeps twisting things around backward in these ways, so that any effort you make to discuss your needs or his responsibilities switches abruptly to being about his needs and your responsibilities.

The Demand Man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers as long as he is getting his needs met on his terms. He may allow you to have your own friendships or support you in pursuing your own career. But the effects on you of your partner's extreme entitlement can be just as destructive as severe control.

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:

• It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.

• You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.

• I am above criticism.

• I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

He's not going to change, it's who he is.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, or are you ready to start living your life and of course allowing your children to live theirs.

Really glad you're going out on Thursday OP. Well done.

Booking a weekend away sounds like a sop. Especially if he wants to choose where/when!

But well done OP for first recognising there's a problem, and then doing something about it. Stay strong!

Well done OP, for getting your feelings out there.

I think, though, that he assumes a gesture will sort it all out - enough to keep you quiet for a while, anyway. Don't let this 'weekend away' be the end of the matter.

I think, if he is so very business-like and task-focused, that you need to come up with a strategy for how things should change.

So, for example:

1. You'll no longer cater dinners
2. He'll spend one full day at the weekend with the family, no business
3. Once a week you sit together and TALK - go over what's working, what you've both got coming up, and sort your calendars out together
4. Your red lines - no more manipulative language like I'm warning you, or any of that crap. You're as entitled to your feelings as he is, and he isn't too important to hear stuff he doesn't like
5. He's to sort himself out in the morning and once he's mastered that take on some other duties to help too.

It's bad manners for him to serve food and clear plates away at his own dinner party?!

Jesus christ.