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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

235 replies

Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 19:34

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

OP posts:
balsamicbarbara · 19/04/2018 10:56

I was suicidal at that age but kept it to myself as it wasn't the sort of thing to be discussed back then. I grew out of it, it was totally hormonal for me I think but I'm glad there are options to get help with this nowadays.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 19/04/2018 12:47

Just to say dd passed the girl in the corridor yesterday and said hi. The girl said hi back but carried on walking.

As I kept saying, they aren't friends

I'm not equipt to comment as I don't have experience/ knowledge but I am thankful for the more measured and insightful posts.

OP posts:
ificouldwritealettertome · 19/04/2018 13:11

So sorry you ended up feeling so upset you were in tears OP- for future reference if it's more of a handhold that you need there are better threads for support than AIBU.

On a note unrelated to your original post but rather in response to the general 'keep your distance' posters- depression and suicidal thoughts are a desperately lonely place to be. Many people have only recovered thanks to close friendships/relationships. Now I'm not saying that anyone so young could be responsible for another's happiness, that's not really possible at any age. But what I am saying is that dark places aren't quite so dark with company. Most people with mh issues need friends to get themselves back to a good place- not so that they can drag them down too.

When I was in school (nearly two decades ago) there was a real 'stay away from the crazies' vibe. Which is why I was so isolated, which contributed to my depression, and the cycle continued. But any pupil on crutches was helped to the toilet, to the canteen and on and off the busses. Other pupils were proud to help them.

There was- and still is- a real stigma attached to mental health. And while I agree with establishing boundaries within any individual to ensure they don't take on another's feelings at the expense of their own, I don't think having a word with someone's friends to tell them "back off if she's too much" would do the person with mh issues any favours.

Personally, it would have made me feel even more isolated if my own mother warned my only friends against me.

Again OP this is a general response to comments on here and not to you. I can see you are not looking to find if you were BU but a handhold to deal with shock. Flowers

Lizzie48 · 19/04/2018 13:26

I suspect she probably finds it very hard to make friends. I did at that age, and I kept people at arm's length. It wasn't that I didn't want to have friends, I was as lonely as hell, but I couldn't trust people not to hurt me.

I'm not saying that that's the case with this girl. And I'm certainly not saying that it's your DD's responsibility to be her friend. But I hope for that girl's sake that she does have at least one friend. I did and that kept me going.

Doryismyname · 19/04/2018 13:29

A bit late to the thread but just want to say that I think have handled this really well OP. I completely agree with PPs regarding the need to provide support for your DD. It would be unfair that she should feel obliged to to friends this girl anymore than she was already just to support her. 11/12 year olds should not have the burden of their classmates MH issues.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2018 20:02

ificouldwritealettertome - a few decades ago it wasn't the case that everyone had a phone, or access to social media from a bedroom. A 12 year old wouldn't have been texting a classmate she is not even friends with and talking about suicide or self harming. She might have kept this for a few particular friends or people in a certain group she belonged to. The mushrooming of pro-suicide/ pro-ana/ emo lifestyle and other niche sites had not got off the ground in any big way.

It is different now. Social contagion is facilitated by increased connectivity. People can create their own reality on SM, groups - and groupies - can get together and live very much in a little bubble or echo chamber. Dynamics emerge similar to 'queen bee' group dynamics where depending on personality someone can greatly affect the atmosphere and preoccupations of a whole class or even a year group. It used to be that this was possible only really for fashion, taste in music, etc. There is nothing new in the dynamic. What is new is the issues/matters that groups can now focus on. Some of it is really harmful and can truly drag people down, and down a lot further into particular holes than they might have gone without the alternative reality that they can live in online.

Individuals can contact anyone as long as they have some contact details. They can dip into any number of lifestyle groups or preoccupation groups. A friend of my DD4 who was hospitalised in a psychiatric facility for anorexia and related MH issues does not have a phone, by decision of her parents and on the advice of the medical professionals and therapists who are treating her, partly to keep this child from the harmful influences online and partly to save friends like DD4 from exposure to stressful 2am texts, and calls that go on for hours.

Nobody complained about this aspect of things - all the friends knew something was wrong and that this was part of the problem, and were kind and lent an ear. But allowing a troubled person to lean on friends to the full extent that technology allows is not on, for several reasons. So no phone for the friend. This was partly decided on in the hope that continuous reminders of parameters of behaviour, reality, and the fact that a 'normal' life exists outside of the anorexia preoccupations is a good thing, given the little anorexia bubble she had been inhabiting. It was also considered important for this particular girl's treatment to remind her that other people have real lives that are impacted by loss of sleep or the upset that talking her down from suicide causes. She had not been very willing to acknowledge other people's reality or the effect her words were having on them. The removal of her connectivity was compassionate all around.

ificouldwritealettertome · 19/04/2018 20:08

When I was in school (nearly two decades ago) everyone had a phone. Emos were a thing! I was really gothy. I'm 28 so nearly two decades ago all this stuff was around.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2018 20:39

The phones existed and people had them, but connectivity to the internet was not great. My oldest DD is 27 and had many friends who did not have phones back when she was 11/12 (she did) and phones were not smart back then. She had a brick phone for many years. Texting was cumbersome. You could easily run out of minutes. My second DD once ran up a bill of $400 because we had dial up internet and she had not realised that emailing a boy she liked was costing a small fortune. To go on the internet DD1 had to sit at the family PC until she was well into her teens and got a laptop.

Emos/goths were indeed a thing (along with punks, etc - and they were a thing back when I was a teen in the late 70s and early 80s) but there was not the entire internet world that teens could get completely immersed in to the extent that real life was just an annoying bit of background.

Lizzie48 · 19/04/2018 20:45

I was on the train home this evening and it occurred to me that people communicate by text now all the time. A few years ago you would hear a lot of passengers making calls from their mobiles saying, 'I'm on the train.' Now they send a text, as I did.

It's so much easier to communicate now, but it has a negative side as well in that children and adolescents can spread disturbing messages about suicide to all the contacts in their phone.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 19/04/2018 21:04

This is all very true. It is very different now.

Dd doesn't actually have this girls number but she does have her instagram, as she has most of her year groups, and that feeds snap chat, which is where the message came from.

The connectivity is on a very different level to even 10 years ago.

Dd came home from school and the girl had talked to her in drama. She said some really worrying things and to be honest I don't know if I should contact the school again or just ignore it.

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:08

Cutting all contact may indeed have been the right thing to do in the example you describe mathanxiety. But it doesn't mean it should be applied across the board.

I worry that focusing on extreme examples may make parents feel that they should actively discourage their DCs from forming friendships with peers who have MH problems.

Social contagion is definitely a thing. But so are fear and prejudice towards people with mental illness.

Parents need to be alert and aware of what's happening in their children's friendships whether or not the friends have MH problems.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2018 21:09

I would contact them.

Also talk to your DD, make sure she is ok and can handle the stress. Thank her for relating what the other girl said, and assure her you have the matter in hand.

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:11

Just to be clear OP - I'm talking in general terms not relating to your situation

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:13

I agree with mathanxiety's advice OP.

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:18

Sorry OP I hope it's clear which of my posts was general and which related to your latest update!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 19/04/2018 21:20

I think what was said was maybe worse than the text as it was in person, if that makes sense. It's very worrying, graphic details of things she is doing.

I don't know what the school know or even if it's true.

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:25

That's not good for your DD. Someone at school need to know for the sake of both girls. Your dd may need pastoral support and safeguarding need to know about the other girl.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 19/04/2018 21:31

I've emailed the safeguarding lead again.

Said im sorry if she already knows but I'm really concerned.

Also said I'm worried for dd as she is very confused and worried herself about what the girl said today.

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:43

You've done the right thing!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 19/04/2018 21:48

Doesn't solve the issue though.

The girl said her parents don't know. I have no idea if it's true or not and I really hope it's not. But then why would she be saying these things if it wasn't.

I don't know what support is in place but it's not enough from what she is saying.

Dd isn't a mh nurse. Shes just 12. It's too much.

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:51

And follow up your email if no one gets back to you or dd offering support.

There must be a reason why the girl is choosing your DD unless she is disclosing things randomly ..?

Maybe your DD could do with some help practising what she could say if approached again? When I was helping my dd we actually role played what she was going to say .

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 21:55

No your DD has no responsibility for the other girl.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 19/04/2018 21:59

I don't know. Dd is very sensible. Girls tend to go to her/ ask her what to do.
It might be that.
She might be telling everyone and lots of people are reporting. She might and people aren't telling their parents.

I have no idea and it doesn't really matter other than something more needs to happen pretty quickly.

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 22:02

Try not to get over anxious about it all. Reassure your DD that it is perfectly fine for her to say to the other girl something like "I'm sorry I'm not comfortable talking about this." And move away . She could include "you should talk to xxxxxx" (member of staff, tutor, safeguarding person..)

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 22:05

The first step to getting help will come from school and that is the only part of the process you need to consider.

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