To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

[Quiddichcup]

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

Certainly don't post again. Probably best!!
If you're not open to the idea of people commenting.

Everyone commended you for doing the right thing - ie contacting school.

It was the rest of the posts - that people commented on:

Your shock as to how common this actually is, and disdain for having your dd involved with this 'kind' of girl in any way, or letting your dd be 'affected' by it, in any way.

But you didn't have the grace and dignity to acknowledge that they might have a point.

My brother first attempted hanging himself when he was 11. I was 7 and found him just in time.

The parents needs to be contacted if they aren't aware. Our school did nothing to inform us of any bullying etc going on with my brother. It needs to be direct I think with proof of message.

Talk to dd. I've been through this and lived with the worry for 12 years until my brother succeeded on his 3rd attempt. The worry is unreal and I have severe ptsd etc. It's not a nice thing. Reassure her that action is being taken and she's done the right thing telling someone.

I think I've posted 3 times.
I'd like to know which bits of my posts are being disputed.
Or how the OP (or anyone else, for that matter?)
could consider any of my comments as being an attack/kicking/being given a hard time?

It’s scary and horrible for a child that young, but sadly I have experience as my 11 year old self harms.
Before this, it was unfathomable to me that a child of that age could feel like this, dd started when she was 10.
We are lucky that dd has great input from CAMHS and she is very honest and open with us.
It’s hard because she has confided in one friend, and like you it’s not something I would have chosen to put on another 11 year old but I don’t want dd to feel ashamed of it, and if she finds comfort in a friend knowing, then so be it.
I have messaged the friends mum and spoken to her about it, so she knows too, I thought that was important.

Sorry yes, I forgot to add that you should definitely mention to the school!
I’m my dds school, they are well aware of dds issues, but if a child is hiding their self harm then it’s extrememly important that adults know and they can get some input.

FeistyColl, some people have been very hostile on this thread.

@FineSally I'm so sorry for your niece,her mum and family.

Threads in AIBU often go 'wrong'. People ask a question and get a horrible load of comments. This thread has gone very badly and it's a serious subject.

Italiangreyhound, I agree it is a serious subject. I have read the thread very carefully.

OP’s replies to posters including me have been extremely defensive. Her posts have became increasingly dramatic and bizarre ending up with the statement Next time, thanks to this thread I'll do nothing. I now understand why people don't speak up, because they get blamed for the whole thing which makes absolutely no sense in this situation.

I don't know why she posted. Her OP asks no question other than the title question about being shocked. She has received a variety of answers to that question.

Like every other poster I have reassurred her that she and her DD have done the right thing.

It is a difficult situation for her DD (and a much more challenging one for the child who is self-harming). I suggested OP might want to find out more about MH difficulties in order to support her DD. She rejected that and took offense because I used the word ignorant.

Another poster seemed outraged that I suggested that parents need to inform themselves about the devastating level of mental health problems in our young people ...

OP chose to post on AIBU and a debate ensued - that's what it's there for. The 'hostility' has certainly not been directed solely at the OP.

I wished I’d rtft before commenting (that’ll teach me)
This thread has gone awry and personally I think it hasn’t been handled very well.
Ive found reading it all extremely uosetting actually, especially being a parent in my position.
Op you are very lucky it is not your dd, you are obviously unable to empathise with the other girl and her parent/s.

@FeistyColl "OP’s replies to posters including me have been extremely defensive" maybe so. But remember on this instance the situation is about a girl at her child's school, so she maybe feels invested intros in a way we do not.

I'm not sure I would take the 'next time I don't...' Statement seriously.

I think AIBU is unnecessarily hostile and also can feel hostile even if it is not intended. People do not realise maybe, you post a topic and feel perhaps that you are being given a hard time. It's not the same when you post on other threads. It is harder to walk away from one's thread.

'ignorant' is a very loaded word. You sound very intelligent so you must realise how that word will be received on an anonymous forum. I might use it of myself 'I ignorant of American property law...." But I's not use it is another person. (I don't know how you used it.)

Sorry that is full of typos!

One post saying it's not directed at me, followed by a post with a ' you are unable to empathise, think yourself lucky '

I have done nothing wrong.

Of course i empathise and care else I wouldn't have taken the action I did.

So many times I have said I'm sorry for anyone in this position.

I have been brow beaten for not knowing it's common. It's the first dealings I have had with anything like this so while I'm sure it is common it's not something people run into all the time.

I have spoken to friends about this today and they haven't ever had anything like this either. So it's either less common or their children not telling them about it.

Dd told be because we are close. Yes I think she handled it very well for a child just 12. No I don't think any children should be exposed to this sort of thing and that includes the children suffering. I think it is awful.

Everything I have said has been nit picked and twisted to the point of where I try to explain it's taken worse. When trying to explain why my dd isn't friends with this girl I get kicked for being nasty. Yes I can see that how she behaves might be all tied in with mh but I also know it's how lots of 12 year old girls are and it's dd's choice if she wants to be friends with her or not.

No, I don't know the girl directly so it's on dd's say so but again it's not up to me to make any judgement on it other than to tell dd she doesn't have to be friends with anyone she doesn't want to.

This does not make me unsympathetic. I don't know the girl. I've reported it and it will be dealt with by trained people.

And Yes, further to this thread I do feel like next time it would be better to do nothing. I've been lynched for everything i have said and judged for not having a more in depth knowledge. I never proclaimed to have understanding, I just reported and then felt shook up and sad for the girl..

I'm a single parent and guess I was looking for support in this myself. Perhaps this was not the right place.

I commented ‘unable to empathise’ in response to your ‘next time this happens’ post. As I mum who’s child self harms, I have found parts of this thread really upsetting (including responses other posters have made to you op). Even in your recent post there you have said next time you are better doing nothing. Perhaps insensitive would be a better word. I do think you have jumped to defence rather quickly in some responses, but it’s hard to read meaning in text.

I don’t think you have been judged on this thread (perhaps i haven’t read as others have) and I think you did well informing the school, it was the right thing to do and I don’t blame you for being shocked or not understanding, I myself posted that before I knew of my dd I found it unfathomable for a child of that age to self harm.

Italiangreyhound I know what you mean about AIBU and how it feels as an OP (been there myself !)

@Quiddichcup I think you have been treated very unfairly. Maybe time to hide the thread or start a new one in parenting or teens.

It is shocking, I had no idea until dd we t to secondarily school.

The Papyrus charity I linked to earlier may be good

All the best, you really do not owe any of us an explanation, of anything.

If it happens again, please do report. But maybe aoid AIBU at least for now, it's brutal.

“Quiddichcup I think you have been treated very unfairly”

Yes, so do I. And I speak as the parent of a child with mental health issues.

Yes @BertrandRussell mine too. Perhaps energy would be better spent campaigning for better mental health services for all.

You've only been lynched by people on here that can't or won't read the thread properly. You did the right thing re this girl.

Some folks on here would have you adopting the child and her family and moving them into the west wing so you can be responsible for them all.

You've got my support Quiddichcup
My dd is in yr 7 and I have heard of 4 girls in her year. That's just the ones I've heard of. It does come as a shock to a child who has not heard of self harm before and the fact she had sleepless nights shows it has affected her. She should be credited for sharing with her mother and helping, very mature and shows a caring child and mother.

Some posters did go for the hard line, dissected to twist the context of the post- when sympathy and advice would have been more beneficial, and would inevitably give more awareness of mental health. We all have to be so aware as it could effect any one of us, we are all in the same boat.

Thankfully other posters have given sound advice and thanks as us reading will gain knowledge to be able to get insight.

If you do start a new thread, please pm me. I clicked on your post to get better insight so thanks.

I will not start another One, I don't need to be defending myself.

But I have read the links that have been posted and will continue to talk to dd as now we know this is the situation, further under standing will help- however my course of action would be the same.

Again I am sorry to anyone with a more direct experience.

Plenty of people supported/agreed with you, OP. I hope you noticed..........

I did. And I'm thankful..

While it's not about me it's still an awful subject. I'm on my own and don't have anyone to bounce things off, talk things through with or just be there. I guess that's why I posted, because I was in shock over it.

Anyway- I'm glad the school are on it and really hope the girl gets some support.

I've felt very sad thinking about the girl in the OP's DD's class. I was a very troubled girl at that age, as I was being abused. We don't know that's the case with this girl, obviously, but there's obviously something going on. She's not doing it for attention, and some of the OP's comments weren't kind.

But then on the other hand, would I want my DDs to be exposed to it? No definitely not so I might well feel like the OP if one of their classmates was self harming and telling them about it.

You and your DD did the right thing, OP, FWIW. Posters have reacted the way they have because of your perceived lack of compassion for a very troubled 12 year old girl. No one is saying that your DD should become this girl's friend, I would probably be worried if one of my DDs became close friends with a girl who self harmed. But it was you referring to drama that put people's backs up, a girl who self harms is not doing it just to create drama.

Although I don't think you meant to be unkind, OP, I think you were put on the defensive and unfairly so. But that's what happens in AIBU.

I hope your DD is ok. It must have been distressing for her.

That was the most misconstrued thing.

I meant, as I have explained, behaviour prior to knowledge of this situation. How the girl is day to day at school, most importantly, as viewed from the eyes of my daughter, who is also a child.

Dd has said she tries to stay away for those reasons.

Dd does not like that and maybe prefers quieter and probably more bookish type personalities.

Again no judgement is being made on my behalf but I was trying to explain how it was from my dd's view and that they were really not friends though other posters kept trying to tell me other wise. Never once did I mean that the poor girls mh issues were drama and I did explain that from the off.

My dd is also a child. She sees things though a child's eyes.