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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/04/2018 13:55

He just cant see you as an actual person and not an extension of himself and a problem that he can fix

What do you actually want though

GladysKnight · 17/04/2018 13:56

So he gwts to decide what suits you, eg being thought of as a good cook. Your preferences are up for approval, he can tell you you actually prefer something else!!!

On the wider 'excuse' of his stress, fair enough as his wife to support him to make his life healthier for you both, by encouraging him to address his stress, reassuring him you can alll have a great life with less income etc. But that is very different fron 'supporting him' to kill your love, your marriage and his own health. Very different.

GladysKnight · 17/04/2018 14:01

And it is not your responsibility to sort out his stress. But next time he comes up with that excuse, put it back to him. Tell him you have enough money, if he feels stressed he should sort it out, not just treat his family like shit because in some way the stress 'makes' him

allchangenochange · 17/04/2018 14:20

It is possible that he does feel trapped in a money making role, it is equally possible that he is using this as an excuse so that he doesn't address his behaviour. I think it is important that he accepts that he is choosing his stress and his workload. The way those conversations can go is for you to work out an alternative life plan that is much cheaper, ie, this stress is not good for you and if it means you can't see me or the DC we need to find alternative ways of living. Look up cheaper houses, offer to downsize. As your DC are teenagers you aren't going to want to drop their schooling but you can talk about having thought through whether setting up trust funds for them actually helps them in the longer term. I would guess if you present an alternative lower income lifestyle that you have planned out he won't want to touch it. Make it clear that while you are happy to support his choices, they are his choices for his benefit as much if not more than anyone else's.

TomRavenscroft · 17/04/2018 14:21

he thought I would like to meet various people he works with, he's proud of me and wants to include me in his life!

I shouldn't cut my nose off to spite my fave as people think I'm a great cook and I "always seem to enjoy it". He said, if there are specific things he can do, just let him know

Ha ha, nice try OP's DH.

You're getting the measure of him, OP. Good for you. We've all got your back here.

bluechameleon · 17/04/2018 14:23

How utterly ridiculous. We get ourselves ready, and we share the load of packing DS's bag for preschool. I might ask DH to carry a bag to my car when he leaves to make getting out of the house with 2 DC easier for me.

Idontdowindows · 17/04/2018 14:37

He said, if there are specific things he can do, just let him know.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah yes. the old "well, you didn't tell me I had to do it, so it's your fault it didn't get done".

PoisonousSmurf · 17/04/2018 14:43

Good on you OP for telling him how it is and YES! Go out on Thursday Flowers

Calmingvibrations · 17/04/2018 15:54

I feel for you. I can sort of see how you could have ended up in this situation (your situation is like mine but with steroids! However sounds like my OH is more present when he isn’t working).

The impression I get (and I could be just projecting) is that you help him out because you see how hard he works, worry about his stress levels etc and want to give him an easier life. But trouble is, you’re freeing up more of his time to do even more work by the sounds of it. Or go off to have a holiday.

Somethinh has to change as I reckon you’ll become more and more frustrated. You need to think about how you want your life to be and start putting boundaries down and yourself first. As one poster said, it will be interesting to see how he responds.

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2018 15:55

A very good start op. It’s a tough road ahead! You need to set yourself some clear standards that are easy to stick to- eg 1. when he says I don’t get a break, you say stop there a moment. You have done these 3 trips , this other one and that this year already. If that’s not a break you need to stop these trips.

  1. Zero tolerance for ‘I’m doing it for you’ - my dh tried this years and years ago and I hit the roof. So much bullshit, you are following your own selfish path. I hate this and I am miserable the way you treat me while you are doing it, it is absolutely not for me, if that’s what you really think you can pull out NOW.
3- you can think of some more! Eg stuff he has to do at dinner. Excellent stance on the dinner party Friday btw, and great you’re going out Thursday. Stop being a useful , permanent charged and on object in his life.
GnotherGnu · 17/04/2018 16:05

As you say, what he can do to help when you're entertaining should be utterly obvious. Even if he genuinely believes you love cooking and don't want help with any aspect of it, why would he assume you love serving up, clearing away, etc? Closing his eyes to the obvious ways he can help is yet another classic example of learned helplessness.

However, I do agree that the situation doesn't necessarily look irretrievable if you can continue to build on your discussion last night and insist that he things are going to change and stay changed from now on.

Apricotjamsndwich · 17/04/2018 16:08

I too thought 'full assistance' was a euphamism. Either way it wouldn't get far in this household.

ememem84 · 17/04/2018 16:54

Ah the old “you should have asked”

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

AmberNectarine · 17/04/2018 17:05

Hahahahaha. No.

My DH is a big cheese at work. He leaves the house about 90m before me and the kids. I do all the drop offs as a result (I work 4 days). He makes the kids their breakfast everyday/encourages them to get dressed (if they are awake, he doesn't wake them needlessly, but they usually are), to ensure I get as much sleep as possible. I have never asked him to do this, he just does it because he's a considerate guy.

The very idea of me sorting out his bag for him is just bloody demented, and I say that as someone who does 80% of the household chores.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/04/2018 17:10

Ask him what he'd be doing with his life if he didn't have a family to support.

If he says he'd be taking more leisure time and holidays, as he wouldn't need to slave for school fees etc, the door is open to you to point out that he already has that covered and could easily cut back on work if he chooses.

If he says 'same thing, I love what I do' that would burst the 'doing it for you' bubble.

Of course, it may be he has a completely 'all or nothing' kind of job. In which case, has he considered a career change or a sideways move into something more flexible? Can he see himself keeping up this work rate until retirement? Can you?

elisenbrunnen · 17/04/2018 17:18

So he doesn't 'help' you when you have friends round because you 'love cooking'? So why doesn't he help with laying the table, and clearing the dishes afterwards? That's not cooking. That's not enjoyable.

Lucywithout · 17/04/2018 17:26

I think you nailed it in an earlier post when you said you both had got into a pattern.It has to be slow changes to help him but it suits him for this to be the way it is. You will have to tolerate the sulks and turned criticism for some time till he recognises his manipulative control.
I do think there is a chance to put it right but it will be slow and you will need to be calm but assertive on things that matter. Don't let him put you down. Hand raised - I am your wife not an employee. All the business speak I would just look amazed and chuckle and remind him "You are talking to your wife". It will be slow but should come together in time. Insist on equal treatment. He goes off for a week then you go off for a week.
Your needs and feelings matter as much as his. Fight for that but calmly and slowly change his attitude.

CuriousMama · 17/04/2018 17:26

I'm shocked he said he'd book a break away for you and your friends. Is he your dad? You can book your own as you are doing.

It's a really weird set up.

Caribou58 · 17/04/2018 17:27

Stop being this knob's slave. Immediately.

Leapfrog44 · 17/04/2018 17:27

Nope. My husband wouldn't dare!

ToftyAC · 17/04/2018 17:29

If my OH acted like a spoiled child in this manner I’d tell him to fuckity fuck off and grow a pair. I’m not his sodding slave or his PA. he’s obvs not a stupid man, so he can get his lazy arse out of bed and sort his own shit out.

Weezol · 17/04/2018 17:30

You might find some useful 'lines' to employ in this:
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Charley34 · 17/04/2018 17:30

Same here !!😂😉

BunsyGirl · 17/04/2018 17:33

OP as I have to leave the house first for the school run (at 7.30/7.40am) with DS1 aged 7 and DS2 aged 4 and then on to work afterwards, DH gets the kids ready while I get ready myself. He then sorts himself out to leave for work at 8.30am. I really wouldn’t stand for your DH’s behaviour. Trouble is, if you’ve been doing it for a long time, it’s not going to be an easy habit to break.

Strongmummy · 17/04/2018 17:35

My Dad was like this. Employed hundred so of people and treated my mum like she was an employee. It made me vow never to marry such a man. If you are happy to be treated in this way you shouldn’t care what others think, but no, his behaviour isn’t the norm from my perspective and I’d be seriously considering telling him to fuck right off permanently